Contemplation of Things

I feel as if I am in some sort of mental limbo. I'm not really sure where my mind is or where it wants to go. I thought I had a rasp of what I wanted; I thought I had a grasp of the things that I felt would be beneficial for me. However, as soon as they neared, I didn't take the chance and grab them and now that it's getting away, I'm left to wonder if it was what i actually needed.

With recent proclamations of feelings from friends (a few actually), I am left to wonder things. Have I led these people on? What could I have done that made them start to feel this way? Do I feel the same way? Could I ever go back to having a vanilla relationship? I don't know. I've been debating if finding someone who is into my kinks is even possible anymore. Perhaps it would be easier (and better for me) if I pushed it all away and went back to vanilla. As much as I think of this option, I know it would never happen. I don't want to go back to repressing the things that I like. I don't want to go back to feeling the emotional pain of hiding things that I like and hiding that part of myself from someone.

I'm sick of the unattached sex though. Since Drake has been long out of the picture (and my mind), I find that I have not felt a connection with anyone even a fifth that I had with him. I've found so many who I would love to be better friends with, but I have to pull back when I realize that all they want from me is to play. I'm not against play, but it's not my main objective anymore. I want people in my life who will be there to hang out and have fun times with. I'm tired of being seen as the girl that people can play and fuck around with, but who is not seen as relationship material (I have actually been told that too).

So, to see what would happen - I made a remark about going celibate for a while. I expected a few people to be weirded out by that idea. I did not expect that there would be those who would spit in my face (so to speak) and walk away from me, or even appear to be angry at me. I realized then that these people who I thought were friends, had a different motive and that bombshell had curbed it hardcore. I even got texts from people who seemed to be taking a hiatus from talking to me! My little experiment started to show me the true colors of people I was hanging around with.

It sucks and it hurts having to now wonder why people are befriending me from now on. Is it because they actually want to know me? Or are they trying to know me enough so I will have sex with them? Maybe I do need to take sex off the table for a while and see what happens.