2012 in Review

This is something I usually post on the 31st, but considering recent events in my life I have decided to say to hell with it and post it now. For the past few years, I've done these but never had a place to post them. Now that I have my blog, I figured it would be a good place for it. This has taken me the better part of the month to sit down and write all of this out. This is my 2012 in review.

10 greatest things that happened in the past year:
1. I got to visit Washington DC and visit ALL the Smithsonian Museums (a dream of mine)
2. I lost 80 pounds
3. I opened up about abuse I had never talked about before
4. I learned that I don't have to give up who I am to appease others.
5. I met a new group of wonderful people who are slowly becoming some of my greatest friends
6. I got to go to Maryland to see my best friend and his wife
7. I started to write short stories again
8.  My body is more toned than it was last year.
9. I reconciled with some of my family
10. I got in touch with old friends that I dearly missed.

I am most proud of these three accomplishments from past year:
1. I started to eat healthier and work out more.
2. My drawing ability has improved with the constant practice
3. I have become more fashionable (trust me, this is a big accomplishment compared to previous years)

Three great lessons I've learned from last year are:
1. You don't need to keep people out with a wall, letting them see who you really are is the best thing to do. 
2. If your gut says something is wrong, don't ignore it
3. Don't let people's negativity affect you. Smile and let it bounce off of you.

Three personal developments I have made in the past year are:
1. I have taken over as "head of household" for my family.
2. I have come to terms with who I actually am and what I actually like
3. I cut back a LOT on the amount of alcohol I consumed.

If I could do things again last year, I would do these three things differently: 
1. I would have been open more about things that were going on and how I was feeling
2. I would have made sure that family members were actually going to doctors' appointments like they were supposed to.
3. I would have listened to my gut more often and spoke up about things that didn’t feel right.

Three things I need to do less of in the next year are: 
1. Worry about what negative things people have to say about me
2. Blow off my friends. I should be trying to see them more often
3. I need to drink less liquor.

Three things I need to do more of in the next year are:
1. Visit and hang out with my friends
2. Get out and explore the city
3. I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

Three things I need to stop completely doing in the next year are: 
1. Ignoring my gut.
2. I need to stop doubting myself and my skills.
3. I need to stop putting myself down

Three reasons I didn't achieve my goals from this past year are: 
1. I allowed others to talk me out of achieving them
2. I thought I couldn't do them
3. I was scared that if I achieved them, I would have nothing else.

Three goals I want to achieve this next year are:
1. Finish writing my book
2. Finish my divorce! :D
3. Start Graduate School and find a job.

Three reasons why I want to achieve these goals are: 
1. I have been working on my book on and off for the last two years, it's time I get serious.
2. It’s been over a year and it's time that it's done so I can completely move on in life.
3. I have been putting it off and know that I should get my Master's degree so I can get better job opportunities.

Smartest decision I made last year: 
The smartest decision I made was NOT moving to California. Every time planning starts, life has a way of throwing something big at me to keep me in Chicago. I’m glad I stayed because I got to help my Dad take care of my sister and be there for my sister during her last moments on earth.

Biggest risk I took last year: 
The biggest risk I took was going to DC to spend time with a guy I knew from online. It could have been the worst mistake of my life, but for the time I was with him - it was the best I had felt.

One sentence that sums up this past year:
A roller coaster like no other and I'd do it all again.

One year from right now, I want to my ideal day to look like this: 
Me coming home from work to a completely finished house, whipping up dinner for my family, and relaxing while eating dinner together. Perhaps even preparing for my significant other to come over after work/school and hang out for a while.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Compared to last year I am much, much happier; MUCH thinner; and poorer financially.

Did you fall in love in 2012? Are you still in love? 
I did fall in love this past year. And while it lasted, it was wonderful. Things never seem to go how we think they will. There were too many problems and both of us contributed to the growing number of problems. I am not in love with this person anymore, they will have a special place in my heart – but that’s it.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
For my 24th birthday, I was actually in Washington DC (for the first time) and it was the first time I celebrated my birthday in almost 10 years.

What kept you sane? 
Sane? Who said I was sane in the first place? It was realizing that no matter what happened, I would wake up the next morning and have the strength to get through and survive the day.

Who was the best new person you met?
This is a really hard question. There are a few very wonderful people I met this year that have made my life better and more fulfilling. I've met so many new people in 2012 that it really is hard to say who was the best to meet. There's my fetlife friends that I got to meet and they are all so wonderful and I feel blessed to know them. Then there are blogging friends I've met since I started this whole thing - and the emails I've gotten from this are awesome.

What was your favorite film of this year?
AVENGERS! :D Mmm…Captain America…-drools- It's either that or Ice Age: Continental Drift

What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to get a job this year. People keep telling me it’s ok and that everyone is going through this but I feel like the biggest failure. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough or I’m doing it wrong.

Where did most of your money go? 
Student loans and credit card payments -le sigh-

What was your favorite TV program? 
Once Upon a Time, Walking Dead, and Grimm.

A Funeral & Movie Night

I really need to get better at posting. I really haven't wanted to be online though. Lately, I've been just texting and skyping with very close friends. I needed the pull away from the internet. My last post was about my sister passing. We had the viewing and burial on the same day. My father couldn't take having to wait. I don't think the family could either. A lot of people surprisingly showed up. I saw family there I hadn't seen since my grandmother passed away 10 years ago. So it had been a whole decade and here are these people, trying to hug me and ask how everyone is. I kept myself together most of the day. I smiled and made small talk. I was there to hold people's hand and walk with them to see my sister because they couldn't do it by themselves. I also had the pleasure of taking my 5 year old niece and explaining why we were there and what was going to happen. I was prepared for this, I had my story about heaven and was ready to tell her until she put her hand on my arm and straight out went, "She's in heaven, with Capone and Benji right? She has her legs and she's taking them on walks." Capone and Benji are two of our dogs that died within the past year and my sister had lost both of her legs a few years ago. At 5, she had that pure understanding. All I could do was nod as this little girl grabbed a tissue and wiped MY tears. I had been holding it all in. She took MY hand and led me to my sister. She got on that little bench, placed her hand on my sister's and said "You take care of them and they'll take care of you. No more pain." I walked away, made an excuse, grabbed my baby nephew and walked out to the couches.  I got my composure back after that. I held myself together all through most of the burial too. I knew I had to be strong for my niece and my dad. I was fine. I kept telling myself I would be fine! And I was, until I stepped back and looked down. We were burying my sister at my mom's feet and something lost it. I knelt down and just cleaned my mom's headstone as much as I could. I ignored everyone else and just whispered to her. I used to visit her all the time, but things came up and I stopped going. Seeing that someone was bringing her fresh flowers stung at my heart. It was the worst feeling in the world. Other people had made time, but I couldn't. But I pulled myself together and put on a smile for all to see.

Not much else happened. The Saturday after was movie night. I had debated cancelling but knew I would need this. So, Saturday came, I was up at 6am. My friends were graduating at my alum, so I made my way over and clapped and cheered as they crossed the stage. I wish I had been able to stay longer, but I made my way over to the train and onto my pack mate's house. I should say that I was wearing high heel boots, they're comfy though, but still high heeled. So we get to the end of the train and we're trying to find our way. We arrived 30 minutes EARLY and were an HOUR late to the house lol. My feet were killing me. We kept getting sent in different directions, and then we got followed. It was also raining the whole time. Movie night was SO much fun. We got there and helped cooked the meal. It was nice to get there before it got crowded because it gave me a chance to get to know the hostess and some of the people there and keep my mind from overworking. I think the amount of wine I had also helped. I met some great people there that I hope to see again. It wasn't until later that the person I was most excited to see actually showed up. This man makes me smile so much. It was an exciting night, to say the least. Once the movies were over, there was just downtime and people talking. I got coaxed into a semi-pup state and was gnawing on someone's hand for a bit while someone else petted my head. Scritches are very nice when you're wound up lol. I felt very playful and affectionate by the end of the night. By about 1am, we said our goodbyes, and my ride and I were on our way home. I won't go into details, but a sleepover was had and I spent most of Sunday in the company of a handsome, witty, and awesome gentleman. It was very much needed.

