Christmas Morning sadness

It's now Christmas. I'm sitting in an apartment, my roommate across the living room typing away on her laptop...and I feel so dang alone. I know I haven't been updating, I need to start getting back into that habit because it helped me so much to get things out and have people message me with their support.

So, remember that poly relationship I was in? Yea, it's no more. It didn't last very long, I don't really care to get into it but I didn't like how I was being taken advantage of and not having my needs met and having guilt pushed on me for finally getting a social life. In the end, it was best I ended things with both of them. It hurt so much, and it still does.

Also, I celebrated a year anniversary with Daddy...and recently had to part ways. He started dating someone that I still have mixed feelings about. I talked about this person before I think...the person my ex-"Dom" started a relationship with and then proceeded to leave me for, yea, that person. And I get the whole moving on with life and forgive, but don't forget. Except...I have a hard time forgiving completely. That event devastated me and drove me to almost committing suicide a few times, but I didn't because Daddy would have been so hurt. And now they're dating. It was already bad enough that I felt I wasn't getting as much attention as I used to. I was trying to keep in contact with Daddy, sending him texts, cute pictures, little care boxes, letters, etc. But it seemed that wasn't enough. Since my computer had died and I couldn't get on our normal chat client, it felt as if I was slowly being forgotten, and this happened. I think I could have braved it, but I will say it over and over again, I CANNOT SHARE MY DADDY!!! I just can't. So when I get a message about him and Ki (the other person) dating and Ki refers to him as his "papa"...I started crying like you wouldn't believe. I fell apart at work and I tried to explain how I was scared and that I was still weary because of the Ex-event. And I KNOW he isn't like my ex, but it hurted just the same. I haven't talked to either since then. Ki has since deleted me from his social media sites, which I'm oddly ok with now.

There is someone else in my life, and he's super great. The problem is, I still feel empty. No matter what I've tried, I can't seem to fill it by myself. I took up sewing again, started drawing, wrote more stories, kept a schedule of going to the gym...and I feel so dang empty still.

Updated

Wow it's been a while since I last posted. There are many updates that I have in store for you. Ya'll know about the google and adult blogs drama, so I don't need to go into that. It didn't affect me, but if things keep going the way they are in Internet Land, they soon will. I'm just working my way through, still finding a place to settle down and call my "blog home". It seems that no matter where I write, I end up getting this feeling like I need to censor myself because of what my readers may think.

I have a new tumblr. Well I have a few actually. One is for my more vanilla life, I have one dedicated to just my stories and poems, and then another to my kink life. If anyone is interested, I can always link ya to them.

Things have really changed for me lately. I'm back in a poly relationship. It's so weird that I was willing to try again, given my last crack at it. But it's great so far. Wolf is younger but hey, who cares! Him and Kitten are so wonderful. It's still a new relationship and we're all trying to settle down and find our roles, but I have a feeling this one will last. I've become super protective of the two, even though I'm only in a relationship with Wolf.

Also, I moved to Arizona and am now looking for work out here. It's a good change for me. I"m sad to be so far from Wolf, but it's for the best right now. I need to get my life on track and start saving for a decent future for us. Well that's it for now. Time for dinner!

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Thank you for caring. You saw that things were hard for me. You knew before anyone else that I was falling and you were there to catch me. It's hard not being able to talk to you a lot, but I know why. Things are hectic on both our sides so I cherish all the time we do get to talk. You are the best Daddy ever and I never tell you enough how much you mean to me. You are the reason I keep going and pushing myself to do better and climb out of my hole. Our relationship is weird to so many people but I don't care. I think it's fun to watch people figure out how you can be my Daddy Dom without ever being sexual or romantic with me. :)

You've been one of my best friends since high school. I could tell you anything and you never judged me for it. You were always there to help me with my art classes and help me get better. I was confident in my skills because you helped me. Then we lived together when I moved to Wisconsin. And although we may have all had our disagreements, I loved every moment of living with you and Papa Bear! You two were the best company I had in the apartment.

You and I go way back Daddy, and even when we didn't know what it was, you always watched over me. You made sure people didn't pick on me, that I was eating, that I was ready for practice. You were the only one to see me cry when we got the news about my friend David getting shot during out Junior year. You were the first to see my breakdown when we learned about Juan getting killed. I remember you, Papa Bear, dickwad, and I going to the mall and you constantly nagging me about eating so many gummi bears and not sharing.

Sometimes, I wish I could explain better just what you mean to me but I'm always at a loss of words. No matter what happens, I know you'll be there to catch me before I hit bottom. You are forever my Daddy and you will be the only one. Sometimes I wish I could just climb through the screen and curl into your arms, but just knowing you're a text away helps so much. I hope to always make you proud to call me your sweetpea.

Daddy, you will always be the King who shields my heart from all the wayward knights trying to steal it away. Thank you for being such a wonderful man. I love you Daddy <3

Addy

Application for a Piece of Ass - Currently Open

So I'm bored today and don't have much to say. There will be a Poly Prom this friday, and I'll be spending the weekend at a friend's house for some play time. Otherwise, here's a fun application. I'm currently accepting apps ;) hehehe

Still shivering

So the miraculous happened the other day...I'm still in a bit of shock that it did.It was date number two and I wasn't sure what to expect. J came over and look dashing, even in a tshirt and jeans. My face lit up, but I hid it pretty well. Our first date had been low key and awesome, so I had hoped that it would be just as great.

It turned out awesome. We watched movies, chatted a bit, and cuddled. I was able to behave for a long while before the urge to kiss him got to be too much. His kisses were awesome, they were gentle yet passionate, they captivated me. I was able to hold off for a lot longer than I thought. We made out like teenagers, it was awesome. Midway through the movie, he had me take my shirt off. He didn't really do anything, he just trailed his fingers along my arms and tummy. I told him I felt iffy about having my tummy touched because of my insecurities, but he was a great guy about it. Then...of his shirt went. Then my skirt...and then he started to tease me.

