Second Chances

Recently, someone who was once very close to me came back into my life. I wasn't expecting it at all. The thing is, we left off on bad terms. Things were said and things were done that severely hurt me emotionally. I had been angry at him for so long too, wondering if I meant nothing to him the whole time we were friends. Then I heard that he gotten out of a relationship and part of me wanted to laugh because it was that relationship starting that caused me so much pain and isolation. I wanted to laugh at his pain, but I couldn't. I was so afraid that he would message me and I would explode in anger. I was staying away from everything that I knew he could contact me on, but somehow I let my guard down and there it was, a message on facebook. I almost didn't read it. I wanted so badly to ignore it but I answered.

For a few moments, the anger rose. I did my best to keep my cool but just getting that message shook me up and I finally started to cry. I'm not one for tears usually. I do my best to hold them all in and put on the strong face for everyone. So we talked for a bit and I let out some anger, but it was still growing. Anger started to turn to frustration - frustration that the best friendship I had wasn't ever going to be the same. Frustration that I had let people get so close to me and that being so close to these two people had been turned against me. So, I did the logical thing and kept talking. And more information came out. At the time, I thought my ex was a great guy (which he was for a while) but it was after talking to this friend and my Daddy that it REALLY started to sink in the things he did. So after a few more hours of talking, I couldn't be mad.

See, I wasn't really mad at my friend, upset - yes. But that had long been gone. I was more upset that old wounds were being opened. Wounds that I had closed up sloppily. So now, the wounds were reopened, and I am having the chance to let them heal properly. I sat in my chair, staring at my screen and just cried like I hadn't done in months. I realized everything I had been doing up until this point was to make me feel like my old self and none of it helped. For the few who know me very well, I've been fucking miserable these past 6 months. I've had lots of great days that have kept me going, but there was always something missing. I forced many smiles, forced myself out to meet new people, drank to mask pain that I didn't want to admit was there... I have been even more miserable wondering what the hell was going on in my life and why, every time I thought I was getting close to someone and ready to let them see the real me, I started to be ignored and pushed aside. I was so ready to be done with people in general and to just leave. Then he shows up and I started to come alive again. It's weird what one person can do to you in a matter of a few days.


Now I get a second chance. I get a second chance to talk about what I went through and get his side of the story. I get to see that I wasn't the only one hurting and trying to reach out to the other, but there was someone we both were scared of angering. I get a second chance to clean out the wounds and let them heal slowly and properly. Now, I'm not scared to lower the castle bridge and let people in more freely. Because I have my friend back, the one who was in my corner. The one who understands me more than most people because we think so similarly. I have my friend back and this time, we've learned and grown. This time, we'll be smarter and have our eyes open.

I have my friend back and I finally can really smile.

Taken By Many - Probably Not what you think

It's taken me a bit to write about this but there are things I want to say about a few people in my life. Some of them aren't on this site but I got permission to post this up here. This isn't even a complete list yet. I have gotten emotional while writing this so it will take me some time to completely finish this. So until then, enjoy this current work in progress :)

I have come to realize that my heart has been taken. There is a special lady, my Bibi, my best friend. It was by chance that we met. It was on IMVU of all places. For some time, I created things for that site to get some cash and kill time while I was in school. I was ok at it and knew how to really get things done. She was looking for someone to help her. So I volunteered. We talked every day and I would give her tips. Over time, conversations became less about making things and more about learning about each other. Slowly, my Bibi made her ninja way through my castle and found my heart. This is a hard task for many people because I push and I push hard. But, being Bibi, she snickered at the challenge and somehow found the map. This chic is a true damn ninja! It's taken her a few years now but she made her way through the maze. Once she was in, she didn't take advantage of it. She could have grabbed my heart and slowly crushed it. Instead, she's been guarding it. She found my heart and started to nurse it back to health, much like a bird with a broken wing. When I was ready, she watched me carefully and let me test the waters. When I thought I could fly to the sun and came crashing down, it was my Bibi that was there, running to catch me as I fell and nurse me back to my feet.

Then there is my Daddy, Joii. Joii has been in my life since high school. He's one of 2 people I talk to on a constant basis from that time. Joii has seen me at my absolute best and my absolute worst. He has always been there for me, even when we argued and I pushed him away, he was there. Joii is more than my best friend, he's my Daddy. Joii was one of the few to visit me in college and we have lived together before. Looking back, even then Joii was protective of me. We have had all different types of relationships. I am so glad we have known each other this long and that he continues to be in my life. I have written so much about him before but it still isn't enough to truly express what this man means to me. I tell him everything. He was the first person I told about the night terrors and the reasons I was going days without sleep. He was the person I willingly told about some things that had happened throughout my life. He never once prodded or gave me an ultimatum to tell him. He just opened his arms and let me move at my own pace. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a Daddy. There is so much I could say about him, but it would take so much space and I'd get to emotional, I probably wouldn't finish :P

