Day 2

Nine things about yourself

• I’m 5’8” – tall for one side of my family and short for the other side
• I will have been married for 5 years August 2013. (ugggggg I wish it was over!)
• I puff my cheeks up when bored.
• I stare out the window when I think
• I have a hard time falling asleep without the feelings of an arm around me
• I really like the feeling of someone being on top of me
• I find it really hard to be mean to people, even when they deserve it
• I’m horrible at letting people go from my life
• I am scared of deep waters

Day 1

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:

1. I wish you would hurry up and get out of my life. Every time I get close to getting rid of you, you go into hiding like a coward. You want to marry the chic, fine. But you have to get through with something else first.  Stop spreading lies and blaming bullshit on me. I didn’t leave because I had someone else; I left you because you were an abusive, alcoholic, cheating prick. Honestly, I don’t care about you. I’m just tired of having your last name.

2. You make me so confused. I really don’t know whether to let you more into my life or push you away. I try my best to keep in contact and be a friend, but from your end it’s always iffy. I really wish you would just lay it out what kind of friendship you want this to be, if one at all.

3. No words can truly explain what you mean to me. You picked me up when I was at my weakest and was falling fast. It was because of you that I didn't break worse than I did; it was because of you that I refused to start cutting again and learned to find new coping mechanisms. You are such a great person and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You really are my best friend <3

4. You are a wonderful young woman. It has been a joy to call you a friend. I have had so many good times hanging out with you.  There are days we want to choke each other out, but that tends to end in laughter too. I’m so happy that the few seconds of courage I had to message you has proven to be one of the best things I have ever done. I will always see you as my little sister and I will protect you as one to.

5. I wasn’t sure what to think of you when we first met but I am so glad we did. I was honestly a bit intimidated by you but that went away when I got to hear you joke around with everyone. I feel so blessed to be your friend and that you have accepted me as one of your sisters. Although I’m moving away, don’t think this will change anything! I will come back to visit and you are always going to be on the list of the first people I come back to see! <3

6.  You are the most wonderful Bibi that anyone can have. You have been in my life for a few years and have proven over and over that you’re not going to leave. I know that you are the one person I can run to for ANYTHING and you will be there to scold me if I’ve been bad, then protect me, and devise a plan to get back at those who wronged me. Even if it’s all in jest, it’s nice to know that someone will be my partner in crime.

7.  You make me so confused too. I don’t know what to make of you; I don’t think I ever have. I want to be a friend to you, and I do try, but I’m not sure if it does any good. It’s amusing to me that I gave you a title and you seem to follow it just like the biological ones in my life.

8.  You are one of my best friends and I love the relationship we have. I can actually tell you anything and you might tease me about it, but you pass no judgment on me.  I know I can open up to you more, I know you know that too. I’m just thankful you have never rushed me to do so. I am forever thankful you started hanging out in my dorm room, even if it was to hang with the roommate to begin with. I just wish we got to know each other better while I was on campus. Better late than never though right?

9. You scared me when we met, but you know that. You’re one of my best friends and I LOVE how we understand each other. I think it’s awesome that we both know that just how long we can stand each other before the urge to kill each other sets in.  We know what to expect from each other and you are one constant in my life. I know I can run to you and hide when the world seems to crash down and you will be there with food, liquor, cuddles, and scritches. You know exactly how to pull out the happy me again, even when I don’t know where that part is.

10. Your positive outlook on life is contagious! A chance meeting at GD2 proved to lead to a great friendship. I knew you were awesome the first day we talked and I’m really glad we continued to talk. I wish we had hung out more while you were in Chicago and got to play again, but the time we had together I will cherish. I look forward to seeing you again.