Let me start by saying, those who have played with me or seen me play before know I have a HARD time being quiet. I just can't be, I'm not programmed that way. I moan, I gasp, I fucking scream..and loud. Also, I'm sensitive to touches. I love nothing more than having fingers trailed across my bare skin. I melt and go into my own space, floating away to joy.

Yet, J was able to get me to be quiet. It was the way his words rolled off his tongue, how he breathed them into my ear. "Turn, watch the movie, and be quiet. I don't want to hear a noise out of you." So I turned to watch the movie and his arms snaked around me. For a minute, I thought he just wanted us to finish the movie, but I was wrong. His touches were just the right mixture of a determined touch, fleeting softly across my skin. I almost gasped but bit down on my lip. I knew that if I failed, the touching would stop.

The next thing I know, I am off in my happy space, I've orgasmed twice, and I had yet to make a noise (I almost made my lip bleed though). So J learned in, kissed my ear and told me something I had been craving to hear for months "Good girl. I'm proud of you" I melted against him and I couldn't take it, my lips were pressed to his.

The rest of the night was wonderful. I won't say the details, but it put a huge smile on my face. It was exactly what I needed. And J ended up making me a squirming, hyper-sensitive, babbling girl who curled into a ball and all he did was stroke my back and whisper into my ear until I recovered.

Thinking back to the other day, I still smile. I still can feel his breath on my neck, his lips kissing all the right places, and his fingers gliding over my skin...I can feel his body on mine, I can hear him whispering in my ear...and I am forced to hold on, close my eyes, and bite down on my lip.

Did I mention that he's mostly vanilla...

Day 2

Nine things about yourself

• I’m 5’8” – tall for one side of my family and short for the other side
• I will have been married for 5 years August 2013. (ugggggg I wish it was over!)
• I puff my cheeks up when bored.
• I stare out the window when I think
• I have a hard time falling asleep without the feelings of an arm around me
• I really like the feeling of someone being on top of me
• I find it really hard to be mean to people, even when they deserve it
• I’m horrible at letting people go from my life
• I am scared of deep waters

Day 1

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:

1. I wish you would hurry up and get out of my life. Every time I get close to getting rid of you, you go into hiding like a coward. You want to marry the chic, fine. But you have to get through with something else first.  Stop spreading lies and blaming bullshit on me. I didn’t leave because I had someone else; I left you because you were an abusive, alcoholic, cheating prick. Honestly, I don’t care about you. I’m just tired of having your last name.

2. You make me so confused. I really don’t know whether to let you more into my life or push you away. I try my best to keep in contact and be a friend, but from your end it’s always iffy. I really wish you would just lay it out what kind of friendship you want this to be, if one at all.

3. No words can truly explain what you mean to me. You picked me up when I was at my weakest and was falling fast. It was because of you that I didn't break worse than I did; it was because of you that I refused to start cutting again and learned to find new coping mechanisms. You are such a great person and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You really are my best friend <3

4. You are a wonderful young woman. It has been a joy to call you a friend. I have had so many good times hanging out with you.  There are days we want to choke each other out, but that tends to end in laughter too. I’m so happy that the few seconds of courage I had to message you has proven to be one of the best things I have ever done. I will always see you as my little sister and I will protect you as one to.

5. I wasn’t sure what to think of you when we first met but I am so glad we did. I was honestly a bit intimidated by you but that went away when I got to hear you joke around with everyone. I feel so blessed to be your friend and that you have accepted me as one of your sisters. Although I’m moving away, don’t think this will change anything! I will come back to visit and you are always going to be on the list of the first people I come back to see! <3

6.  You are the most wonderful Bibi that anyone can have. You have been in my life for a few years and have proven over and over that you’re not going to leave. I know that you are the one person I can run to for ANYTHING and you will be there to scold me if I’ve been bad, then protect me, and devise a plan to get back at those who wronged me. Even if it’s all in jest, it’s nice to know that someone will be my partner in crime.

7.  You make me so confused too. I don’t know what to make of you; I don’t think I ever have. I want to be a friend to you, and I do try, but I’m not sure if it does any good. It’s amusing to me that I gave you a title and you seem to follow it just like the biological ones in my life.

8.  You are one of my best friends and I love the relationship we have. I can actually tell you anything and you might tease me about it, but you pass no judgment on me.  I know I can open up to you more, I know you know that too. I’m just thankful you have never rushed me to do so. I am forever thankful you started hanging out in my dorm room, even if it was to hang with the roommate to begin with. I just wish we got to know each other better while I was on campus. Better late than never though right?

9. You scared me when we met, but you know that. You’re one of my best friends and I LOVE how we understand each other. I think it’s awesome that we both know that just how long we can stand each other before the urge to kill each other sets in.  We know what to expect from each other and you are one constant in my life. I know I can run to you and hide when the world seems to crash down and you will be there with food, liquor, cuddles, and scritches. You know exactly how to pull out the happy me again, even when I don’t know where that part is.

10. Your positive outlook on life is contagious! A chance meeting at GD2 proved to lead to a great friendship. I knew you were awesome the first day we talked and I’m really glad we continued to talk. I wish we had hung out more while you were in Chicago and got to play again, but the time we had together I will cherish. I look forward to seeing you again.

Sick

I just don't know what to do. This cold/flu is getting to me. Every time I think I'm getting better, something else appears and I'm forced back into bed, shuddering in pain. All I want to do is curl up next to someone and be petted to sleep. I really don't like when I get this sick. I can usually handle it. I don't really get what's different this time. I feel my depression creeping on and it's so much worse. Everything that's happening, it's hitting me hard and I have no idea what to do.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Baby tie the rope around my neck
Lead me to my destruction
Don't know how much time will pass
Just let it feel like forever
You don't want to hurt me
Life's too short to even care
Wrap your hands around my neck
Tight. Tight. Tight.
Lick your lips
It's time to go
Down the Rabbit Hole.

