Old Mementos

So, I've been cleaning my room today and found a box. I forgot about this box these past few days/week (however long it's been). I found it sitting in my cabinet for safe keeping. I wasn't sure what was in it though, like I said, it has been a while. So I opened it up and what do I see? Gifts. Not for me though. In this box were gifts I had bought for my now ex-Master. My heart clenched as I went through these things. A ring I had picked out, with elephants adorning the face, was the first thing I pulled out. Why elephants? They're good luck, they signify wisdom, and it's said they never forget. He had been good luck in my life, he was the wisdom in my ear, and he never forgot the bad and the good. It's an old, vintage ring too, with some rough spots. But I had picked it because we had experienced some rough spots in our relationship. Then, I picked out the custom paintings I had done for him. Completely drawn and painted for him, by me, with him in my thoughts as I did them. Also, there were more drawings I had made for him. He loved that I would draw for him, so I made him more drawings. There were also some other small things I had picked out for him. I had planned to give him all these things when I moved out to California.

It's hard looking at this stuff. I have no idea what to do with it anymore. I'm torn as what to do with all of this. I could throw it out or I could just keep it all. I don't know what to do. I'm so torn. I've been doing my best to keep my head up and move on with my life, but given everything that happened, it's so hard for me. The ending has made me doubt myself more than I have ever doubted myself before. I'm not sure if I should trust someone to get that close again. or maybe I should open myself completely more often. I don't know. I'm just still so ...blah right now.

There were so many things wrong with the relationship, I do see that now. But it was all placed as my fault. I guess that's the problem. I was left to think that ALL the problems were just my fault, there was very very little talk about the problems the other 2 brought into the relationship. That's the reason I need to stop people talking me into things lol. Oh well, lesson learned. Time to get moving on.