2012 in Review

This is something I usually post on the 31st, but considering recent events in my life I have decided to say to hell with it and post it now. For the past few years, I've done these but never had a place to post them. Now that I have my blog, I figured it would be a good place for it. This has taken me the better part of the month to sit down and write all of this out. This is my 2012 in review.

10 greatest things that happened in the past year:
1. I got to visit Washington DC and visit ALL the Smithsonian Museums (a dream of mine)
2. I lost 80 pounds
3. I opened up about abuse I had never talked about before
4. I learned that I don't have to give up who I am to appease others.
5. I met a new group of wonderful people who are slowly becoming some of my greatest friends
6. I got to go to Maryland to see my best friend and his wife
7. I started to write short stories again
8.  My body is more toned than it was last year.
9. I reconciled with some of my family
10. I got in touch with old friends that I dearly missed.

I am most proud of these three accomplishments from past year:
1. I started to eat healthier and work out more.
2. My drawing ability has improved with the constant practice
3. I have become more fashionable (trust me, this is a big accomplishment compared to previous years)

Three great lessons I've learned from last year are:
1. You don't need to keep people out with a wall, letting them see who you really are is the best thing to do. 
2. If your gut says something is wrong, don't ignore it
3. Don't let people's negativity affect you. Smile and let it bounce off of you.

Three personal developments I have made in the past year are:
1. I have taken over as "head of household" for my family.
2. I have come to terms with who I actually am and what I actually like
3. I cut back a LOT on the amount of alcohol I consumed.

If I could do things again last year, I would do these three things differently: 
1. I would have been open more about things that were going on and how I was feeling
2. I would have made sure that family members were actually going to doctors' appointments like they were supposed to.
3. I would have listened to my gut more often and spoke up about things that didn’t feel right.

Three things I need to do less of in the next year are: 
1. Worry about what negative things people have to say about me
2. Blow off my friends. I should be trying to see them more often
3. I need to drink less liquor.

Three things I need to do more of in the next year are:
1. Visit and hang out with my friends
2. Get out and explore the city
3. I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

Three things I need to stop completely doing in the next year are: 
1. Ignoring my gut.
2. I need to stop doubting myself and my skills.
3. I need to stop putting myself down

Three reasons I didn't achieve my goals from this past year are: 
1. I allowed others to talk me out of achieving them
2. I thought I couldn't do them
3. I was scared that if I achieved them, I would have nothing else.

Three goals I want to achieve this next year are:
1. Finish writing my book
2. Finish my divorce! :D
3. Start Graduate School and find a job.

Three reasons why I want to achieve these goals are: 
1. I have been working on my book on and off for the last two years, it's time I get serious.
2. It’s been over a year and it's time that it's done so I can completely move on in life.
3. I have been putting it off and know that I should get my Master's degree so I can get better job opportunities.

Smartest decision I made last year: 
The smartest decision I made was NOT moving to California. Every time planning starts, life has a way of throwing something big at me to keep me in Chicago. I’m glad I stayed because I got to help my Dad take care of my sister and be there for my sister during her last moments on earth.

Biggest risk I took last year: 
The biggest risk I took was going to DC to spend time with a guy I knew from online. It could have been the worst mistake of my life, but for the time I was with him - it was the best I had felt.

One sentence that sums up this past year:
A roller coaster like no other and I'd do it all again.

One year from right now, I want to my ideal day to look like this: 
Me coming home from work to a completely finished house, whipping up dinner for my family, and relaxing while eating dinner together. Perhaps even preparing for my significant other to come over after work/school and hang out for a while.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Compared to last year I am much, much happier; MUCH thinner; and poorer financially.

Did you fall in love in 2012? Are you still in love? 
I did fall in love this past year. And while it lasted, it was wonderful. Things never seem to go how we think they will. There were too many problems and both of us contributed to the growing number of problems. I am not in love with this person anymore, they will have a special place in my heart – but that’s it.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
For my 24th birthday, I was actually in Washington DC (for the first time) and it was the first time I celebrated my birthday in almost 10 years.

What kept you sane? 
Sane? Who said I was sane in the first place? It was realizing that no matter what happened, I would wake up the next morning and have the strength to get through and survive the day.