A Poem for You

Let me kneel on the floor

Let me be your dirty whore

Legs wide opened

Mouth gagged shut

Please Sir

I just want to fuck

Lay me down

Tie me up

Tell me I’m your little slut
Grab my hair
Force me down
Black and blue
Make me swoon


Let me be your sexy play toy
Dress me up
Rip my clothes
Grab my hair
Tell me I'm yours
Fuck me rough
Fuck me hard
Tie the rope around my neck
Fuck me til you cum.

A weekend in review

I finally went to my first anime convention this weekend and boy, was it a bit overwhelming. For those who may not know, or may not have guessed it, I have social anxiety. I know I hide it really well and people think that I'm awesome in crowds. To an extent I am. I can also fake not being petrified, but deep down inside I am ready to run screaming. So, going to this convention was a bit too much for me, especially because I was by myself. If I have someone next to me most of the day, I'm OK because I can talk to them and ignore the crowd surrounding me. But, I was on my own!

The first day was good, I only had two small breakdowns (actually that is fucking awesome considering the number of times I was close to tears). I ended up finding a small, quiet corner and just sat down and closed my eyes. I ended up constantly texting people, so if you were one of the people I was sending message after message to, well I'm sending you a big thank you if you replied because you actually prevented me from furthering my freakouts. It also helped that I ran into one of my Kenosha Boys at con and kind of buried my face in his chest for about 5 minutes while he hugged me.


Saturday was much better for me. I ran into people I actually knew and got a few hugs. I went to some panels, made a few new friends. Then went to the burlesque show and it was AMAZINGLY awwweessoooome! :D I had a few mini meltdowns but I got the best hug from Uncle.

The last day was honestly the best for me. Though, to be fair, I was in little-mode as soon as I set foot there. I think that's the only way I was able to stay awake and not freak out at all. I ran into my amazing friend who I haven't seen since high school and spent the whole day with her. I haven't laughed like that in a while. Also, we got to talk about how much we've grown but haven't really changed. Things I had forgot about were talked about. Heck, Uncle even got to kinda hear how I was pre-kink lol. Hearing the small stories made me realize how much I have actually changed in the past few years.

Next time, I will be sure to bring someone with me or not go. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people and being around people. I honestly like conventions of all sorts, it's just that I've always had social anxieties. There is too much stimuli for my brain to take in and too much too fast...well I start closing down and a break down starts. The best way for me to stop that from happening and get back to reality is a hug. I mean, a tug of the hair or slap would work too, but those produce a different result :P

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator Results

Partner orientation Submissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you. Arousal method Imagination: You indicated that you are usually aroused through erotic thoughts and fantasies. Pleasure Physical: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through heightened physical sensations. Sexual encounters Adventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.  Tends to rely on their imagination for their arousal. Fantasy and physical sensations are preferred as their primary means of experiencing pleasure and satisfaction in the relationship. Have unusual ability to focus internally while remaining flexible and adaptable to their partner's desires.

What Am I Looking for?

This question seems to pop up a lot. I'm constantly asked it when trying to get general information about certain fetishes and ideas. I get this question when guys message me. So, what is it that I want? It's taken me some time to really think about this and this is what I've come up with so far. I'm sure I will be constantly updating this one post or putting up new ones as my ideas change.

As of now, these are the things I’m looking for with different relationships.

What am I looking for - in Friendships

- Someone(s) who I can just hang out with.

- Someone(s) who is a bit geeky so that we can geek out together! :D

- Loyalty - there is nothing suckier than realizing someone who you thought was a friend is not only willing to stab you in the back, but will also rub salt deep into the wound and attempt to rinse it with lemon juice.

- Realizing that fun times that can be done cheaply. There is no need to spend tons of money on nights out. A great friend is one who enjoys the random times at a park on the swings, or dancing in the street to random music.

I would love to have a group of friends that I feel completely comfortable with. Friends are my chosen family, the ones I go to for a shoulder to lean on and with fantastic news to share. They are the ones who keep me going and keep me smiling my brightest. 

What am I looking for - in a Relationship

- something that is non-monogamous. I love the thought of having that one person that I can always go home to and curl in bed with and just know that no matter what, they're there for me. That is a beautiful thought. However, I love the freedom of being able to go out and do things with other people. I like new experiences with new people. If my partner wants to watch, that’s awesome. If they want to join, even better! I get that this type of relationship isn't for everyone. I've tried the full monogamy relationship multiple times and I've come to terms that it is just not for me. 

Also, I can't do vanilla relationships. They do nothing but leave me feeling unfulfilled and wanting something more. In a perfect world I would have a loving Daddy, who would also be my Handler while I engage in pup play, and who would be a sick bastard when I'm craving days to be completely used and beaten until I am lying in a puddle of sweat, tears, and maybe even a bit of blood. I get that this is may be unlikely to have this all in one person, but it's something that I crave. I don't want to be the dominate one in a relationship. I've done that before, it really isn't me. 

What am I looking for - in Play Partners

-         Please be willing to meet in a very public place if we have not met yet. There are very few times where I am willing to meet with someone without doing this.

-         Do not expect anyone listed on my profile to be included in our play session!

-         Be willing to talk about things before hand. Limits need to be discussed and expectations should be laid out before anything happens.

-         Be ok with the fact that our play session may only be a one-time thing

Well this is all for now. Like I’ve said before, I will be updating this because I realize that I will continue to change and grow as a person and that my needs will change along with this. 

Big News

So, today was a wonderful day for me. Actually beyond wonderful. I got to hang out with two of my favorite people and chill, help out, and watch a great movie. I also got to break some news and now that I have broken the news in person to these people, I can break the news here...