Sick

I just don't know what to do. This cold/flu is getting to me. Every time I think I'm getting better, something else appears and I'm forced back into bed, shuddering in pain. All I want to do is curl up next to someone and be petted to sleep. I really don't like when I get this sick. I can usually handle it. I don't really get what's different this time. I feel my depression creeping on and it's so much worse. Everything that's happening, it's hitting me hard and I have no idea what to do.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Baby tie the rope around my neck
Lead me to my destruction
Don't know how much time will pass
Just let it feel like forever
You don't want to hurt me
Life's too short to even care
Wrap your hands around my neck
Tight. Tight. Tight.
Lick your lips
It's time to go
Down the Rabbit Hole.

A Poem for You

Let me kneel on the floor

Let me be your dirty whore

Legs wide opened

Mouth gagged shut

Please Sir

I just want to fuck

Lay me down

Tie me up

Tell me I’m your little slut
Grab my hair
Force me down
Black and blue
Make me swoon


Let me be your sexy play toy
Dress me up
Rip my clothes
Grab my hair
Tell me I'm yours
Fuck me rough
Fuck me hard
Tie the rope around my neck
Fuck me til you cum.

A weekend in review

I finally went to my first anime convention this weekend and boy, was it a bit overwhelming. For those who may not know, or may not have guessed it, I have social anxiety. I know I hide it really well and people think that I'm awesome in crowds. To an extent I am. I can also fake not being petrified, but deep down inside I am ready to run screaming. So, going to this convention was a bit too much for me, especially because I was by myself. If I have someone next to me most of the day, I'm OK because I can talk to them and ignore the crowd surrounding me. But, I was on my own!

The first day was good, I only had two small breakdowns (actually that is fucking awesome considering the number of times I was close to tears). I ended up finding a small, quiet corner and just sat down and closed my eyes. I ended up constantly texting people, so if you were one of the people I was sending message after message to, well I'm sending you a big thank you if you replied because you actually prevented me from furthering my freakouts. It also helped that I ran into one of my Kenosha Boys at con and kind of buried my face in his chest for about 5 minutes while he hugged me.


Saturday was much better for me. I ran into people I actually knew and got a few hugs. I went to some panels, made a few new friends. Then went to the burlesque show and it was AMAZINGLY awwweessoooome! :D I had a few mini meltdowns but I got the best hug from Uncle.

The last day was honestly the best for me. Though, to be fair, I was in little-mode as soon as I set foot there. I think that's the only way I was able to stay awake and not freak out at all. I ran into my amazing friend who I haven't seen since high school and spent the whole day with her. I haven't laughed like that in a while. Also, we got to talk about how much we've grown but haven't really changed. Things I had forgot about were talked about. Heck, Uncle even got to kinda hear how I was pre-kink lol. Hearing the small stories made me realize how much I have actually changed in the past few years.

Next time, I will be sure to bring someone with me or not go. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people and being around people. I honestly like conventions of all sorts, it's just that I've always had social anxieties. There is too much stimuli for my brain to take in and too much too fast...well I start closing down and a break down starts. The best way for me to stop that from happening and get back to reality is a hug. I mean, a tug of the hair or slap would work too, but those produce a different result :P

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator Results

Partner orientation Submissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you. Arousal method Imagination: You indicated that you are usually aroused through erotic thoughts and fantasies. Pleasure Physical: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through heightened physical sensations. Sexual encounters Adventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.  Tends to rely on their imagination for their arousal. Fantasy and physical sensations are preferred as their primary means of experiencing pleasure and satisfaction in the relationship. Have unusual ability to focus internally while remaining flexible and adaptable to their partner's desires.

What Am I Looking for?

This question seems to pop up a lot. I'm constantly asked it when trying to get general information about certain fetishes and ideas. I get this question when guys message me. So, what is it that I want? It's taken me some time to really think about this and this is what I've come up with so far. I'm sure I will be constantly updating this one post or putting up new ones as my ideas change.

As of now, these are the things I’m looking for with different relationships.

What am I looking for - in Friendships

- Someone(s) who I can just hang out with.

- Someone(s) who is a bit geeky so that we can geek out together! :D

- Loyalty - there is nothing suckier than realizing someone who you thought was a friend is not only willing to stab you in the back, but will also rub salt deep into the wound and attempt to rinse it with lemon juice.