Who was the best new person you met?
This is a really hard question. There are a few very wonderful people I met this year that have made my life better and more fulfilling. I've met so many new people in 2012 that it really is hard to say who was the best to meet. There's my fetlife friends that I got to meet and they are all so wonderful and I feel blessed to know them. Then there are blogging friends I've met since I started this whole thing - and the emails I've gotten from this are awesome.

What was your favorite film of this year?
AVENGERS! :D Mmm…Captain America…-drools- It's either that or Ice Age: Continental Drift

What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to get a job this year. People keep telling me it’s ok and that everyone is going through this but I feel like the biggest failure. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough or I’m doing it wrong.

Where did most of your money go? 
Student loans and credit card payments -le sigh-

What was your favorite TV program? 
Once Upon a Time, Walking Dead, and Grimm.

A Funeral & Movie Night

I really need to get better at posting. I really haven't wanted to be online though. Lately, I've been just texting and skyping with very close friends. I needed the pull away from the internet. My last post was about my sister passing. We had the viewing and burial on the same day. My father couldn't take having to wait. I don't think the family could either. A lot of people surprisingly showed up. I saw family there I hadn't seen since my grandmother passed away 10 years ago. So it had been a whole decade and here are these people, trying to hug me and ask how everyone is. I kept myself together most of the day. I smiled and made small talk. I was there to hold people's hand and walk with them to see my sister because they couldn't do it by themselves. I also had the pleasure of taking my 5 year old niece and explaining why we were there and what was going to happen. I was prepared for this, I had my story about heaven and was ready to tell her until she put her hand on my arm and straight out went, "She's in heaven, with Capone and Benji right? She has her legs and she's taking them on walks." Capone and Benji are two of our dogs that died within the past year and my sister had lost both of her legs a few years ago. At 5, she had that pure understanding. All I could do was nod as this little girl grabbed a tissue and wiped MY tears. I had been holding it all in. She took MY hand and led me to my sister. She got on that little bench, placed her hand on my sister's and said "You take care of them and they'll take care of you. No more pain." I walked away, made an excuse, grabbed my baby nephew and walked out to the couches.  I got my composure back after that. I held myself together all through most of the burial too. I knew I had to be strong for my niece and my dad. I was fine. I kept telling myself I would be fine! And I was, until I stepped back and looked down. We were burying my sister at my mom's feet and something lost it. I knelt down and just cleaned my mom's headstone as much as I could. I ignored everyone else and just whispered to her. I used to visit her all the time, but things came up and I stopped going. Seeing that someone was bringing her fresh flowers stung at my heart. It was the worst feeling in the world. Other people had made time, but I couldn't. But I pulled myself together and put on a smile for all to see.

Not much else happened. The Saturday after was movie night. I had debated cancelling but knew I would need this. So, Saturday came, I was up at 6am. My friends were graduating at my alum, so I made my way over and clapped and cheered as they crossed the stage. I wish I had been able to stay longer, but I made my way over to the train and onto my pack mate's house. I should say that I was wearing high heel boots, they're comfy though, but still high heeled. So we get to the end of the train and we're trying to find our way. We arrived 30 minutes EARLY and were an HOUR late to the house lol. My feet were killing me. We kept getting sent in different directions, and then we got followed. It was also raining the whole time. Movie night was SO much fun. We got there and helped cooked the meal. It was nice to get there before it got crowded because it gave me a chance to get to know the hostess and some of the people there and keep my mind from overworking. I think the amount of wine I had also helped. I met some great people there that I hope to see again. It wasn't until later that the person I was most excited to see actually showed up. This man makes me smile so much. It was an exciting night, to say the least. Once the movies were over, there was just downtime and people talking. I got coaxed into a semi-pup state and was gnawing on someone's hand for a bit while someone else petted my head. Scritches are very nice when you're wound up lol. I felt very playful and affectionate by the end of the night. By about 1am, we said our goodbyes, and my ride and I were on our way home. I won't go into details, but a sleepover was had and I spent most of Sunday in the company of a handsome, witty, and awesome gentleman. It was very much needed.

So yea, that's about all that's happened. I plan on doing some holiday and new year related posts soon. :)

Making Last Memories

In a few hours, I will be seeing my sister for the last time. It will be the last memory I have of her before we bury her. As much as we fought, she is my sister. It's going to be hard because she passed hours before the 6 year anniversary of my mother's passing. This was all so sudden but thankfully I have friends who were there for me when family wasn't. When my family pushed me aside to check on everyone else, it was MY chosen family that came to me. When my family lectured me about my new responsibilities and how I have to "Woman-up", it was MY chosen family that held me, even if it was through texts and messages. I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life right now. 