It's a mix of good and bad (depending on who you ask). This is one of the harder things I will write because it's still settling in my mind. But July will be my last month in Chicago. I'm not 100% sure on the exact day I'm leaving, but as of July 2013 - I will be moving to Arizona. I have my reasons and a move has been in the making for many years, but I was always too scared to do it. Now, I've made up my mind. It sucks at the timing because I feel I was just starting to get close to more people and really open up.

I have been doing my best to hold back my tears when I talk about it, but as it becomes more apparent and I'm starting to sort through things and figure out what I'm taking, it's harder to hold them back. So, if I ask you for a day to hang out, please realize that you mean something to me and I am trying to start my good-bye process with you. As it gets closer to that day, it will be harder for me to see people and that's why I will be starting soon.

I'm not sure if I will be having a going away party. I've never been good with them. I've always been one to sneak away in the middle of the night and never be seen from again. I'm trying not to do that though. So many of you have become important to me that I could never just disappear from you. Despite up and downs, despite how uncertain our relations are to one another, despite any hurt there might be - there are a few of you that I love with all my heart and I want to spend time with you and clear the air.

I posted this on my Fetlife and I feel more comfortable continuing on here. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Not only am I moving and leaving my life in Chicago behind, but I'm going by myself. I have always had a significant other waiting for me when I thought I was moving, but this time is different. I'll be staying with a friend and his wife, but I am on my own. I will have no real family to call up if I'm in trouble. I will have no one there to cuddle with and who will give me a kiss on the forehead when I need it badly. I get that some people are going to be a phone call or a text away to talk to, and that helps immensely, but there will be no one else there. I have to start from scratch again. Just as I'm getting settled in and finding my place in a group of friends, I am leaving. I wonder if that's the best.

This is a big, scary step for me. But I know that I need to do this. 

Quick Update

This is just a quick update since I haven't been writing as much. So many things have been  happening to me that I just haven't had time to do anything else. I really have nothing to talk about; I've slowly been pulling away from kink-related things. I've become weary of the males in the scene who seem to want one thing and one thing only; and it's something I'm tired of fighting off. I want something more. Something many seem to not want to have.

I noticed that I'm also pulling away from friends, but I have no real will to stop and fix that. I am tired of going out and meeting people to do things. I'm tired of one-sided "friendships". I just feel like crap.

On a good note, I had an interview early last week. I think it went really well and my sis-in-law (who works for the agency) said that there is a high chance I have the job. So I'm really happy, especially if I get this! That's really all. I'm tired and my brain doesn't want to work lol

Second Chances

Recently, someone who was once very close to me came back into my life. I wasn't expecting it at all. The thing is, we left off on bad terms. Things were said and things were done that severely hurt me emotionally. I had been angry at him for so long too, wondering if I meant nothing to him the whole time we were friends. Then I heard that he gotten out of a relationship and part of me wanted to laugh because it was that relationship starting that caused me so much pain and isolation. I wanted to laugh at his pain, but I couldn't. I was so afraid that he would message me and I would explode in anger. I was staying away from everything that I knew he could contact me on, but somehow I let my guard down and there it was, a message on facebook. I almost didn't read it. I wanted so badly to ignore it but I answered.

For a few moments, the anger rose. I did my best to keep my cool but just getting that message shook me up and I finally started to cry. I'm not one for tears usually. I do my best to hold them all in and put on the strong face for everyone. So we talked for a bit and I let out some anger, but it was still growing. Anger started to turn to frustration - frustration that the best friendship I had wasn't ever going to be the same. Frustration that I had let people get so close to me and that being so close to these two people had been turned against me. So, I did the logical thing and kept talking. And more information came out. At the time, I thought my ex was a great guy (which he was for a while) but it was after talking to this friend and my Daddy that it REALLY started to sink in the things he did. So after a few more hours of talking, I couldn't be mad.

See, I wasn't really mad at my friend, upset - yes. But that had long been gone. I was more upset that old wounds were being opened. Wounds that I had closed up sloppily. So now, the wounds were reopened, and I am having the chance to let them heal properly. I sat in my chair, staring at my screen and just cried like I hadn't done in months. I realized everything I had been doing up until this point was to make me feel like my old self and none of it helped. For the few who know me very well, I've been fucking miserable these past 6 months. I've had lots of great days that have kept me going, but there was always something missing. I forced many smiles, forced myself out to meet new people, drank to mask pain that I didn't want to admit was there... I have been even more miserable wondering what the hell was going on in my life and why, every time I thought I was getting close to someone and ready to let them see the real me, I started to be ignored and pushed aside. I was so ready to be done with people in general and to just leave. Then he shows up and I started to come alive again. It's weird what one person can do to you in a matter of a few days.


Now I get a second chance. I get a second chance to talk about what I went through and get his side of the story. I get to see that I wasn't the only one hurting and trying to reach out to the other, but there was someone we both were scared of angering. I get a second chance to clean out the wounds and let them heal slowly and properly. Now, I'm not scared to lower the castle bridge and let people in more freely. Because I have my friend back, the one who was in my corner. The one who understands me more than most people because we think so similarly. I have my friend back and this time, we've learned and grown. This time, we'll be smarter and have our eyes open.

I have my friend back and I finally can really smile.

Taken By Many - Probably Not what you think

It's taken me a bit to write about this but there are things I want to say about a few people in my life. Some of them aren't on this site but I got permission to post this up here. This isn't even a complete list yet. I have gotten emotional while writing this so it will take me some time to completely finish this. So until then, enjoy this current work in progress :)

I have come to realize that my heart has been taken. There is a special lady, my Bibi, my best friend. It was by chance that we met. It was on IMVU of all places. For some time, I created things for that site to get some cash and kill time while I was in school. I was ok at it and knew how to really get things done. She was looking for someone to help her. So I volunteered. We talked every day and I would give her tips. Over time, conversations became less about making things and more about learning about each other. Slowly, my Bibi made her ninja way through my castle and found my heart. This is a hard task for many people because I push and I push hard. But, being Bibi, she snickered at the challenge and somehow found the map. This chic is a true damn ninja! It's taken her a few years now but she made her way through the maze. Once she was in, she didn't take advantage of it. She could have grabbed my heart and slowly crushed it. Instead, she's been guarding it. She found my heart and started to nurse it back to health, much like a bird with a broken wing. When I was ready, she watched me carefully and let me test the waters. When I thought I could fly to the sun and came crashing down, it was my Bibi that was there, running to catch me as I fell and nurse me back to my feet.

