Second Chances

Recently, someone who was once very close to me came back into my life. I wasn't expecting it at all. The thing is, we left off on bad terms. Things were said and things were done that severely hurt me emotionally. I had been angry at him for so long too, wondering if I meant nothing to him the whole time we were friends. Then I heard that he gotten out of a relationship and part of me wanted to laugh because it was that relationship starting that caused me so much pain and isolation. I wanted to laugh at his pain, but I couldn't. I was so afraid that he would message me and I would explode in anger. I was staying away from everything that I knew he could contact me on, but somehow I let my guard down and there it was, a message on facebook. I almost didn't read it. I wanted so badly to ignore it but I answered.

For a few moments, the anger rose. I did my best to keep my cool but just getting that message shook me up and I finally started to cry. I'm not one for tears usually. I do my best to hold them all in and put on the strong face for everyone. So we talked for a bit and I let out some anger, but it was still growing. Anger started to turn to frustration - frustration that the best friendship I had wasn't ever going to be the same. Frustration that I had let people get so close to me and that being so close to these two people had been turned against me. So, I did the logical thing and kept talking. And more information came out. At the time, I thought my ex was a great guy (which he was for a while) but it was after talking to this friend and my Daddy that it REALLY started to sink in the things he did. So after a few more hours of talking, I couldn't be mad.

See, I wasn't really mad at my friend, upset - yes. But that had long been gone. I was more upset that old wounds were being opened. Wounds that I had closed up sloppily. So now, the wounds were reopened, and I am having the chance to let them heal properly. I sat in my chair, staring at my screen and just cried like I hadn't done in months. I realized everything I had been doing up until this point was to make me feel like my old self and none of it helped. For the few who know me very well, I've been fucking miserable these past 6 months. I've had lots of great days that have kept me going, but there was always something missing. I forced many smiles, forced myself out to meet new people, drank to mask pain that I didn't want to admit was there... I have been even more miserable wondering what the hell was going on in my life and why, every time I thought I was getting close to someone and ready to let them see the real me, I started to be ignored and pushed aside. I was so ready to be done with people in general and to just leave. Then he shows up and I started to come alive again. It's weird what one person can do to you in a matter of a few days.


Now I get a second chance. I get a second chance to talk about what I went through and get his side of the story. I get to see that I wasn't the only one hurting and trying to reach out to the other, but there was someone we both were scared of angering. I get a second chance to clean out the wounds and let them heal slowly and properly. Now, I'm not scared to lower the castle bridge and let people in more freely. Because I have my friend back, the one who was in my corner. The one who understands me more than most people because we think so similarly. I have my friend back and this time, we've learned and grown. This time, we'll be smarter and have our eyes open.

I have my friend back and I finally can really smile.