Then there is D & A (I don't want to use their real names), sometimes referred to as my "Kenosha Boys" (only one lives there though lol). I met both these guys in college and, although we rarely talked, we were still friends and the conversations were always awesome. I met D while learning to play D&D. It started off with me being afraid of him because of my roommate's accounts (she was his ex). But as I got to know him, I saw just how wrong she was. D spoke his mind and introduced me to many awesome things. We liked all the same movies, and he introduced me to many I had not seen. He was the person I went to when my then boyfriend and I were arguing and I got the back of a hand to my face. We spent that summer hanging out, watching movies, and picking on the snotty kids and workers that were there for the summer. Although there is distance, I try to see him as much as I can. He is one of the few guys I know EXACTLY where I stand with. We understand how our relationship works and the limits to how much we can hang out; hell, we understand than hanging out for more than a week will lead to us attempting to kill one another. He was one of very few who actually offered to take me in when I was kicked out of my house and not welcomed in my dad's house.

Then there is A. He is my closest friend. We weren't that close when we first met in college and I only talked to him a few times before moving off campus and leaving school. However, once we reconnected, we became really good friends. A allows me to vent to him when I can't take it anymore. I feel so comfortable around him and let down my guard every time, something I rarely do with people. I don't feel I ever have to hide how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

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Ok, that's all I can write for one day lol. There are about four or five more people that are to be included in this list. I'll write it later, when I'm not so sappy feeling lol

When is it Ok to give up?

When is it ok to give up? When much of your days are spent  deeply fantasizing about a life that doesn’t even remotely resemble your own? When you look at people having fun and enjoying themselves and almost feel like they are communicating in a language which you no longer know how to speak? How about when all of your thoughts are consumed with what could be if you were only just brave enough to leave? Is it ok when almost everything that comes out of your mouth is a dumbed-down version of a lie, because you just cannot bring yourself to admit the only truth in your mind: I hate it here; is it ok then? How about when you have found yourself crying every night while you are all alone, when no one else can see you, because you have never felt more alone or unable to do something about what your life has become? Is it ok to give up then?

What to you do when your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you nearly burst into tears just because you cannot stand bringing yourself to going through another day in a life you hate? What do you do when your friends all offer to go out but you have lost all motivation to join them? What do you do when you just can't bring yourself to fake the smile so many people have come to believe is real? Is it ok to give up then?

A New Direction in Life?

There has been an idea on my mind for a few months now. Actually, I had this idea when I was in college and feeling really broke. I just never thought I could do it. I thought of being a phone sex operator. I don't find my voice necessarily sexy but if people are constantly asking to chat with me on Skype and the phone, it must be I guess. For some reason, this has been in the back of my mind. I guess it's the whole "This is not something you're supposed to do" mentality that I grew up with and the need to push against that state of mind.

Back then, I had did a little research into becoming one but let it slip out of my mind. At the time, I didn't think that I could ever do it. I had very little confidence, even less when it came to being "sexy" or sex in general. I thought I had no appeal to anyone but the guy I was with (and I thought he was doing it out of pity). With the way things are going lately, my mind keeps revisiting these old thoughts. I have grown so much since I first thought of it. I still have some research to do about this and I am going to take my time and really think things through.

What do you think? I have my reasons and ideas, but it's always nice to get others perspectives on things.

Be My Hades - a Poem

Be my Hades
I’ll be your Persephone
No need for pomegranate seeds
Let us rule together
Far from all others
Do not worry
They will come to understand
Be my King of Death
I’ll be your Queen of Life
Let me be the brightness in the dark.

Just a Taste - a story

          There’s something about him that I just can’t resist. It’s when he starts kissing me; it’s like he’s a different person. As soon as he starts kissing me, I’m His. He knows just what to do and every time it’s the same. He takes his time. He is patient with his movements, with his touches. There is something about him that I just can’t resist.

     He didn’t touch me apart from my face and he just stayed like that and kissed me for a while. He knew exactly what it was doing to me; he could feel how much I wanted him by the way I was kissing him back. By the way I pushed my body into his. But he wouldn’t give in. Not yet. Instead, he started kissing my neck. He went for that little area just below my ear. The kissing and the feel of his hot breath only worked to make me want him more. I wrapped my legs around him and found myself grinding against his leg, begging him to touch me. But he didn’t. He just chuckled. He just kissed down my neck a little bit more, occasionally giving it little bites. I started to moan. I just let a few little sighs escape from my lips. I felt his hand on my hip. He was still kissing my neck, but I felt him tease his hand under my top and round my back. His hand squeezed my hip. He unclasped my bra; took my top off and then the bra. His hand moved back down to my waist then up to my breast. He cupped it; started to kiss me some more, then I felt his fingers tease my nipple, making it erect and making my kissing more desperate. I moved from lying on my side to lying on my back. He climbed on top of me. The weight of him there turned me on some more. He kissed my neck a little longer, before slowly moving his lips down to my breasts. He gave my left nipple a lick before he gave it a few teasing nips. Then he put his mouth round it and started sucking my nipple. My breathing started to get heavier and my fingers curled, gripping the bed sheet I was lying on.  There is something about him that I just can’t resist.