Then there is my Daddy, Joii. Joii has been in my life since high school. He's one of 2 people I talk to on a constant basis from that time. Joii has seen me at my absolute best and my absolute worst. He has always been there for me, even when we argued and I pushed him away, he was there. Joii is more than my best friend, he's my Daddy. Joii was one of the few to visit me in college and we have lived together before. Looking back, even then Joii was protective of me. We have had all different types of relationships. I am so glad we have known each other this long and that he continues to be in my life. I have written so much about him before but it still isn't enough to truly express what this man means to me. I tell him everything. He was the first person I told about the night terrors and the reasons I was going days without sleep. He was the person I willingly told about some things that had happened throughout my life. He never once prodded or gave me an ultimatum to tell him. He just opened his arms and let me move at my own pace. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a Daddy. There is so much I could say about him, but it would take so much space and I'd get to emotional, I probably wouldn't finish :P

Then there is D & A (I don't want to use their real names), sometimes referred to as my "Kenosha Boys" (only one lives there though lol). I met both these guys in college and, although we rarely talked, we were still friends and the conversations were always awesome. I met D while learning to play D&D. It started off with me being afraid of him because of my roommate's accounts (she was his ex). But as I got to know him, I saw just how wrong she was. D spoke his mind and introduced me to many awesome things. We liked all the same movies, and he introduced me to many I had not seen. He was the person I went to when my then boyfriend and I were arguing and I got the back of a hand to my face. We spent that summer hanging out, watching movies, and picking on the snotty kids and workers that were there for the summer. Although there is distance, I try to see him as much as I can. He is one of the few guys I know EXACTLY where I stand with. We understand how our relationship works and the limits to how much we can hang out; hell, we understand than hanging out for more than a week will lead to us attempting to kill one another. He was one of very few who actually offered to take me in when I was kicked out of my house and not welcomed in my dad's house.

Then there is A. He is my closest friend. We weren't that close when we first met in college and I only talked to him a few times before moving off campus and leaving school. However, once we reconnected, we became really good friends. A allows me to vent to him when I can't take it anymore. I feel so comfortable around him and let down my guard every time, something I rarely do with people. I don't feel I ever have to hide how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

_____________________________

Ok, that's all I can write for one day lol. There are about four or five more people that are to be included in this list. I'll write it later, when I'm not so sappy feeling lol

When is it Ok to give up?

When is it ok to give up? When much of your days are spent  deeply fantasizing about a life that doesn’t even remotely resemble your own? When you look at people having fun and enjoying themselves and almost feel like they are communicating in a language which you no longer know how to speak? How about when all of your thoughts are consumed with what could be if you were only just brave enough to leave? Is it ok when almost everything that comes out of your mouth is a dumbed-down version of a lie, because you just cannot bring yourself to admit the only truth in your mind: I hate it here; is it ok then? How about when you have found yourself crying every night while you are all alone, when no one else can see you, because you have never felt more alone or unable to do something about what your life has become? Is it ok to give up then?

What to you do when your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you nearly burst into tears just because you cannot stand bringing yourself to going through another day in a life you hate? What do you do when your friends all offer to go out but you have lost all motivation to join them? What do you do when you just can't bring yourself to fake the smile so many people have come to believe is real? Is it ok to give up then?

A New Direction in Life?

There has been an idea on my mind for a few months now. Actually, I had this idea when I was in college and feeling really broke. I just never thought I could do it. I thought of being a phone sex operator. I don't find my voice necessarily sexy but if people are constantly asking to chat with me on Skype and the phone, it must be I guess. For some reason, this has been in the back of my mind. I guess it's the whole "This is not something you're supposed to do" mentality that I grew up with and the need to push against that state of mind.

Back then, I had did a little research into becoming one but let it slip out of my mind. At the time, I didn't think that I could ever do it. I had very little confidence, even less when it came to being "sexy" or sex in general. I thought I had no appeal to anyone but the guy I was with (and I thought he was doing it out of pity). With the way things are going lately, my mind keeps revisiting these old thoughts. I have grown so much since I first thought of it. I still have some research to do about this and I am going to take my time and really think things through.

What do you think? I have my reasons and ideas, but it's always nice to get others perspectives on things.

Be My Hades - a Poem

Be my Hades
I’ll be your Persephone
No need for pomegranate seeds
Let us rule together
Far from all others
Do not worry
They will come to understand
Be my King of Death
I’ll be your Queen of Life
Let me be the brightness in the dark.

Just a Taste - a story

          There’s something about him that I just can’t resist. It’s when he starts kissing me; it’s like he’s a different person. As soon as he starts kissing me, I’m His. He knows just what to do and every time it’s the same. He takes his time. He is patient with his movements, with his touches. There is something about him that I just can’t resist.