So yea, that's about all that's happened. I plan on doing some holiday and new year related posts soon. :)

Making Last Memories

In a few hours, I will be seeing my sister for the last time. It will be the last memory I have of her before we bury her. As much as we fought, she is my sister. It's going to be hard because she passed hours before the 6 year anniversary of my mother's passing. This was all so sudden but thankfully I have friends who were there for me when family wasn't. When my family pushed me aside to check on everyone else, it was MY chosen family that came to me. When my family lectured me about my new responsibilities and how I have to "Woman-up", it was MY chosen family that held me, even if it was through texts and messages. I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life right now. 

My Daddy has been so wonderful through this all, constantly checking up on me and seeing if there is anything he can do, if I want to talk, etc. He doesn't ask how any one else is doing, and I am thankful for that. I know it sounds harsh but everyone else is concerned about them, I need people to be there for just me. Then there is the wonderful Mr. Otter. He is so new in my life and yet, he's constantly making me smile and laugh during this rough time.  I was so tempted to break down  and call my ex. He had been my rock for so long and I just wanted that familiar feeling of safety; thankfully, these two wonderful men stepped up and helped me be strong. 

_________________________________________________________

Sometimes we smile through the pain

Sometimes we smile through all the hurt

Sometimes we laugh through the rough times

Sometimes we laugh through the stormy clouds

It feels like I should block it all away

Bottle it up and release it later

But that comes at a price I’m not willing to pay

So I will let it out

I will shout and scream

It feels like I should run away from it all

Pack my things and disappear

But I don’t want to leave again

So I will stay this time

I will work it out in my own way.

-Written by Inu

Blessings in Disguise

I really thought I was through with the whole lifestyle. I was at a point where I wasn't sure I wanted to go back into it. I wasn't sure I wanted the kind of thing I had before - I didn't want to submit to someone. But that changed with a few messages and a spur of the moment meeting. I mentioned in my last update that I would go into more of what has been happening with me in redefining who I am and what I want.

First off, I have scratched finding what I thought I wanted - Daddy Dom. I did want it, it seemed so right for me; now I have it. One of my best friends stepped up and filled that role without even trying. It has been so wonderful to have no pressure of being sexual and no pressure of wondering if he thinks I'm weird for acting how I am. I can be his little princess and show him how much he means to me. It's more than that though. He's my protector, my go-to when I am  unsure. I have never felt comfortable talking to close friends about sex. Usually, they get all wound up and say some of the things I might do are slutty. He's different, he listens and doesn't judge me. I can show him a pictures of markings I got from a play session and he's telling me good job for taking it like a champ! This is the man who punched all the walls down and forced me to look at the mess and realize I couldn't just build the castle back up, I needed to recycle and let the land breathe and grow.

Then there is the sweetest girl around, who I've become so close to. She is such a sweetheart and makes me laugh all the time. I'm so used to closing off to new people and regarding them with suspicion, always wondering what their motive for talking to me is. This was different. I messaged her a few months back and we have been talking non-stop since. She really has become so close I consider her a pack mate. Without even realizing it, I had become so protective of her and wanting to take her under my wing so she could explore all the things she wants to. I also feel willing to open up to her. Any question she asks, I don't feel the need to sit and think if I what I should tell her, I just say it.

There is one more. It all started with randomly finding a picture and liking it, to a random message that never stopped. We talked and on a day of privacy, I met. I get the whole "you should meet in public for the first time" and the "be careful, you never know who the person actually is", but I'm fucking sick of it. I lived that way for so long that I was tired of it. I guess I'm naive enough still to believe that because I've had luck before in finding non-serial killers, that I would be good this time. But ya know what, I'm still alive, I'm still here. Mr. Devil (his nickname from me) is a gentleman and took things are slow as I wanted. It was really fun the first time we had a play session. It wasn't so much a scene as it was just pure, desirable, primal...sex. And it was. A. Fucking. Mazing! He may slowly bring out the old masochist in me ;p We had another play session the other day, and again - it was just amazing. It was more of us hanging out

That's really it for now. I'll be working on new stories and poems. I just need some more inspiration :)

I wonder why I ask lol

I've gotten into this habit (I guess you could call it that) of asking someone for a topic to write about for the day. So, I go to a random media outlet I’m a part of and ask what I should write about. I haven’t been keeping up with that, but I something told me to ask. I asked, and I received topics. I always pick the first topic that is given to me; sometimes it’s a really good topic, sometimes it’s horrid. And sometimes it is just hard because somehow, some random person has picked a topic that hits close to home or is something I don’t like talking about. Today, I got one of these. 

I usually post these on a very private blog, but I've had friends who were curious about this. They wondered where some scars came from and I told them. They requested I post this up as part of my new, "I'll be completely honest about everything" attitude. So there it is. 

So the topic/question of the day is:

Have you ever cut yourself purposely? If so, what do you think made you do it, why did you keep doing it, and where are your scars? Also, if you don't do it anymore, how hard was it for you to stop?

Short answer: Yes and because it was addicting.

I started cutting in 7^th grade; I started young. I was a very quiet kid. I always seemed happy to most people but I was miserable. I was that awkward kid, who wore glasses, was taller than everyone, was chubby, had developed before everyone, and was usually teacher’s pet. Not many people liked me and the friends I did have were a tad cruel; but hey, they were MY friends right! Earlier that year, my grandmother had moved in with my family and things had changed for us.  I didn't start cutting purposely. It was not my intention to cut any part of my body. At that age, I had a thing for fire and knives (I still do). So I was out in our yard playing with one of my collectible knives, it wasn't sharp at all. I don’t even remember what I was doing with it but I remember just feeling overwhelmed and angry, so I closed my eyes and I pulled it back, and then slammed the knife down. I heard a little thunk and knew it hit something. I wasn't until I opened my eyes that I realized I slammed it into my leg. I didn't break skin or anything; it just hurt like a bitch. But, it felt good. I was so worried though, what if someone had seen me? What if I had broken skin and I would have to explain it to my mom?! It wasn't until the middle/end of that year that I started doing it on purpose. I used what I could. It was my escape. They were always small; I made them look like I hurt myself by being klutzy – that was my excuse for all the cuts and bruises. I did this all the way until I graduated high school. Only a few people knew. Only one or two people actually saw the scars. 

My scars are all over my legs and arms. I did them in places people wouldn't pay attention to. I covered up a lot in high school. I always had baggy clothes and wore pants. When I joined soccer and had to wear shorts, I moved from my thigh to my shin, where they would be hidden by shin guards and socks. I tried to stop at the end of high school but it was hard. I gave in a few times. I was more scratching at myself harder than usual to stop it. Instead of cutting, I was clawing myself. I have some faint scars behind my ear and around my body from how often I did it. 

  I did it because it was my release. It was my way of reaffirming that things would be OK  No matter how many times you cut yourself, you could see the scars heal and realize that things eventually heal themselves up. That was my mindset during that time. I kept doing it because I wanted the adrenaline. It gave me energy; it made me able to continue the day. No one knew the reason for my energy; they assumed it was just me being me. It was like an addiction for me, one that I sometimes have problems with.  I stopped completely over a year ago, once I had left my husband. I've learned other ways to deal with problems. I get the urge once in a while. It's usually when I am so overwhelmed and have exhausted every option to deal with it. But so far, it's been about a year and not once have I given in.


Do you have a question you're curious about and want me to answer? Email me at inutehpup@gmail.com

First email will become the topic for tomorrow! 

It's the Way

It's the way your hand slides in my hair
The feeling of your fingers curling around and giving me a tug

It's the way your lips press to mine
The feeling of your tongue as it invades my mouth

It's the way you throw me onto the bed
The feeling that I am your prey

It's the way your arms slide around me
The feeling of your body pinning me to the bed

It's the way I am screaming and thrashing about
The feeling that spreads all over

It's the way that feeling deep inside has come unleashed
The feeling of being alive as your teeth sink into my flesh

It's the way your lips press to my forehead
The feeling of warmth spreading over as you whisper "Good girl"

Quick Update

I <3 the Avengers, especially Captain America!

I want to quickly thank everyone that has checked out my blog. I actually never thought that I would see this blog get close to 400+ views. It was my intention when starting that this be a place where I could come talk about my journey through submission and being a pet. It turned into a place where I could come and express myself. I no longer was restricted to exclusively BDSM, but to life. I'm doing so much better than I have in the past few months. I know I said it before, but it's true this time. I am meeting wonderful people because of Fetlife and they are just a joy to talk to. I have found someone that I do consider to be a pack mate and she means a lot to me (more on that later). Also, I have decided that I no longer will be looking for a Daddy-Dom. That role has been filled. 

I will also be posting up some more stories and poems. I had put a stop to that because I couldn't handle it nor did I have the muse to write. That's changed and I think I have some really cool things to share with everyone. 