     The small moans started again, but this time a little bit louder and lasting a little bit longer. I could feel the wetness between my legs, and I wanted nothing more than for him to touch my pussy. He stayed sucking and biting my nipple, and using his fingers to play with my other one. Then he stopped. He moved his mouth and moved his hand, and pulled himself up so his face was facing mine. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted him to carry on; I wanted him to fuck me. But instead he smirked; he started to kiss me some more. But then I felt his hand move down. Down to my skirt. He popped open the button and pushed down on the fabric. His hand moved down some more. He rested it on the curve of my belly just above my panties and his fingertips stated to grazes where he had rested them. My body started to twitch and tingle with excitement knowing how close he was to touching me.

     He moved his hand back up and grabbed the top of my skirt and started tugging at it, pulling it down off my legs. He took them off then resumed his position on top of me. He put his hand between my legs and started to gently scratch the inside of my thighs. I opened my legs a bit more, trying to encourage him to move his hand to my pussy and feel the wetness of what he’d done to me. He teased me some more, but I could feel him grabbing now and it was getting more intense. I knew he was stopping himself from ripping my panties off and putting his fingers inside me. He moved his hand a little bit more. He was right there now. He started to rub me through my panties and kissed me on my neck. I moved underneath him, helping him, making sure he wasn’t doing all the work. I felt his lips move to my ear. He breathed right into it, causing a tingle to move from the top of my head right down to the tip of my toes.

            "I want to taste you."

     He moved himself down my body, making sure to give me kisses on my neck, nipples, and bellybutton as he worked his way down. He got to my pussy, put his mouth round it and breathed onto it through the material of my panties. I felt his hands move up and his fingers curl around the waistband of my panties as he pulled them down and off. He pulled himself back up to my pussy and I could see in his face how much he wanted to busy his face in it. He parted my lips and gave my clit a few gentle licks. A satisfied sigh fell from my mouth and I knew it wouldn't take long for me to orgasm.

     He had built up so much and taken so long, I knew I was going to come while he was going down on me. He licked a few more times before putting his whole mouth over my clit and beginning to suck. I felt his fingers tease the opening to my pussy before pushing one finger inside me easily. I was so wet. I was making his finger wet. And this turned me on more. He was sucking my clit and rubbing my g spot. My breathing was getting heavier and I heard myself moans some more. I wanted to feel like this forever. I felt amazing. I felt so good. I felt him put another finger inside me and I started to feel myself reaching the top of ecstasy. I started grinding my pussy against his mouth. I started to feel dizzy. Stars began to float across my vision. My breathing got heavier. I could feel my mind emptying all thoughts that were in it. Words, that I now can’t remember, started coming out of my mouth as well as the moans and sighs I had already been doing. I felt my legs start to twitch. I felt my clit start to throb. I was so close now and I couldn’t wait. His sucking got more intense as he started to use his teeth gently to help me along. His fingers inside me started working faster and deeper, rubbing my g spot and then it happened.

     It started at my clit. A tingling bit of electricity that started and spread out round the whole of my body in a circle. I felt the tingle move up through my stomach. I felt it moving down my legs. Then it reached my breasts. It moved out through my arms, up my neck and down my ankles. It reached my toes, fingers and the top of my head last. Then I felt it start again at my clit and move out. My mind was completely empty. I had a vague idea that I was moaning and making noises, but it felt so distant from my body. I could think of nothing but how amazing I felt right then, right there at that moment. And I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want it to ever stop. I wanted to this feeling to last forever. I felt so incredibly sexy, and the tingling throb kept restarting at my clit and moving out.
I dug my heels in the bed, crawled my way up and my pussy away from his face. I felt his fingers still moving in and out of me and I pulled myself up some more then lay to the side of where he was. I screamed out. His fingers moved more roughly against my g-spot. My screaming became louder. I could feel the warmth spreading over my body again. I looked down. He had that smirk on his face. I pushed my head back into the pillow and screamed. I drenched him; he chuckled and pushed against my g-spot again. I screamed more, squirting out harder this time. I crawled away from him again. He pulled his fingers out and smiled. I lay there for a while. Dizzy with happiness. Tears falling from my eyes from the sheer intensity I had felt and was still feeling. My body twitched as my clit started to slow down the tingling until it stopped. My breathing slowed and I opened my eyes. His face was over mine, smiling and smug. He leaned down and kissed me, pushing his soaked fingers into my mouth.
   
       "Every time," he said, "I can do it every time."

     His eyes sparkled as he crawled and laid down next to me. His warm arm wrapped around me and pulled me close. I was still putty in his hands. I sighed happily and rested my head against his chest. My eyes were heavy and I could hear him chuckle. "Nap. I'll be here when you wake." I smiled and let me eyes close as I drifted off in his arms. This was happiness.