     He didn’t touch me apart from my face and he just stayed like that and kissed me for a while. He knew exactly what it was doing to me; he could feel how much I wanted him by the way I was kissing him back. By the way I pushed my body into his. But he wouldn’t give in. Not yet. Instead, he started kissing my neck. He went for that little area just below my ear. The kissing and the feel of his hot breath only worked to make me want him more. I wrapped my legs around him and found myself grinding against his leg, begging him to touch me. But he didn’t. He just chuckled. He just kissed down my neck a little bit more, occasionally giving it little bites. I started to moan. I just let a few little sighs escape from my lips. I felt his hand on my hip. He was still kissing my neck, but I felt him tease his hand under my top and round my back. His hand squeezed my hip. He unclasped my bra; took my top off and then the bra. His hand moved back down to my waist then up to my breast. He cupped it; started to kiss me some more, then I felt his fingers tease my nipple, making it erect and making my kissing more desperate. I moved from lying on my side to lying on my back. He climbed on top of me. The weight of him there turned me on some more. He kissed my neck a little longer, before slowly moving his lips down to my breasts. He gave my left nipple a lick before he gave it a few teasing nips. Then he put his mouth round it and started sucking my nipple. My breathing started to get heavier and my fingers curled, gripping the bed sheet I was lying on.  There is something about him that I just can’t resist.

     The small moans started again, but this time a little bit louder and lasting a little bit longer. I could feel the wetness between my legs, and I wanted nothing more than for him to touch my pussy. He stayed sucking and biting my nipple, and using his fingers to play with my other one. Then he stopped. He moved his mouth and moved his hand, and pulled himself up so his face was facing mine. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted him to carry on; I wanted him to fuck me. But instead he smirked; he started to kiss me some more. But then I felt his hand move down. Down to my skirt. He popped open the button and pushed down on the fabric. His hand moved down some more. He rested it on the curve of my belly just above my panties and his fingertips stated to grazes where he had rested them. My body started to twitch and tingle with excitement knowing how close he was to touching me.

     He moved his hand back up and grabbed the top of my skirt and started tugging at it, pulling it down off my legs. He took them off then resumed his position on top of me. He put his hand between my legs and started to gently scratch the inside of my thighs. I opened my legs a bit more, trying to encourage him to move his hand to my pussy and feel the wetness of what he’d done to me. He teased me some more, but I could feel him grabbing now and it was getting more intense. I knew he was stopping himself from ripping my panties off and putting his fingers inside me. He moved his hand a little bit more. He was right there now. He started to rub me through my panties and kissed me on my neck. I moved underneath him, helping him, making sure he wasn’t doing all the work. I felt his lips move to my ear. He breathed right into it, causing a tingle to move from the top of my head right down to the tip of my toes.

            "I want to taste you."

     He moved himself down my body, making sure to give me kisses on my neck, nipples, and bellybutton as he worked his way down. He got to my pussy, put his mouth round it and breathed onto it through the material of my panties. I felt his hands move up and his fingers curl around the waistband of my panties as he pulled them down and off. He pulled himself back up to my pussy and I could see in his face how much he wanted to busy his face in it. He parted my lips and gave my clit a few gentle licks. A satisfied sigh fell from my mouth and I knew it wouldn't take long for me to orgasm.

     He had built up so much and taken so long, I knew I was going to come while he was going down on me. He licked a few more times before putting his whole mouth over my clit and beginning to suck. I felt his fingers tease the opening to my pussy before pushing one finger inside me easily. I was so wet. I was making his finger wet. And this turned me on more. He was sucking my clit and rubbing my g spot. My breathing was getting heavier and I heard myself moans some more. I wanted to feel like this forever. I felt amazing. I felt so good. I felt him put another finger inside me and I started to feel myself reaching the top of ecstasy. I started grinding my pussy against his mouth. I started to feel dizzy. Stars began to float across my vision. My breathing got heavier. I could feel my mind emptying all thoughts that were in it. Words, that I now can’t remember, started coming out of my mouth as well as the moans and sighs I had already been doing. I felt my legs start to twitch. I felt my clit start to throb. I was so close now and I couldn’t wait. His sucking got more intense as he started to use his teeth gently to help me along. His fingers inside me started working faster and deeper, rubbing my g spot and then it happened.

     It started at my clit. A tingling bit of electricity that started and spread out round the whole of my body in a circle. I felt the tingle move up through my stomach. I felt it moving down my legs. Then it reached my breasts. It moved out through my arms, up my neck and down my ankles. It reached my toes, fingers and the top of my head last. Then I felt it start again at my clit and move out. My mind was completely empty. I had a vague idea that I was moaning and making noises, but it felt so distant from my body. I could think of nothing but how amazing I felt right then, right there at that moment. And I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want it to ever stop. I wanted to this feeling to last forever. I felt so incredibly sexy, and the tingling throb kept restarting at my clit and moving out.
I dug my heels in the bed, crawled my way up and my pussy away from his face. I felt his fingers still moving in and out of me and I pulled myself up some more then lay to the side of where he was. I screamed out. His fingers moved more roughly against my g-spot. My screaming became louder. I could feel the warmth spreading over my body again. I looked down. He had that smirk on his face. I pushed my head back into the pillow and screamed. I drenched him; he chuckled and pushed against my g-spot again. I screamed more, squirting out harder this time. I crawled away from him again. He pulled his fingers out and smiled. I lay there for a while. Dizzy with happiness. Tears falling from my eyes from the sheer intensity I had felt and was still feeling. My body twitched as my clit started to slow down the tingling until it stopped. My breathing slowed and I opened my eyes. His face was over mine, smiling and smug. He leaned down and kissed me, pushing his soaked fingers into my mouth.
   
       "Every time," he said, "I can do it every time."

     His eyes sparkled as he crawled and laid down next to me. His warm arm wrapped around me and pulled me close. I was still putty in his hands. I sighed happily and rested my head against his chest. My eyes were heavy and I could hear him chuckle. "Nap. I'll be here when you wake." I smiled and let me eyes close as I drifted off in his arms. This was happiness.

Contemplation of Things

I feel as if I am in some sort of mental limbo. I'm not really sure where my mind is or where it wants to go. I thought I had a rasp of what I wanted; I thought I had a grasp of the things that I felt would be beneficial for me. However, as soon as they neared, I didn't take the chance and grab them and now that it's getting away, I'm left to wonder if it was what i actually needed.