Be My Sweet Addiction - a Poem

Be my sweet addiction
Let me have just one more taste
Take my mind, make it yours

Be my sweet addiction
I just need one more hit.
Use my body, brand it yours

Be my sweet addiction
Never let me go.

I don't know...

As you can tell, I took a small break from posting here. I had a lot of things I needed to address and I needed to catch up on some writing and other projects I had been putting off. I've also been trying to keep some distance from the internet, just because I know I will get the temptation to peak in on my old Master and see how is he doing. Instead, I've gotten back into writing letters to friends and working on my Photoshop skills. I've been living in my own little bubble lately and have felt awesome! I've started to reconnect with friends that I ignored while in a relationship and tried to repair a few that fell to shambles because I shunted them to the side and took my ex's side in an argument between the two. Looking back, it was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.

I've also been trying to clear my head. I really needed this time to step back and think about what I was doing with my life. Things still aren't anywhere near where I would like it to be, but they're moving along. I've  also been thinking about things that have to do with the lifestyle. What is it that I am looking for in a Dominant? What kind of relationship do I really want? What things do I need or want to be happy?

These keep running through my mind and it is taking me a while to come up with answers. Usually not knowing the answers would make me nervous. This time around, I don't want to know the answers yet. I want to really explore. I'm tired of doing thing the "right" way instead of MY WAY. This isn't Wonderland, there is no Queen of Hearts around threatening to off my head.

On the other hand, I get moments where I feel lonely and wonder if it would have been better to just cave in and change to how my ex wanted me. I wonder if it would have been better to push through with what I was dealing with and just ignore how miserable and isolated I was feeling. I still get times where I miss him and wonder if he even misses me. I mean, he moved on quickly, and that stings so much. It makes me wonder what I actually meant to have been forgotten so quickly.

I realized something today....

I want to play with fears and roles and identity and worth and and a million other psychological aspects of myself. I want to feel secure in that no matter what surprising, frightening, vulnerable, ugly or scarred aspects of me are discovered, that I will still be valued, wanted and loved. I want to feel free to surrender. I don't want to be forced to surrender. I don't want to be shunned aside as a "drama queen". And that terrifies me. You have no idea how much that terrifies me. Surrendering? Giving up control?? Relying on someone else?!? When everything in my life has taught me that others desert me? When life has SHOWN me that others will leave when I open the curtain into the dark hole of my mind? It fucking terrifies me, and I'm ok with that.

An Owners Manual and an Application...

As you can probably see, I have a new page up: Inu's Owner Manual.  What is the purpose of this manual you may be thinking. Well, it is for people to get to know me better. As I learn more about myself, what turns me on and off, I will update it. It's like a cheat sheet for those who are thinking of becoming involved with me. I also thought it would be something fun to keep updating. I'm feeling a little bit better right now (even though it's like 3 in the morning). Also, I totally think that everyone should fill this out so I can totally giggle at all responses posted :) 

The next few days, I'm going to be posting more about some things I've alluded to in the past. I know I want to do a post on pet play and what that has meant to me over the years, plus how I deal when I have no one around. Also, I've noticed that some people are interested in hearing more about my little, so I might actually let her out to write a post. I know she has wanted to post some things up, though I've wondered if I should just let her have her own blog space to write on. I really am not sure though. 

You know that moment when you get an Idea?

This is how I'm sort of feeling today. November is NaNoWriMo, so I've already become consumed with putting aside my anthology and concentrating on this. It's day 2 and I'm still like "I don't know what the fuck to do!!!" And to make matters worse, I don't have a voice after using all I had, and then some, on Halloween to scare to bejezzus out of kids and adults alike. :) I didn't realize until Halloween just how scary it can be to hear someone screaming lines from Alice in Wonderland. So my throat is sore and scratchy. Plus, it's about that time of year that I start to retreat so I can deal with things. 

It's interesting to me to realize that this will be the first holiday season that I have to deal with some emotions and past events by myself. I've always had someone there with me for me to cry to and just hold my hand through it all. This year will be the first without it and I'm not sure how it will go. I promise to start writing again on a regular basis. Things just get to hectic and I'm losing motivation to keep working on this. 

Back Home

I feel bad for not posting in a while. I've taken time off to just clear my mind and relax. I get that I don't have a "real job", so I should have all this free time on my hands right? I don't. At home, I'm trying to be as helpful as possible. I do everything that no one else wants to do and then some. My sister has asked me to take charge over my niece when it comes to her medical problems. This means constant monitoring of her to make sure she actually takes her medicine. I get that she's a teen so she should be able to do it by herself, but there are lots of new pills that need to be taken at certain times, I'm just there to make sure she's taking the right ones. Plus, I have to accompany her when she goes to her various doctors (she has her main, then two different specialists she has to see now). I will also be starting my new "job" soon. My niece (another one) is going back to work, so it is me who is going to be taking care of my great-nephew. I don't mind it, I mean, I'll get paid constantly. ^__^ So now, I have a 15 year old and a two month old under my command. Oh dear.

So I took the weekend to go stay with a friend. I haven't seen this friend in over a year, for a variety of reasons. It was a nice weekend. We each had some work to do, but it was nice having someone around while working. We hung out, I met some of his friends, stayed up late, played "Cards Against Humanity" (which I highly recommend lol). AND I got a cuddle buddy for the weekend! :D It was nice to have someone next to me while I fell asleep too. It was nice. It was very much needed.

The only real bad thing that has happened lately is that I haven't had the money to pay my cell phone bill, so it was cut off. I have no money coming in right now, and it's not like I can go to my dad and ask him to spare some. I feel horrible that he's already paying my student loans for me. He shouldn't have to do this. I'm getting really sleepy now lol. I'll probably write more later on, once I've slept and all that jazz.

Times are Changing

It's almost November and all my student loans are looking to get paid again. It is such a frustrating time for me right now. I'm still really getting over my ex and a friendship falling apart. And, of course, my job search still continues. I need something that will hold me over for a while. Even with all the holiday hiring, it seems I still can't catch a break. That's ok though. I know that things will get better for me.

On the bright side, I've finally decided that now is the time for Graduate school. I was reluctant to go because I'd been talked out of it a few times, especially with the hope that I would be moving. The only problem with Grad school is the funding. I'm trying to figure out what body parts and/or organs I have to sell to afford this (just kidding! or am I? >>). But anyway, I really want to continue on with social work. I have my dream of starting my own NPO and I think Grad school will help me. Not necessarily because of the education (I mean, it will help TONS) but because when people see that you have an MSW and a license, they're more likely to take you seriously. I figure if I start school now, I can take advantage of in-state tuition and funding for in-state students to pay for some of this. I'm just scared about the bigger amounts of loans I will probably have. It sucks so much that to further your education, you have to put yourself in so much debt, and there is VEEEERRRRYYY little chance to ever get rid of it, or have it lessened.

Also, I learned interesting things over the past few nights about a few of my exes. It hurt to learn these things but I had to really laugh. As upset as I should be about it, I have to smile and shake it off. I'm glad these relationships didn't work. Well, one I wished did work, but he was smoking way too much for me to handle.

I also learned some bad news about a friend of mine and why he has been in and out of touch. So I'm dealing with that right now. It's weird for me though, he's very interested in kink and asked me to take him on as my own. I'm naturally submissive person, though I have my tendencies to not be lol. I think this will be an interesting development. For as spacey a kid as he is (he's a bit younger than me, but not a real kid), he is so nice. Right now, we're just in talks about what he expects and knows about a D/s relationship. It will be interesting for me to see how this all plays out and what it develops into.

The Sonnet of You - A Poem

I wrote a lot in high school. It was my thing. I was the one a lot of my brother's friends came to for help with writing a poem or paper before their class. It came easily to me in high school. I figured I'd brush out my old poems and type them out.  I promise to get back into writing actual blog posts later on. Haven't been feeling it lately =/ So, for today, I present "The Sonnet of You".
___________________________________

You look at me
From across the dock
You were looking at the sea,
Then suddenly, 

Our eyes lock.
I can’t believe you walked my way
My face turned red and my eyes darted to the ground
I had to hold on because I started to sway
The way you walked made no sound.
You were before me in a blink of an eye
I looked up as you stroked my face
When you pulled me close, I let out a sigh
You pulled a ribbon from our pocket; it was lace
You kissed me as you put the ribbon around my neck
We didn't care if people began to stare.

