So, when I woke up, instead of letting my little out and greet her Daddy for the morning, I decided to let out the submissive in me. That part of me has been hiding for a few days, afraid to come out, afraid to have any sexual contact with the man we call Master. There was a big fight (my complete fault for it starting) so we have been on odd terms. The little has been out for the past few days and trying to win back her Daddy's heart. Is it working? Well I'm not sure. She gets responses here and there - though that could be because he's busy, but he doesn't say. It's hard for me though. I feel like I am separated from these roles that I have. I feel like an outsider in my own body and that these roles are just parts that are taking over. Yes, they are part of who I am, but it's strange for me.
The little is bright, bubbly, and just wants to make her Daddy proud and have him say "I love you" and tuck her in every night. She wants to be the princess and her Daddy to be the shining knight there to keep her safe. But even she is struggling and that's my fault. I feel like I am censoring her. She wants to cry - I tell her not to. She wants to run to her Daddy and beg him to tuck her in - I tell her that he is busy and she can do it herself. She loves Him completely and just wants to be near him all the time and make him happy. Yet, I am the one who is so scared that I pull her away. I am the one saying "Don't worry. Don't be sad if he doesn't reply back. Don't be sad if he doesn't say goodnight". And I can feel the big sad eyes of this little child inside me growing and looking at me with anger as if she's saying "Why wouldn't he answer me back? He's my Daddy and he loves me!" I wish I could be more like this little girl. I'm so afraid to love someone completely and let them see me but she doesn't. She runs through her day and as soon as Daddy is home, anything that went wrong is all gone with a simple hug and a kiss to the forehead.
Then there is Inu. Inu is the pup in me. She is excitable, loving, hyper, and a major all of fluff. Her days always consisted of being fed, taken for walks, played around with, and petted until she fell asleep. Then I opened my big mouth and took that away from her. I have essentially kenneled the part of me that keeps me going day to day. It is her excitement of seeing her Owner and getting to play and go out for walks with Him that was the reason I would get up in the morning and do what I needed to during the day. Now, it feels like I have locked Inu away in a cage and she has been pawing and crying to get out. But I felt the need to ignore her. It felt wrong to let her out because I wasn't sure where Master and I stood. So, she is still locked up and cries every time I think of him. And my heart breaks each time. But I still don't let her out. When things are better, she will get to come out.
The submissive is the last part. She is the one I decided to let out for a while today, just to see how things would go. It has only been a few days since the argument, yet it feels like it has been months. My sub-mind can't seem to get back into the swing of things either. I know that I know all the rituals and things to make Master happy, but I am doubtful of if I can do them. I have been wanting Master for days, but knew I had no right to even request time alone with him. I felt I had no right to be sexually released, so I have bottled it all away. It hurts every time I bottle more away. It makes me afraid that the next time I get to play (whenever that may be), it will be so intense I will have another sub-drop and another argument will ensue - this time, there is no more getting Master back. So I hold it in, and use that energy else where. Nights are the worst time though because it has always been our time to talk and relax from the day's events.
Now? Well, I let the little run around and see if she can use the energy. But it's the 'nilla side of me that pulls that energy back and tells her to calm down. To leave her Daddy alone and let him finish his work. I am letting the submissive out for the day to see what happens. So far, He has responded well to the little being out, but I'm not sure about what will happen. Maybe I'll be able to let Inu out to see her Owner, but I don't know. She is so ready to see him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready if He decides to ignore her. Only time will tell.
This time, though, I have to be completely perfect.
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