I realized something today....

I want to play with fears and roles and identity and worth and and a million other psychological aspects of myself. I want to feel secure in that no matter what surprising, frightening, vulnerable, ugly or scarred aspects of me are discovered, that I will still be valued, wanted and loved. I want to feel free to surrender. I don't want to be forced to surrender. I don't want to be shunned aside as a "drama queen". And that terrifies me. You have no idea how much that terrifies me. Surrendering? Giving up control?? Relying on someone else?!? When everything in my life has taught me that others desert me? When life has SHOWN me that others will leave when I open the curtain into the dark hole of my mind? It fucking terrifies me, and I'm ok with that.