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee

Found this on fetlife and wanted to share it with everyone else. 

__________________________________________________________

Something to think about....
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee....by Unknown

You may never look at a cup of coffee the same way again....

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.... It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.... Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied..

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

_______________________________________________________

Which do you think you are? 

So very tired

This has been a long week for me. It seems the days have dragged on. One of my nieces has been in the hospital since Sunday. I've spent the last few days overnight with her. I have talked to so many doctors and nurses, it's made my head spin. Let me say this, I don't like hospitals, they scare me. I know most people don't like hospitals, but I REALLY don't like hospitals. Every time I've had to go visit people in a hospital, they died very shortly later. I know it's not me, but it's still in my head. It makes me anxious to be in a hospital for extended time. I've brought things to keep my mind off it, but it still gets to me. I hate seeing my niece in the bed with an IV hooked up to her arm and constantly getting poked and prodded by the nurses. They came in to check up on her and change her bandage, even above the music the nurse put on her her, I cold hear my niece crying. In the room next to hers, there is an infant who will scream his/her little heart out. I haven't heard anyone other than nurses in that room since I've been here, no has anyone walked in or out of that room. I'm just so tired, I went home for a few hours yesterday to shower, sleep, and pack up some things for the night and today.

On the bright side, I have been using this time to get my mind straight and start to think of other things. I've been drawing a lot more and thinking of new things to write about. I found a paper I wrote for my Human Rights class in college and have decided to go over it again, edit and add to it, and then possibly publish it. I've also gotten a few more ideas as to stories I can write about.

 I'm hoping that once my niece is out the hospital and things are a bit more normal again, I'll be able to get out and go to local munches. I'm sick of staying inside and not having anyone to really talk to about kinks and such. Since coming to terms with my submissiveness and inner selves, it's been hard to just be me. I have to be consciously aware to not whimper and whine like a puppy. I also have to be aware to not let my little out and threw her tantrums for being lonely and bored. I know that I need to be patient though. As fun as it would to jump in and just find a random play partner to let it all out, I can't do that. I need to take my time and find someone who I can get to know and trust BEFORE I submit myself and even think of taking a collar.

Right now, I am thankful that I have the friends I do. My friend Joyl has taken me under his wing. I look up to him so much. We've been friends for about 8 years or so, and although we've had a few problems, we're still friends despite anything. He really is my best friend, I'm not afraid to tell him anything or express how I feel, even if it's "dramatic" :) After my ex and I started having problems, it was Joyl who was there telling me to be positive and do what I could to try to fix things. He was there for me when everything went to hell too. As much as people think that this would lead to romantic feelings (and I have been accused of having them), there is no such thing there. He is just my best friend. He's also taken the role of "Daddy" for now. He is my protector and mentor, he and Angel (my "Mama") have taken me as their own and watch over me. I know that I can go to either of them and tell them what's going on and ask for help. Without them, I don't think I would be doing as well as I have been.

Yep, I'm that much of a nerd that I see Joyl, Angel, & I as a family of Eevees  ^__^

Alice & The Demise of Wonderland - A Preview

This is a preview from the first chapter of a current novel I am writing. It is based on Alice in Wonderland, but has my own twist to it. Please enjoy and let me know what you think. 

_____________________________________________________________

Rabbit pushed the large door open to reveal a portal. "Come Alice, and remember, trust us and your instinct. Much has changed since you left. Not everyone will be glad to see you." Cheshire walked toward the door as Rabbit took Alice's hand. "Come, we must hurry! I can only keep it open for so long before the Queen notices." Alice looked at Rabbit and then the portal. She clutched Rabbit's hand as she stepped closer to the portal. Alice felt Cheshire walk along her other side, and all at once, they leaped into the portal and down the hole. Down through the mist they went, Alice looked down and could not see a bottom. "How far is this drop?" she asked, yet neither Rabbit nor Cheshire spoke back. She looked around and noticed that both were no longer by her side. Alice reached out into the air, hoping to grab a hold of anything.

Help! Help! What's going on?! Where are they? Please, oh please don't let me die! Help me! I shouldn't have followed them! Where can they be? Why did I get myself into this again? I should have just stayed in my room! Someone, please help me! This is their fault anyway! When will this end? Will it even end? What if it never ends? I will surely fall until I am dead! They’re the reason I was put away like a crazy monster! This is all their fault! Someone please help me! Why haven’t I stopped falling? Why did they come for me now? They say Wonderland changed what if there is nothing at the bottom this time? What if I just keep falling? Ticking? Where is that coming from? Why is there ticking? Rabbit! No, can't be. He isn't near me. Is he? Rabbit where are you? Rabbit, Help me! I’m over here! I can’t stop falling! Where are they? Where am I!? Why won't the ground come sooner! I'm going to die! I will surely die if I keep falling! I should have just stayed!! Never should have thought to return! Please, oh please wake up Alice!! This is just a dream! I do not want to go through this again! Wake up Alice!! Why can't I wake up? Please! Alice, wake yourself up! If I hit the ground, I will surely die! Wake up! I need to wake up! The queen!!! What if she knows? I will lose my head! I should have stayed at the hospital! I was getting better! I wish I had never been to wonderland! Cheshire! Why did he drag me here? I will kill him for this! I will skin him alive and hang him by his neck for this! No, what am I thinking! Cheshire is my friend!! No, he isn't! This is a trap! They just want me dead! They used Wonderland as a way to trick me! Oh, wait until I see them! Alice, you fool! Stop thinking like this! I must calm down. I need to calm down. Rabbit! Cheshire! Where are you at? When will the falling end? Will it end? I will die in here won’t I? Someone, anyone, please help me. How long have I been falling? It can’t have been long! The hole will surely end. It will be like always; I will land on at the bottom and go through the door! Yes, I am sure of it. There will be a door and a key and I will keep messing up, just like before. I will be safe. What if it doesn’t end? What if I keep falling and falling? What is there is no end? No, there IS an end to this falling! There is an end! I will be back in Wonderland! Glorious Wonderland! How I missed it so. I must go see the garden again! Then I will go see the Hatter and Hare. Maybe this time I will finally have some tea. Wonderland…I knew I wasn’t crazy. It cannot have changed much over the years! But Rabbit…..he said it is not the same. He just wants me to worry over nothing! What if he is right though? He can’t be…he likes to mess with me too much. Oh, him and that stupid watch!! I highly doubt we were late for anything! I will break that watch next time I see it. How can he always be late? I will break his watch or break his neck! Why am I still falling? This is their entire fault! I will break both of their necks for bringing me back here! I hate falling! When will it end? Help me please for I am surely going to die if I keep falling this fast! Dear Lord, I am going to die alone and crazy! Someone Help Me! AHH! Where are these thoughts coming from?! wish they would just STOP!

Alice hit the ground with a loud thud. "Rabbit? Cheshire? Are you there?" she whispered urgently, hoping one of them would hear her. The area was dark; Alice’s eyes took moments to adjust to the dimness. She began to see faint outlines of objects in the room. Out the corner of her eye, Alice was sure something moved. Alice clutched the knife tighter in her hand as she felt something slither around her leg. Alice tried kicking it away, but the thing wrapped itself around her ankle. Alice began to tug at the slimy object wrapped around her leg, the more she tugged, the tighter it constricted around her. "Cheshire!" she screamed out in agony, hoping he could hear her. She continued to struggle as she lost feeling in her leg. Alice almost fell over but steadied herself, “Cheshire please! Help me! Rabbit! Anyone!” Alice remembered she had the knife in her hand and hacked away at the thing wrapped around her leg. A putrid smell entered her nose. She hacked at the thing again and the smell worsened, causing Alice to become faint. Alice took another swing at the thing wrapped around her leg, but it only tightened its grip on her. Alice fell over and felt a slithering sensation around her arm; she screamed out and tried to shake it off, but to no avail. Her arm and leg were immobilized and she was helpless on the floor as she struggled. A small whimpered sounded from her throat and tears streamed down her cheek. “I’m going to die…” she whispered to herself. The thing tightened its grip more, causing Alice to shriek out in pain.

