Exhuastion

The last few weeks have been a hard time for me. I have been going through a lot and felt like I lost the two most important people. I don't want to get into it, but I was told that if I wanted to get the chance to make it work with Master, and hopefully one day get a chance to possibly refill the role as his girlfriend, that I had to tell him everything about any past abuse. Let me start off by saying that this topic is one I try to avoid at all cost. I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and there are those who have seen how much of a bitch I can be, but I don't delve into this topic because it makes it hard to keep up with my bubbley exterior that so many people seem to prefer.

So, for about 2 hours I poured everything out that had every happened to me from 14 until 24. It felt great to finally tell someone all of this. I had bottled it all up inside, pushed people away when they pried. He did something different though, instead of coaxing me and pleading, he just told me to tell him everything, or else. And I rambled for the whole 2 hours. I was surprised that I had held the tears until the end, and I bawled all night. My body was aching, my chest was burning, my head was pounding. I had two anxiety attacks while trying to tell him my history, and he never once judged me. I had finally told someone everything that happened. Someone finally hear what my ex-husband had did to me, what I had gone through by myself all these years.

It hurt though, to tell my story. Because we're miles apart. I had to bare my soul, tell the whole story, and then just cry by myself while he was on the other side, typing away to me. The hardest part about opening up like this was I was afraid of the judgement. I had just told this man my deepest, darkest secrets that no one knew. With all the bad that has recently been happening, I was so glad to be telling him every thing. No matter what, he really is my best friend. I know that I am a pain in the ass, ask my family and they will tell you. I know that my bad side is ugly and almost relationship-damaging, but it's not who I am. I was dealt a bad hand through the years.

My past may be something bad, but it is mine to deal with. It has made me learn many things. I probably have a long way to go before I get through my insecurities and all my demons, but I'm glad I have someone willing to be there for me. Even if we're not where we once were, I couldn't stand not having him in my life right now.

So, Drake, if you're reading this I want you to know how much you mean to me. I have never felt more safe with anybody, never thought of a real future with anybody but you. I hope that I can keep working toward getting your trust again and maybe, just maybe, we can go on with the plans we once talked about.