- Realizing that fun times that can be done cheaply. There is no need to spend tons of money on nights out. A great friend is one who enjoys the random times at a park on the swings, or dancing in the street to random music.

I would love to have a group of friends that I feel completely comfortable with. Friends are my chosen family, the ones I go to for a shoulder to lean on and with fantastic news to share. They are the ones who keep me going and keep me smiling my brightest. 

What am I looking for - in a Relationship

- something that is non-monogamous. I love the thought of having that one person that I can always go home to and curl in bed with and just know that no matter what, they're there for me. That is a beautiful thought. However, I love the freedom of being able to go out and do things with other people. I like new experiences with new people. If my partner wants to watch, that’s awesome. If they want to join, even better! I get that this type of relationship isn't for everyone. I've tried the full monogamy relationship multiple times and I've come to terms that it is just not for me. 

Also, I can't do vanilla relationships. They do nothing but leave me feeling unfulfilled and wanting something more. In a perfect world I would have a loving Daddy, who would also be my Handler while I engage in pup play, and who would be a sick bastard when I'm craving days to be completely used and beaten until I am lying in a puddle of sweat, tears, and maybe even a bit of blood. I get that this is may be unlikely to have this all in one person, but it's something that I crave. I don't want to be the dominate one in a relationship. I've done that before, it really isn't me. 

What am I looking for - in Play Partners

-         Please be willing to meet in a very public place if we have not met yet. There are very few times where I am willing to meet with someone without doing this.

-         Do not expect anyone listed on my profile to be included in our play session!

-         Be willing to talk about things before hand. Limits need to be discussed and expectations should be laid out before anything happens.

-         Be ok with the fact that our play session may only be a one-time thing

Well this is all for now. Like I’ve said before, I will be updating this because I realize that I will continue to change and grow as a person and that my needs will change along with this. 

Big News

So, today was a wonderful day for me. Actually beyond wonderful. I got to hang out with two of my favorite people and chill, help out, and watch a great movie. I also got to break some news and now that I have broken the news in person to these people, I can break the news here...

It's a mix of good and bad (depending on who you ask). This is one of the harder things I will write because it's still settling in my mind. But July will be my last month in Chicago. I'm not 100% sure on the exact day I'm leaving, but as of July 2013 - I will be moving to Arizona. I have my reasons and a move has been in the making for many years, but I was always too scared to do it. Now, I've made up my mind. It sucks at the timing because I feel I was just starting to get close to more people and really open up.

I have been doing my best to hold back my tears when I talk about it, but as it becomes more apparent and I'm starting to sort through things and figure out what I'm taking, it's harder to hold them back. So, if I ask you for a day to hang out, please realize that you mean something to me and I am trying to start my good-bye process with you. As it gets closer to that day, it will be harder for me to see people and that's why I will be starting soon.

I'm not sure if I will be having a going away party. I've never been good with them. I've always been one to sneak away in the middle of the night and never be seen from again. I'm trying not to do that though. So many of you have become important to me that I could never just disappear from you. Despite up and downs, despite how uncertain our relations are to one another, despite any hurt there might be - there are a few of you that I love with all my heart and I want to spend time with you and clear the air.

I posted this on my Fetlife and I feel more comfortable continuing on here. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Not only am I moving and leaving my life in Chicago behind, but I'm going by myself. I have always had a significant other waiting for me when I thought I was moving, but this time is different. I'll be staying with a friend and his wife, but I am on my own. I will have no real family to call up if I'm in trouble. I will have no one there to cuddle with and who will give me a kiss on the forehead when I need it badly. I get that some people are going to be a phone call or a text away to talk to, and that helps immensely, but there will be no one else there. I have to start from scratch again. Just as I'm getting settled in and finding my place in a group of friends, I am leaving. I wonder if that's the best.

This is a big, scary step for me. But I know that I need to do this.