There was a low growl coming from somewhere in the darkness. Alice tried to focus her eyes, tried to see where the growls were coming from and what was making them. There was a soft brush against her back. “Fur…Cheshire?” She thought to herself momentarily before her eyes caught movement. Something was running toward her, Alice tried to move away but the tentacles gripping her only tightened around her arm and leg, causing her to scream louder. She tried to find the outline of the growling animal; instead she heard a loud hiss close to her ear and looked up. “Cheshire! Help me!” Alice screamed up as the cat lunged toward the tentacles. His fans sunk deeply into the closest one and wrapped his claws into it as it tried to fling him around. The smell coming from the punctures only worsened, causing Alice to gag. Taking another chance, Alice thrust the knife as hard as she could into the tentacle wrapped around her leg. She heard a scream as the tentacle finally loosened its grip. Alice pulled the knife out and thrust it in again, pulling the knife and ripping part of the tentacle from the body.

Alice, having her leg freed from the creature, stood and began to hack at the remining part attached to her arm. She screamed and dug the knife in, causing the creature to screech and release her. It unwrapped itself from her and Alice heard the clanking of the knife falling and hitting the floor. There was a loud hiss and another screech from the creature. Alice tried to adjust her eyes again, trying to see what had hold of her previously. The room got eerily quiet, the hissing and screeching had stopped. The smell from the creature’s blood had ceased to fill the room. Alice turned slowly in her spot, afraid of moving anywhere else. “The Knife…where did it go” she wondered, lowering herself slowly to the floor. “Cheshire, are you still there? Please answer me. Cheshire. Please” Her voice cracked as her hands swept across the floor, trying to find the knife once more. Out the corner of her eye, Alice saw the glint of the metal and lunged for it; her hand wrapped tightly around the handle of the knife and clutched it close to her body. She scanned the room again, hoping to be bale to make out any figures.

She jumped to her feet, clutching the knife in one hand, the other stretched out in front of her, trying to feel for a surface. The light in the room seemed to have grown brighter. The light was coming from the cracks in a door. She walked toward the door, her feet shuffling across the floor, eyes fixed upon the location of the door. When she got close to the door, the light disappeared. Alice stood there, her arm still outstretched. The light seemed to reappear ever so slightly, getting brighter and brighter until...

POP!!!

Time to follow my dreams

These past few months seem like a blur to me. I had plans that got put to a stop faster than I thought they would. Good, great, bad, and horrible things have happened over the last few months. I realized something though. I’m glad it’s all over. I gave up who I was. I gave up my dreams because I was told they were silly, or that they were not going to lead to anything. I got convinced that what I wanted to do would lead to nothing and I needed to stop being picky about a job and take what I could get. Why though? Why should anyone settle for something that doesn’t make them happy? I get social work is hard to get into right now without certain things (like a car lol). But who cares? I had a HUGE damn dream that I let someone get me to believe it was nothing important! I let someone lead me to believe that my business, which I worked hard on, should be nothing more than a hobby! Why? Because online sales sucked? Forget that! I made the cost of my supplies PLUS lots of profit back already! My business was doing well while I was devoted to it.

I was ready to give up everything to start new, which is fine for me. But I should have never given up on my dreams. I let someone actually talk me out of applying to get my Masters of Social Work because they felt it was useless for me. You know what; I plan on applying for my Master’s degree! I had a dream when I was in Kenosha, I had an idea of what I wanted to do. When I started school again and talked to more people, I really knew what I wanted to do. Over the past few months, despite someone telling me not to think about it, I started with an idea. Anyone who knows me knows that I have wanted to work in animal assisted Social Work; it’s been a passion of mine since before I left Kenosha. Anyone who knows me also knows that military social work has also always been on my mind. I am not letting one talk me out of doing what I want to do.

 I could never tell that someone the real reasons I wanted to pursue social work. I LOVE IT! Yes, it doesn’t pay well. Yes, there are lots of risks and stresses associated with it. Yes, there are dangers. But everything has dangers associated with it! I warn everyone that I dream big, sometimes these dreams are weird and people don’t think they’re possible. But you know what? WHO CARES! They’re my dreams for life. If you’re a part of my life and you supposedly “love” me, you would support me and tell me to go for them. Be there for me when I fail so bad that I have nowhere else to go but down. But don’t you dare try to pull me away from my dreams and tell me they’re nothing but silly, unimportant, or that my dreams will go nowhere. That’s essentially you telling me I am going nowhere.

I’m tired of not telling people what my dreams are; I’m tired of telling them and being told they will go nowhere.  One of my dreams is to start my own NPO (non profit org).  I want to open my own bookstore and bakery. I want to write stories. I want to get something published! I want to expand my business and make it more successful. I always wanted to be a photographer. I dream of finding someone who wants to make a comic book with me, even if we never give it out!

I'm going to follow my dreams from now on. If you want to tell me they're silly, the door is right over there. I suggest you get your shit and get out my life. I'm sick of people telling me what I can't do. I'm going to work toward my dreams. I will accomplish them, or I will fall trying. And you know what? If I fall, at least I can look back, smile wide, and know that I tried my best to do what I DREAMED TO DO! I refuse to play it safe anymore! Why play it safe? Life is far too precious to have regrets :) 

A Pup's Tale

Inu sat, opened her eyes, and let out a soft yawn. The sun starting to set but was shinning down on her skin. The warmth made her not want to move but she could no longer wait, her stomach was rumbling and it was not stopping. Getting onto all four, Inu stretched as much as she could and wagged her tail. Her Owner was still asleep. He was under the covers and mumbling in his sleep. Inu never understood what He mumbled, but it made her happy to hear His voice. This was the man who had found her when she was scared and alone. The human that was before her was the one that took her in, cleaned her up and fed her. Inu was forever grateful for what this human did for her. She crawled over her Owner, straddling his lap momentarily before making her way to the floor. She looked back up and murred softly, He was still asleep and didn't seem like he would wake any time soon. It made Inu happy to see Him sleep so soundly.  She stretched her arms up high and then rubbed her knees. She knew the rules for the day; she wasn’t allowed out onto her feet. It was on her knees and hands all day.

Inu made her way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, her stomach was growling more. She looked around the kitchen and whimpered softly as she approached the empty dish bowels. Pawing at the dishes, Inu looked around the room again; there was no way she would be able to reach her food.  He had always kept it in the cabinets above the counter. Inu stood on her knees and tried to lift herself up, but to no avail. She whined again at the thought that she would have to wake up her Owner. As much as she loved being His puppy, this was the part she hated most. She didn’t like not being able to get to the things she needed, but it was always worth it.

Inu decided that she would try to try to wait on disturbing His sleep. She made her way into the living room and looked around. As her eyes locked onto the pile of toys in corner, Inu’s hips and tail began to swing side to side.  Owner had been so good to her when He brought her home. With all that He had given her, Inu understood that she was a spoiled puppy. She made her way over to the pile of studded animalsand jumped on all of them. She murred happily and she curled herself into the center of the pile, grabbing each one and tossing them around the room. Finally, she reached her favorite toy. Slowly, Inu pulled out her white tiger and murred happily. Crawling her way over to the couch, Inu pulled her body up and sprawled out. She sighed in relief; her knees would have a break from the rough floor and carpet. Inu set down her tiger and began to paw at him. This was the first thing her Owner had given her, so Inu took care when she played with the tiger. After a few minutes of gnawing on its face and ears, Inu's stomach let out another growl.

Reluctantly, Inu made her way back to the room and tried to jump her way back onto the bed. She growled softly as she fell back down to the floor. She walked back and pushed her body against the floor; she waited and kept her eye on the edge of the bed. Taking a running start, Inu jumped onto the bed and pulled herself up. She let out a soft bark and wagged her tail quickly. Her Owner was still asleep and Inu murred softly. He was on His back and Inu took her chance and crawl onto His chest. She laid across his body, her legs on either side of him, pinning him to the bed. Inu smiled up at her Owner and she got comfortable, adjusting as she needed to. Nudging his face softly, Inu nipped at his ear. She knew she wasn’t allowed to bite him in anyway, but this was her way of getting around it. He never remembered if he did it while he was asleep. Glancing at his face to make sure he was asleep, Inu sat up and looked at him. She loved this man so much, despite all their problems. He still didn’t move and it made her giggle. Resting her chin back onto his His chest, Inu stared up at Him and wagged her tail.

She waited a few moments and when He didn't move, Inu scooted closer. Her tail wagged quicker as she looked up at him. As her hips moved, she could feel Him stirring underneath.  Letting out a soft whimper, she put her hands on his chest and sat up. Inu let out a single loud bark. His eyes quickly opened and stared up at her. Inu's tail wagged faster as He smiled up at her. This was her Owner and she was His puppy. Inu stayed sitting on him and pawed at His chest. His smile melted her heart. Inu leaned down and started licking at his face. “Good morning to you too, Inu” He smiled more as his hand reached up and found the top of her head. Inu murred softly at the sound of His voice saying her name. Inu looked at him and then rolled off of him. She crawled over his body and onto the floor. He took this opportunity to smack her hard on the rear. Inu yelped and looked up at him. He just smirked and swatted her again. Inu ran as fast as she could out the room, despite her knee hurting.