My Daddy has been so wonderful through this all, constantly checking up on me and seeing if there is anything he can do, if I want to talk, etc. He doesn't ask how any one else is doing, and I am thankful for that. I know it sounds harsh but everyone else is concerned about them, I need people to be there for just me. Then there is the wonderful Mr. Otter. He is so new in my life and yet, he's constantly making me smile and laugh during this rough time.  I was so tempted to break down  and call my ex. He had been my rock for so long and I just wanted that familiar feeling of safety; thankfully, these two wonderful men stepped up and helped me be strong. 

_________________________________________________________

Sometimes we smile through the pain

Sometimes we smile through all the hurt

Sometimes we laugh through the rough times

Sometimes we laugh through the stormy clouds

It feels like I should block it all away

Bottle it up and release it later

But that comes at a price I’m not willing to pay

So I will let it out

I will shout and scream

It feels like I should run away from it all

Pack my things and disappear

But I don’t want to leave again

So I will stay this time

I will work it out in my own way.

-Written by Inu

Blessings in Disguise

I really thought I was through with the whole lifestyle. I was at a point where I wasn't sure I wanted to go back into it. I wasn't sure I wanted the kind of thing I had before - I didn't want to submit to someone. But that changed with a few messages and a spur of the moment meeting. I mentioned in my last update that I would go into more of what has been happening with me in redefining who I am and what I want.

First off, I have scratched finding what I thought I wanted - Daddy Dom. I did want it, it seemed so right for me; now I have it. One of my best friends stepped up and filled that role without even trying. It has been so wonderful to have no pressure of being sexual and no pressure of wondering if he thinks I'm weird for acting how I am. I can be his little princess and show him how much he means to me. It's more than that though. He's my protector, my go-to when I am  unsure. I have never felt comfortable talking to close friends about sex. Usually, they get all wound up and say some of the things I might do are slutty. He's different, he listens and doesn't judge me. I can show him a pictures of markings I got from a play session and he's telling me good job for taking it like a champ! This is the man who punched all the walls down and forced me to look at the mess and realize I couldn't just build the castle back up, I needed to recycle and let the land breathe and grow.

Then there is the sweetest girl around, who I've become so close to. She is such a sweetheart and makes me laugh all the time. I'm so used to closing off to new people and regarding them with suspicion, always wondering what their motive for talking to me is. This was different. I messaged her a few months back and we have been talking non-stop since. She really has become so close I consider her a pack mate. Without even realizing it, I had become so protective of her and wanting to take her under my wing so she could explore all the things she wants to. I also feel willing to open up to her. Any question she asks, I don't feel the need to sit and think if I what I should tell her, I just say it.

There is one more. It all started with randomly finding a picture and liking it, to a random message that never stopped. We talked and on a day of privacy, I met. I get the whole "you should meet in public for the first time" and the "be careful, you never know who the person actually is", but I'm fucking sick of it. I lived that way for so long that I was tired of it. I guess I'm naive enough still to believe that because I've had luck before in finding non-serial killers, that I would be good this time. But ya know what, I'm still alive, I'm still here. Mr. Devil (his nickname from me) is a gentleman and took things are slow as I wanted. It was really fun the first time we had a play session. It wasn't so much a scene as it was just pure, desirable, primal...sex. And it was. A. Fucking. Mazing! He may slowly bring out the old masochist in me ;p We had another play session the other day, and again - it was just amazing. It was more of us hanging out

That's really it for now. I'll be working on new stories and poems. I just need some more inspiration :)

I wonder why I ask lol

I've gotten into this habit (I guess you could call it that) of asking someone for a topic to write about for the day. So, I go to a random media outlet I’m a part of and ask what I should write about. I haven’t been keeping up with that, but I something told me to ask. I asked, and I received topics. I always pick the first topic that is given to me; sometimes it’s a really good topic, sometimes it’s horrid. And sometimes it is just hard because somehow, some random person has picked a topic that hits close to home or is something I don’t like talking about. Today, I got one of these. 