With recent proclamations of feelings from friends (a few actually), I am left to wonder things. Have I led these people on? What could I have done that made them start to feel this way? Do I feel the same way? Could I ever go back to having a vanilla relationship? I don't know. I've been debating if finding someone who is into my kinks is even possible anymore. Perhaps it would be easier (and better for me) if I pushed it all away and went back to vanilla. As much as I think of this option, I know it would never happen. I don't want to go back to repressing the things that I like. I don't want to go back to feeling the emotional pain of hiding things that I like and hiding that part of myself from someone.

I'm sick of the unattached sex though. Since Drake has been long out of the picture (and my mind), I find that I have not felt a connection with anyone even a fifth that I had with him. I've found so many who I would love to be better friends with, but I have to pull back when I realize that all they want from me is to play. I'm not against play, but it's not my main objective anymore. I want people in my life who will be there to hang out and have fun times with. I'm tired of being seen as the girl that people can play and fuck around with, but who is not seen as relationship material (I have actually been told that too).

So, to see what would happen - I made a remark about going celibate for a while. I expected a few people to be weirded out by that idea. I did not expect that there would be those who would spit in my face (so to speak) and walk away from me, or even appear to be angry at me. I realized then that these people who I thought were friends, had a different motive and that bombshell had curbed it hardcore. I even got texts from people who seemed to be taking a hiatus from talking to me! My little experiment started to show me the true colors of people I was hanging around with.

It sucks and it hurts having to now wonder why people are befriending me from now on. Is it because they actually want to know me? Or are they trying to know me enough so I will have sex with them? Maybe I do need to take sex off the table for a while and see what happens.

25 Things You Don’t Have To Justify To Anyone

I found this while surfing the web and nodded at everyone of them, so I thought I would share it with you all :). Found this on the ThoughtCatalog.


1. Your job. Yes, even if you’re working something that other people condescendingly term “not a real job,” such as retail or service. If you have a job of any kind in this economy, you've already won.

2. Whether or not you have debt. If you managed to get out of your education debt-free, that doesn't mean that your life is a financial walk in the park that you constantly have to be apologizing for. If you are in debt, it doesn’t mean you got a “worthless” degree and now deserve to be shamed for struggling to find work after you were convinced by your school that you were making a good decision.

3. The kind of food you enjoy eating, or why you enjoy eating. (No matter how “uncultured” or “boring” or “gross” someone else might deem your favorite food.)

4. Your decision to have children, or not have them, or to not be sure if you even want them.

5. Your dislike for marriage as an institution — and even if this one day changes, you don’t have to justify having grown as a person and moved into a new point of view. No one should be telling you “I told you so” over something as enormous as your decision to commit for life to another person.

6. Your sexuality, or your desire to experiment with it. You are allowed to have “phases” or “try things out” or be “confused,” and can take as much time as you want figuring it out.

7. Your gender presentation.

8. Your income level, and what you can and cannot afford. If you are having trouble keeping up with friends because you are not able to spend as much as them, there is no reason to risk financial ruin to try and keep up appearances.

9. Your body. The only person whom you need to talk to about with it is your doctor; everyone else can else can go kick rocks.

10. Whether or not you want to go out on a weekend night, or ten weekend nights in a row. The amount of time you spend in a bar or at a club does not directly correlate with how cool or worthy a person you are.

11. Your relationship status. If you’re single and happy, that’s great. If you’re in a relationship and happy, that’s great. If you’re either of those and not happy, you are more than allowed to be, and it’s no one’s business how you should “fix” it unless you ask them for their advice.

12. How many friends you have. One is enough. A hundred is enough. And there is no need to falsely upgrade acquaintances to “friend” status in your mind simply to fill out the ranks. A true friend is rare, and we don’t need to make it a competition for who has the most.

13. How much you drink when you go out, or if you drink at all, or why you choose not to drink if you do.

14. What kind of music you enjoy listening to.

15. What kind of an education you have or don’t have, or if you intend to go back and finish what you’ve started. If continuing your studies is something you want to do, good, but don’t be forced into saying that you want it just because it’s what people expect of you.

16. What you happen to be turned on by. If you like slash fiction, you like slash fiction. If you like people recording videos of themselves popping balloons, that’s awesome for you. It’s all good, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone, have at it.

17. Whether or not you know to cook, even if you’re a woman who “should” know how to do those things.

18. If you stay at home to raise your children, or if you hire someone to help you do so because you have a full-time career. Neither of those choices are more or less feminist, no matter what Elizabeth Wurtzel tells you.

19. How many people you have had sex with.

20. Whether or not you are a virgin, and whether or not you want to wait for marriage to lose said virginity.

21. Whether or not you believe in God, and what you think God actually is. (As long as you’re not imposing any of your beliefs on others, in which case we’d have a bit of a problem. But I trust that you’re cool and wouldn't do that.)

22. Who you voted for and why. If you want to talk about it, you’re free to. But no one should ever make you feel like you have to tell them.

23. If you have sex on a first date, if you kiss on a first date, or if you won’t even hold hands on a first date. You’re allowed to do whatever you like when you've just met a new potential suitor.

24. Whether or not you choose to use dating websites.

25. Not knowing exactly what you want to be when you grow up, even if many people would already put you in the category of “grown up.” If you are considering going back to school, or changing careers, or moving, or starting a family, or doing charity work — it’s all good. And none of it has to be followed up with a longwinded explanation about why it’s a good idea and they should believe in you. If you need to justify what makes you happy to someone in your life, perhaps you should ask yourself why you even care about their opinion in the first place.

My Knight

I don't want a knight in shining armor. I desire a knight that is dented and bloodied. Shining armor shows he has sent forth others to fight as he sits back. Those who are dented and bloodied have taken the task of going out to protect those around them. The dented and bloodied know what it is like to fight for something. While the shining knight gets the girl and praise of the kingdom, the dented and bloodied are cast aside as pawns.