She made her way to the kitchen and started barking, getting louder and louder the longer he took. Inu sat at her bowls and started barking more. It took Him a few moments, but her Owner finally appeared. “Hungry girl? Ready to eat?” He said as a smile spread across his face. Inu's ears perked up and she quieted and sat at her bowls. Her tail wagged slowly as she watched Him reach into the cabinets and pull out her food. Inu licked her lips slowly and watch His smile widen. He shook the box and chuckled as Inu barked at him; she whined softly at the sound and pawed at her empty bowels. “Awww, fine,” the smile on her Owner's face never left as He poured her food into one bowl and picked up the other one. She sat patiently at her bowl and licked her lips again. Inu tried to be patient, but the smell of the peanut butter and chocolate cereal filled her nose. Owner filled her other bowl with water and set it down. She waited and whined softly as her Owner turned and rummaged in the fridge. “You're such a good girl. Go ahead, eat Inu.” Inu murred loudly and dived into her bowl, eating as much as she could. Her hips and tail wagged quickly. Her ears twitched with the sound of a soda top being popped open. Inu finished her food and went to her water bowl. Her tongue lapped at the water quickly. Inu lapped at the water until her belly was stuffed. Her Owner smiled down as he finished his canned drink, Inu knew the smell, Diet Coke.  With her stomach full, Inu made her way back to the bedroom. Owner was right behind her and crawled back into bed. Inu pawed at the sheets hanging from the side of the bed and whimpered softly.

Looking over the bed, Owner smiled down at her and scooted himself toward the wall. Inu took her time to climb up, sighing again as the pressure was taken off her knees. She wished her knee pads would arrive soon, but it didn’t matter at that moment. Owner wrapped and arm around her waist.  Inu turned and licked at His face slowly and curled into His arms. She loved the feeling of being against His warm chest. He laid back onto the bed and pulled Inu on His chest. Inu curled up and rested on His chest, murring as His hands petted at her hair. This is what they had both loved. Although there had been some awkward times trying this out, Inu loved being His puppy. She loved Him being her Owner. Nudging her head to the side, her Owner whispered sweetly into her ear, “My sweet little puppy…” Inu smiled, turning red in the cheeks. She rested her head on His chest, her arms moved to wrap around him as much as they could. “Let’s sleep for a while more, girl,” the words were followed by a big yawn from them both. This was the best way  to start another nap before a fun filled night ahead.

Update

It has been a few days since the last time I sat down and wrote something. I've been working on getting out of the house more. Also, I've been working on my stories a lot. I really want to get back into my passion. I used to write stories ALL the time when I was younger. My dream was to be a writer! But that changed because of a lot of bad influence. I want to get back into it again. I don't care about making money from any of this. I just want to write because I love it. I have about eight stories done (some you can read on this blog). I want to get to at least 15 stories to make my first small collection of stories. My friend Joii (he's so awesome ^_^) gave me the idea to do an adult-themed set of bed time stories. It is very interesting to me and will probably be the next set of stories I will work on.

I actually have three stories I'm working on now. I get distracted easily when writing and seem to get inspiration while writing one story, so I have to stop and write down my idea before I forget it. One story I'm working on is based on dreams I've been having. It's not erotic in any sense that I find. More of me getting a nightmare that my little has down on paper (if you have no idea who my little is...there is a post about this earlier in my blog and I will probably make another post later about her).

Really, that's all I've been up to. I promise to write more once I have more to write about lol

Not Feeling Well

I am so tired right now. I just finished moving two very heavy bookshelves and a very heavy recliner. Not only that, but I feel like throwing up. The breakup is finally hitting my whole system and it's making me sick. It's taken me this long to go through and think of how many promises were actually broken, how many things were promised to be just between the two of us, that he ended up doing with his other pet. It makes me sick when I realize how much he was hiding from me. The only reason I knew was because his pet kept letting it slip out to me. I don't know if they were accidents or if it was meant to hurt me.  For all that I changed, for all that I done, and all that I was doing - part of me wonders what the two said that made it all end. I know I shouldn't think it, I know I should push it out my mind.

Right now, all I really want to do is get into comfy pajamas and curl into someone's arms. But I can't. The closest thing I can get it talking to friends messenger. It's not enough today. I want the comfort of someone talking to me, helping me feel better. All I have are my stuffies. I guess they'll have to do.

Thoughts on Writings

I wrote a few posts back (not sure when really) that I wanted to get back into writing. I've also been posting some short erotica that I have written. Well, I've been thinking a lot over the last few days of what I want to do with these stories. I mean, I don't mind posting them up here for everyone to read. But I've been wondering if I want to take them and start to make my own collection of stories. It has always been a dream of mine to write and publish a book, even if it never becomes popular or well sold. I have about 10 stories right now, and plan on writing more. 

I miss writing and I'm glad that my ex-Master had me start writing again. It's been very therapeutic for me. In addition to my stories, I've been journaling a lot more than usual and keeping up with this blog. I really do think I would be in much worse of a mindset if I didn't have something to keep me busy. I am so glad I decide to write this blog when I was in such a dark place. It has made me keep my mind from going to an angry and bitter state. Instead, I have been keeping my mind set on writing good quality stories.

I have a few more ideas for stories, many do relate to the fetishes/kinks that I personally enjoy. I have a petplay inspired story as well as one that is a Daddy/little themed one. I'm still looking for more ideas, themes, etc as to what to write about. :) I guess the break up was good after all lol. 

Old Mementos

So, I've been cleaning my room today and found a box. I forgot about this box these past few days/week (however long it's been). I found it sitting in my cabinet for safe keeping. I wasn't sure what was in it though, like I said, it has been a while. So I opened it up and what do I see? Gifts. Not for me though. In this box were gifts I had bought for my now ex-Master. My heart clenched as I went through these things. A ring I had picked out, with elephants adorning the face, was the first thing I pulled out. Why elephants? They're good luck, they signify wisdom, and it's said they never forget. He had been good luck in my life, he was the wisdom in my ear, and he never forgot the bad and the good. It's an old, vintage ring too, with some rough spots. But I had picked it because we had experienced some rough spots in our relationship. Then, I picked out the custom paintings I had done for him. Completely drawn and painted for him, by me, with him in my thoughts as I did them. Also, there were more drawings I had made for him. He loved that I would draw for him, so I made him more drawings. There were also some other small things I had picked out for him. I had planned to give him all these things when I moved out to California.

It's hard looking at this stuff. I have no idea what to do with it anymore. I'm torn as what to do with all of this. I could throw it out or I could just keep it all. I don't know what to do. I'm so torn. I've been doing my best to keep my head up and move on with my life, but given everything that happened, it's so hard for me. The ending has made me doubt myself more than I have ever doubted myself before. I'm not sure if I should trust someone to get that close again. or maybe I should open myself completely more often. I don't know. I'm just still so ...blah right now.

There were so many things wrong with the relationship, I do see that now. But it was all placed as my fault. I guess that's the problem. I was left to think that ALL the problems were just my fault, there was very very little talk about the problems the other 2 brought into the relationship. That's the reason I need to stop people talking me into things lol. Oh well, lesson learned. Time to get moving on.

A Rough Morning - A Story

It had been some time since we last saw each other. His eyes are filled with stress that he won’t admit to. I set my bags down near the door and turn to face him. There is that look in his eyes and I am hypnotized by his gaze. He takes a step closer. My mouth goes dry. I have to lick my lips. He takes another step closer. My heart starts to beat faster. This happens every time.  I know the look; I know the tension in the air; I know what is about to happen. He licks his lips and a smirk crawls across his face. I can hear a growl forming in his throat, and I just stand there, watching him slowly get closer. I am captivated by his every move. I want him more than I have ever wanted him. My heart is beating faster as I am transfixed by the man in front of me. He grabs me hard by the hip and yanks me close to him. My knees are weak; I can feel the bulge in his pants pressing hard against my side.