I usually post these on a very private blog, but I've had friends who were curious about this. They wondered where some scars came from and I told them. They requested I post this up as part of my new, "I'll be completely honest about everything" attitude. So there it is. 

So the topic/question of the day is:

Have you ever cut yourself purposely? If so, what do you think made you do it, why did you keep doing it, and where are your scars? Also, if you don't do it anymore, how hard was it for you to stop?

Short answer: Yes and because it was addicting.

I started cutting in 7^th grade; I started young. I was a very quiet kid. I always seemed happy to most people but I was miserable. I was that awkward kid, who wore glasses, was taller than everyone, was chubby, had developed before everyone, and was usually teacher’s pet. Not many people liked me and the friends I did have were a tad cruel; but hey, they were MY friends right! Earlier that year, my grandmother had moved in with my family and things had changed for us.  I didn't start cutting purposely. It was not my intention to cut any part of my body. At that age, I had a thing for fire and knives (I still do). So I was out in our yard playing with one of my collectible knives, it wasn't sharp at all. I don’t even remember what I was doing with it but I remember just feeling overwhelmed and angry, so I closed my eyes and I pulled it back, and then slammed the knife down. I heard a little thunk and knew it hit something. I wasn't until I opened my eyes that I realized I slammed it into my leg. I didn't break skin or anything; it just hurt like a bitch. But, it felt good. I was so worried though, what if someone had seen me? What if I had broken skin and I would have to explain it to my mom?! It wasn't until the middle/end of that year that I started doing it on purpose. I used what I could. It was my escape. They were always small; I made them look like I hurt myself by being klutzy – that was my excuse for all the cuts and bruises. I did this all the way until I graduated high school. Only a few people knew. Only one or two people actually saw the scars. 

My scars are all over my legs and arms. I did them in places people wouldn't pay attention to. I covered up a lot in high school. I always had baggy clothes and wore pants. When I joined soccer and had to wear shorts, I moved from my thigh to my shin, where they would be hidden by shin guards and socks. I tried to stop at the end of high school but it was hard. I gave in a few times. I was more scratching at myself harder than usual to stop it. Instead of cutting, I was clawing myself. I have some faint scars behind my ear and around my body from how often I did it. 

  I did it because it was my release. It was my way of reaffirming that things would be OK  No matter how many times you cut yourself, you could see the scars heal and realize that things eventually heal themselves up. That was my mindset during that time. I kept doing it because I wanted the adrenaline. It gave me energy; it made me able to continue the day. No one knew the reason for my energy; they assumed it was just me being me. It was like an addiction for me, one that I sometimes have problems with.  I stopped completely over a year ago, once I had left my husband. I've learned other ways to deal with problems. I get the urge once in a while. It's usually when I am so overwhelmed and have exhausted every option to deal with it. But so far, it's been about a year and not once have I given in.


Do you have a question you're curious about and want me to answer? Email me at inutehpup@gmail.com

First email will become the topic for tomorrow! 

It's the Way

It's the way your hand slides in my hair
The feeling of your fingers curling around and giving me a tug

It's the way your lips press to mine
The feeling of your tongue as it invades my mouth

It's the way you throw me onto the bed
The feeling that I am your prey

It's the way your arms slide around me
The feeling of your body pinning me to the bed

It's the way I am screaming and thrashing about
The feeling that spreads all over

It's the way that feeling deep inside has come unleashed
The feeling of being alive as your teeth sink into my flesh

It's the way your lips press to my forehead
The feeling of warmth spreading over as you whisper "Good girl"

Quick Update

I <3 the Avengers, especially Captain America!

I want to quickly thank everyone that has checked out my blog. I actually never thought that I would see this blog get close to 400+ views. It was my intention when starting that this be a place where I could come talk about my journey through submission and being a pet. It turned into a place where I could come and express myself. I no longer was restricted to exclusively BDSM, but to life. I'm doing so much better than I have in the past few months. I know I said it before, but it's true this time. I am meeting wonderful people because of Fetlife and they are just a joy to talk to. I have found someone that I do consider to be a pack mate and she means a lot to me (more on that later). Also, I have decided that I no longer will be looking for a Daddy-Dom. That role has been filled. 

I will also be posting up some more stories and poems. I had put a stop to that because I couldn't handle it nor did I have the muse to write. That's changed and I think I have some really cool things to share with everyone.