I do not want a knight in shining armor. I desire a knight that is dented and bloodied. I am not the princess locked in the tower. I am the maiden that attends to the princesses and keeps them sane until their shining knights rescue them. I am the one who will battle to keep them safe. I will meet this dented and bloodied knight halfway as he tries to battle through to the castle. We will have have conquered many demons on each of our sides.

It will be with each others help that we defeat the biggest demon of all. There will be a long battle ahead; at times we will be forced to battle one another. At times, we will be hurt, leaving the other to continue on battling alone. If we continue the battle together, if we watch each others backs, we will emerge victorious.

If we are victorious, we will no longer be at the beckoning of the shiny knight and the various princesses. If we are victorious, we will walk away with the head on the demon in tow, confident that we can take on all others who try to come between us.

Frustrated.

I am utterly torn in my mind right now. It has been some time since I felt my mind wage war against itself as it tries to sort and process feelings and actions. These past few weeks are a blur in my mind. I had playtime a while back and we did things that I normally would not have done. I pushed my limits and gave into my curiosities. I've barely begun to bounce back from the drop I had after.

Now things just feel weird to me. Something clicked in my head (or unclicked) and I'm questioning everything. I really hate not knowing where I stand with people. I have friends with benefits that I know exactly where I stand - I can go to them with any problem and they will help me because they're my close friends, this includes the need for sex lol. I know my standing with them, I know they get to play with whoever else they want in the same way that I can. It's when I don't know and no boundaries have been established that my mind starts to freak out.

Maybe I'm just not finding the right people or I'm settling. I just can't stand when I meet people and immediately all they talk about is bringing more people into play times. It's like, "Excuse me, but we just met. We haven't even played yet and you want more people involved?" It feeds into the demons in my head. I seem to be attracting those who want to be poly, but only THEY can be poly. And if I decide I want to be, there is a stipulation that it can only be with other women, whereas they can be with women too. So how is that fair? I can't get close to someone of the opposite sex but you can? Uggggg

Maybe I'm over thinking things. I just need to take a step back and collect myself once more.

What you do to me my Muse

Have you ever experienced your muse pushing words into your brain but you couldn't write them fast enough? Your brain starts to fill with words that twirl around, forming different things then they were supposed to. But you still need to write them because you start to feel sick. You start to feel anxious. The more you try to ignore it, the strong the words get. The only way to relieve the pain is to keep writing, appease your muse.

Get her words onto paper before you forget. Get out her words before they wrap around your heart, tugging tighter until you can no longer breathe. Write as fast as you can, or else your heart will clench. The anxieties will set in. The words won’t come. They’re sitting on the tip of your tongue. But as best as you try, the words won’t come. They have wrapped around your brain and began to retreat into the dark. They will hide in the back of your mind, waiting until you can’t take it anymore. Write as fast as you can.

The words are your double edge sword. Their beauty flows onto the paper as your hand spasms and you try to quit. Your muse keeps pushing the words; she will overfill your brain. You become exhausted and want to stop. She will push more. The words will twist and form into new pieces. You must write them down! It is the most frustrating and painful experience, yet it is the most exhilarating. The rush of hormones surging through your body as your hand touches pen to paper and the scenes in your head are finally conveyed on paper. It is a magical thing to watch words fill page after page, yet you can never keep up.

You could type but your muse refuses and will disappear if you touch the keyboard. You must write it all. Your head starts to pound and your eyes will strain, but you have to keep going. You are slave to your muse as she fills your head once more. The words will not stop. Poems and stories overtake your pages, filling them with scenes of love and hate. The pages fill with imagery of that special night together. Fill with words to convey the need and want you are experiences. Your muse forces you to continue, to ignore that feeling of pain as it hits your wrist. You can do it; she whispers to your mind, you must do it. You cannot disobey; she is your Mistress and you are hers. Stopping will only make it worse.

The words start to wrap around you, holding you in your seat. They have become rope, binding you to the page. The words are overflowing from your head, was someone just calling me? Your muse pulls you back, she tells you to ignore it and just continue. The ringing in your ears starts and forces you to write more. You cannot disappoint her. She comes and goes as she pleases. You have to stop. The anxiety sets in again. Do. Not. Stop. The words have wrapped around your heart again and begin to pull. The only way to relieve the pain is to keep writing. The only way to appease her is to get her words onto paper. It is only when she is satisfied that the anxieties will leave. It is only when you have gotten the thoughts on paper that she will loosen the rope and let you go. You cannot sleep until she is satisfied.  She is your Mistress, you must obey.

Your wrist starts to spasm, but you press on. She has wrapped her arms tightly around you, pushing your hand onto the paper. Keep going. We are not done, she whispers softly into your ear. The hair on your neck stands. You need to stop but the pain worsens when you do. More pages are filled with the words. You hope that she will be appeased and let you stop, but you must continue on. More scribbles fill the blank page. The words start to wrap around your brain again; they slide down to your throat and down to your chest. You drop the pen to take a break and the pain sets in. Your head begins to pound as your chest tightens.

You let the pain overtake you. You muse tightens the words around your throat, pulling your head back to her. She is in your ear, whispering threats if you do not finish. Your breathing quickens as you squirm in your seat. You know you are alone, but it feels as if she is there. Your muse whispers more threatens and forces the pen back into your hand. Your mind is blasted with scenes of bodies pressed together in bed, scenes of being thrown down on the bed and straddled by a familiar body. Your hand tightens around the pen as it scurries across the page. The pain is subsiding. We are almost done, she whispers sweetly into your ear. You push yourself to finish. Your muse has finally become appeased.

Long Day

Copyrighted DragonTrix 2012

I'm just getting home from kinky drawing at GD2. No this was not drawn there, but I'm too tired to upload anything I drew tonight. Not much has really been going on. I'm glad the holidays are over and that I can start relaxing and getting back to working on my stories.