The smirk on his face widens and he leans in, growling loudly into my ear. I push my body into his. My breath quickens and my knees are get weaker. “Mmm, mine. To do what I want, when I want. Understand?” His voice is deep and filled with lust. I can only manage a nod. My eyes have not left his gaze. The familiar ache starts between my legs. My breathing starts to get heavier and my fingers curl around his arms. His hand flew to my throat and growled. “I didn’t hear you. You answer me when I ask you something, got it?” His hand squeezed harder. I tried to take a deep breath, instead just gasping for air. “Y-y-yes Sir, I understand.” He lets go of my throat and chuckles. I take in a deep breath and am instantly thrown on the bed. I briefly close by eyes and take a deep breath, wondering if I have somehow escaped his intentions.

I feel his hand on my hip, giving it a quick squeeze before he pounces on top of me. His face is close to my ear and he growls. The ache between my legs start again. I squeeze my legs shut and whimper. His hand is to my throat again, “I didn’t say close your legs.” He squeezes harder and chuckles as I start to squirm under him.  His other hand moved down my side slowly, grazing across the skin until it hit the top of my skirt. My heart is beating even faster. My body wants to tense up, to crawl and run away. Instead, I stay on the bed, motionless as he scans over my body. His hand moves to my thigh, rubbing it slowly. He squeezes softly and chuckles as I moan out. His hand moves higher; my legs instinctively open wider at his touch.  He squeezes my leg more firmly, moving his hand up my thigh. He is at the hem of my skirt and he smiles. “Mmm, lovely legs…” He isn’t talking to me. He flips the bottom of the skirt  up, exposing my panties. His hand keeps moving higher. My body is tingling. I am squirming on the bed and breathing more deeply. I want him to touch me. I need him to touch me. He knows this, but he keeps his hand where it is. A small whimper leaves my mouth and his hand is back on my throat. I can’t help it. A loud moan escapes my lips. Yes, I need this too! He squeezes tighter as his other hand grazes across my pussy. I moan more, squirming and pushing down, trying to grind my pussy against his hand.

He smirks and tsks, shaking his head. His hand rears back and smacks across my pussy. I can’t help but moan. It stings but my body wants more. I open my legs wider, whimpering and staring up at him, begging with my eyes. “Aww, does my little girl want more?” I hear the amusement in his voice. His hand comes down again, swatting more firmly.  I feel the wetness forming, soaking through my panties with each swat. My body is betraying me, it is showing him how much I need him. He moves his hand from my throat and grabs the small fabric between my legs, pulling it roughly and tearing it from my body. My pussy is exposed beneath my skirt. He sits on the bed, his back to me. I lay there motionless, anxiously awaiting his next move. His hand is back on my thigh and starts the rubbing again. I can’t take the teasing anymore. My body starts to squirm away. I can tell he’s smirking, knowing exactly what he is doing to me. His hand moves up, covering my whole pussy.

The warmth makes me moan louder and he chuckles. I can’t keep my eyes off of him as he stands from the bed and turns to face me. I see the bulge in his pants has gotten bigger. I can’t help it, I’m already on my knees and unbuttoning his pants. I can’t help myself anymore. I pull his pants and boxers off. I lick my lips and sit back on my heel, staring at the treat before me. His eyes are piercing through me and he flexes his whole body. I look up at him and he growls loudly, grabbing me by the shirt and throwing me back onto the bed. Flipping me onto my stomach, his body covers mine. I can’t help myself. I start pushing my rear against him, whimpering for him. His face is near my ear, growling and speaking deeply, “Mmm, my bitch in heat…” his hand grabs my hip. “Does my bitch in heat need to be fucked by her Sir?” I push myself against him and grind, looking up at him and whimper. His hand is moving up my hip and pushing my shirt up and off my body. I shiver from the cold air and am instantly met with warmth. He was on top of me. The weight of him there turned me on even more. He was breathing heavily in my ear and pushing his now hard cock against my pussy. His fingers spread throughout my hair and gripped it hard, yanking my head back. “Answer me. Does my bitch in heat need to be fucked by her Sir” His voice was deeper and resonated throughout my body, causing my pussy to get even more wet. I licked my lips and stared into his eyes, trying to nod and find my voice. “Y-yes Sir” was all that came out.

His hand yanked harder on my hair and he growled into my ear, “Yes Sir what?”
I stared at him momentarily. My face blushed a deep red as I stuttered a response. “Y-yes Sir…I n-need to be fucked by you.” My voice was meek, my body was aching for his touch. “Good girl,” he cooed into my ear. I was his. I could feel him sit up. He kept a hand on my back and pushed my legs apart. “Dirty girl, you’re wetting the bed.” He smirked as I hid my face into the bed. His fingers grazed over the lips of my pussy and forced them open. My body shook with pleasure. Yes! Please! More! I took in a deep breath as his fingers started to move, pushing against my opening and sliding down to my clit. “Dirrrty girl” he repeated as he forced a finger into my pussy. I bit down on the bed and moaned. My body tensed and relaxed, starting to shake from the pleasure. I could feel my pussy clench around his finger as he started to pull it back. I whined and glared back at him. His hand pushed me back down. His other hand came to my mouth and held his wet finger in front of me. “Look. This is how wet you are…” I couldn’t help it, I took his wet finger into his mouth and sucked on his hard. “Good girl”. I kept sucking on his finger, barely noticing him readjusting. “Clean it” he commanded. I kept licking and sucking on his finger, tasting my own wetness. He took the chance and rammed his cock hard and deep into my pussy. I let his finger fall from my mouth and screamed.

His hand was in my hair again, using it to pull me on all fours. He started thrusting hard, pulling himself back until just the tip remained and thrusting back in all the way. I screamed and moaned more. His grip tightened on my hair. I was so wet and getting wetter. He thrust in faster, grinding the head of his cock against my g-spot. My breathing got heavier. I could feel my mind emptying all thoughts that were in it. Words, that I now can’t remember, started coming out of my mouth as well as the moans and sighs I had already been doing. I felt my legs start to twitch. His hand went to my throat and he squeezed again. I gasped for air and pushed my body back, forcing the thrusts to be harder. My screaming became louder. I could feel the warmth spreading over my body again. I looked back. He had that smirk on his face. He tightened his grips even more, using them as leverage to thrust harder into my pussy. I could feel it building more. My pussy started to tighten around his cock. He chuckled and thrust in harder. My fingers curled around the bed sheets, my moans becoming louder and longer.

My body started to shake hard. I could feel his body start to tighten. His hand moved from my throat and hair to my hips. His nails started to dig into my flesh. I moaned more and lowered my chest to the bed. He started to thrust harder and faster, gripping tightly on my hips and using it to pull me back to meet his thrust. I couldn't take any more. I started screaming louder and pulling at the sheets. A deep moan left his lips. My body shook in pleasure. "S-sir! I need to cum please!" He moaned more, pounding my pussy harder. Our breathing got heavier. The air seemed thick to me. My head was spinning. My legs were getting weak. His nails dug into my hips more. I couldn't help it. My body was shaking and I was using all my strength to keep myself up. "Cum!" He growled and shoved in deeper.

My body exploded. I let myself go and squirted hard. My body was shaking. I drenched him, he chuckled and pushed against my g-spot again. I screamed more, squirting out harder this time. "I said cum!" He growled and thrust in harder. I couldn't scream anymore. My mouth hung open, trying to pull in air. My body twitched and I exploded in ecstasy. He roared out and filled me with his cum. The warm liquid oozed out and dripped down my thighs. I feel to the bed, my body exhausted but shaking. He slowly pulled out and moaned as my pussy gripped the head of his cock tightly, causing him to unleash another blast of cum. I moaned softly and breathed heavily. He chuckled and pulled out all the way. Falling down beside me, he pulled me close. My body was still shaking as his arms enclosed me, pushing my head to rest on his chest. I smiled up at him. Leaning down, his kisses my forehead, then my lips slowly. "I love you" was muttered between the two of us as our eyes closed and we drifted off for a much needed nap.

Vacation Together

Josh and Susan had been looking forward to their island vacation from the moment they booked the trip.  It had been a long few months for them; the arguing had finally stopped though and it was just time for them to reconnect. Now, just two days removed from home, they were completely intoxicated by the island's charms. The sun had been hot, the air fragrant, the water warm. Their Saturday morning had consisted of a long walk, a little snorkeling, and catching some rays on the beach. In the afternoon they'd taken a leisurely drive in their rental car, played a round of video games, and soaked in a hot Jacuzzi. And now, at around 6:30 in the evening, they were relaxing in their hotel suite. "You think we should start getting dressed to go out for dinner?" Josh asked. "I'm in no hurry," Susan replied, putting down her drink and starting toward him.

Josh took a sip from his drink as he watched Susan approach. Her skin glowed from the sun, her brown hair shone brightly. Josh enjoyed the view, taking in her luscious breasts, unencumbered by a bra, or even a bikini top, under her white t-shirt. He loved the way her bikini bottom was cut high on her hips, and then drove down into the lovely "V" between her firm thighs. Josh leaned back on the bed and watched her with a smirk.  His eyes looked over her whole body and took her in.

 Susan took his hand, and kissed it, then sucked his middle finger into her mouth. Gently releasing it, she began kissing her way up his arm, mixing in playful little licks. "Hmm, you taste better than chocolate," Susan said. She planted her lips fully on his, and kissed him deeply. Josh returned the kiss, hard, their tongues playing a game of tag. He traced his tongue across her teeth.  Her arms found their way around Josh’s waist and she pressed her chest to his. Susan loved the way Josh kissed her. Actually, she loved everything about him. In her opinion, theirs had been almost a magical relationship from the start. Sure, there was a physical attraction. He was a terrific looking guy, he had the absolute best hazel eyes she'd ever seen.. But it was so much more than that - they had such a wonderful connection. And now, to be away together in this magical place... well, it was a dream come true. Susan really wanted to make it even more fantastic. She pressed herself against Josh more, and felt his already hard cock against her belly. She looked up at him and smiled. She loved she had that effect on him. Josh looked down and smirked.

After a moment, Susan said, "Come on." Reaching into Josh’s trunks, Susan pulled out his rigid cock, and used it like a leash to lead him toward the sliding glass door. "That's a very effective method for getting me to follow you," Josh chuckled, "though I do feel a little like a pet cat. And by the way, where are we going?" "To watch the sunset," Susan replied, a mischievous smile spreading across her face.

"Umm, outside?" Josh said, concerned about getting arrested on an indecent exposure charge. "Don't worry, no one can see into our balcony," she responded. "It's totally private out there. In fact, let's make this easier." And with that, she pulled Joshs's trunks right off. "All right," Josh responded, "private is as private does." Josh smirked and reached toward her, pulling at the strings and snatching away her bottoms.

The two of them, wearing just t-shirts, moved out onto the balcony. The sun was rapidly falling into the blue ocean, a smattering of clouds in the western sky glowing bright red and orange. Susan motioned Josh to take a seat on the lounge chair, which he did, his cock sticking up toward the colorful sky. Then, she nestled herself back against him, rubbing his cock with her bare butt as made herself comfortable. Josh wrapped his arms around her, and they sat for a moment, just enjoying the view. Enjoying the feel of being together, of his arm around her, and she nestled against him. Josh began to kiss Susan's neck, and then traced a line with his tongue up to her ear. He licked around it, finally placing his tongue into the hole. Susan moaned, closed her green eyes, and pushed herself back against him even more, squirming and wiggling against his cock.

Josh snuck his right hand under Susan's shirt, and began to fondle one of her breasts. The nipple was already hard, and he gently rubbed it between his fingers. He dragged his hand over this firm mound, across to the other breast, and fondled it the same way. The sun was now hanging just over the water, mere minutes from disappearing.

Susan pushed forward slightly, making some room for her to sneak her hand back and grasp Josh’s cock. As she rubbed up and down his cock, Josh slid his left hand up under Susan's shirt, and used it to take over fondling her breasts. Then his right hand began a slow descent over her belly and down onto her bare pubic mound. Susan pushed forward into his hand, and spread her legs wider apart. Josh slid a finger over her lips, and gently moved it down toward her pussy. He dipped it into her hole, which was already sopping, and drew out some of her moisture. With his finger now lubricated, Josh began to gently draw it up and down across her clit. Little tingles of pleasure coursed through Susan with every pass. She gripped harder on Josh's cock, continuing to pump it. The sky was glowing a brilliant rose color.

Susan was beginning to breathe harder, and rock her pelvis. Josh began to alternate his stimulation, between tickling her clit and plunging a finger into her pussy. Her hand worked even faster on Josh's cock. She was so wet, so hot. So ready. The sun was now just a tiny line of yellow above the sea.

Susan twisted around - she had to get Josh's cock in her mouth. She drove her mouth over his head and shaft, sucking as hard as she could. It was partly to get him wet, but mostly because she just loved to feel his cock in her mouth.  Susan loved the feel of his cock in her mouth, she always wanted to taste it, to run her tongue along the shaft and watch him relax as pleasure overcame him. Susan ran her tongue up and down the length of his shaft a few times, and then finally looked up at him. "Ready?” Josh nodded.

Susan turned back to face the setting sun, and Josh pushed her up off the lounge. Susan then spread her legs, and, supported by Josh, lowered herself until the tip of his cock was nestled ever so lightly, just touching her wet, engorged lips. It was torture for them both, a torture neither of them wanted to end. With a deep breath, Josh just let her go, and she slid all the way down his shaft in one smooth movement. "Oooh," she moaned. Or was it him?  

Josh held her down on him for a moment, needing a second to get control of himself. Then slowly, he began to lift her up and down. Just a little at first, very deliberately. The sun was down now, the sky glowing a brilliant red. The wind had picked up slightly, the trees rustling.

Susan licked her finger, and then gave her clit a few quick massages. Josh pushed her up more with each stroke, and held her up, his cock barely inside her warm wetness. Then he would let her slide all the way down his shaft once more. Slowly, stroke after stroke, their passion built. At the height of each stroke, Susan's pussy would tense, squeezing Josh, imploring him not to pull out. And then he would let her slide down once more. Each time Susan felt like he went in a little deeper. Stroke after stroke. She ached for him to fill her all the way up, like his cock extended even into her chest.

Susan's breathing grew more rapid. Her moans became more pronounced. One more stroke. Then another stroke. Faster now. Josh's cock was completely coated with Susan's secretions. Her body began to shake. Josh's face contorted as he fought to hold off... And then the deep moans from Susan that told Josh she was there. She was about to come. Now he could let it go, too. Josh's arms held her tight, his cock as far in as it could possibly be... And with a final scream, Susan lost control, shuddering into her orgasm. Josh let it go, too, shooting deep, deep within her. Wave after wave of pleasure washed over them both. Josh felt like it would never stop. Susan hoped it never would. And then, finally, the contractions subsided. They fell back against the lounge chair, spent, but still connected. The sky was finally dark. There had been no arguments, just peace that day.

Josh pulled Susan closer to him and squeezed. Susan looked up at him as his eyes began to close. He looks so peaceful, she thought. Then she knew, this was the man. The one who she would always fight for. Another great day on the island had come to an end. After some rest, Susan knew the night would be even better. 

Getting to 100

So it might now seem like a lot, but I hit 100 views today. :) It's good to know that there are people who are looking at what I take the time to write. I've been getting things in order over the last few days. I'm not really sure when I'll start posting daily again. I do have some erotica that I may post up (once I change a few things). Maybe I'll start posting about a mental adventure I am currently on. I'm just not sure.

I'll be back soon. I promise. Until then, I'll leave you with these words:

Beat me until I am Yours

I want to be broken but you could not do that for me.

Feed into my self worthlessness.

Beat me, grab me by my hair.

Use me as just your play thing.

Abuse me until I break.  

Don’t use a weapon. Use your hand.

Use your words.

Tell me what you think of me

 Let out all your frustration and anger out on me.

Beat me until I am bruised

I need this more than you know.

I need to be broken.

Beat me until I cannot move.

Torment me until I cannot take it

Until I am barely breathing

Let me fight back

But please don’t give up.
Make me yours.

Bite me

Beat me

Mark me as Yours

I will cry, I will fight.

I will curse, I will throw hits

But break me until I am nothing put a pool of tears

Bruise my body, it is your canvas

Push me against the wall, your hand at my throat

Push into my soul and break it down until it is nothing but ash

Force me to be yours, to do as you say.

Use me as your toy

Do not worry about my pleasure

Whisper horrible thoughts into my ear

Use me until I scream, until I beg for you to stop

Do not stop

Tie me up and use your hands to chip away at my wall.

It is then you will see me.

When you have finally broken me you will see the real treasure inside

I need you to break me

Expose the vulnerable mess inside.

And when I am broken,

Pick up the pieces

Smooth back the hair

Wipe away the tears

Start to rearrange the puzzle

And I will be all yours

-written by Me.