I wonder why I ask lol

I've gotten into this habit (I guess you could call it that) of asking someone for a topic to write about for the day. So, I go to a random media outlet I’m a part of and ask what I should write about. I haven’t been keeping up with that, but I something told me to ask. I asked, and I received topics. I always pick the first topic that is given to me; sometimes it’s a really good topic, sometimes it’s horrid. And sometimes it is just hard because somehow, some random person has picked a topic that hits close to home or is something I don’t like talking about. Today, I got one of these. 

I usually post these on a very private blog, but I've had friends who were curious about this. They wondered where some scars came from and I told them. They requested I post this up as part of my new, "I'll be completely honest about everything" attitude. So there it is. 

So the topic/question of the day is:

Have you ever cut yourself purposely? If so, what do you think made you do it, why did you keep doing it, and where are your scars? Also, if you don't do it anymore, how hard was it for you to stop?

Short answer: Yes and because it was addicting.

I started cutting in 7^th grade; I started young. I was a very quiet kid. I always seemed happy to most people but I was miserable. I was that awkward kid, who wore glasses, was taller than everyone, was chubby, had developed before everyone, and was usually teacher’s pet. Not many people liked me and the friends I did have were a tad cruel; but hey, they were MY friends right! Earlier that year, my grandmother had moved in with my family and things had changed for us.  I didn't start cutting purposely. It was not my intention to cut any part of my body. At that age, I had a thing for fire and knives (I still do). So I was out in our yard playing with one of my collectible knives, it wasn't sharp at all. I don’t even remember what I was doing with it but I remember just feeling overwhelmed and angry, so I closed my eyes and I pulled it back, and then slammed the knife down. I heard a little thunk and knew it hit something. I wasn't until I opened my eyes that I realized I slammed it into my leg. I didn't break skin or anything; it just hurt like a bitch. But, it felt good. I was so worried though, what if someone had seen me? What if I had broken skin and I would have to explain it to my mom?! It wasn't until the middle/end of that year that I started doing it on purpose. I used what I could. It was my escape. They were always small; I made them look like I hurt myself by being klutzy – that was my excuse for all the cuts and bruises. I did this all the way until I graduated high school. Only a few people knew. Only one or two people actually saw the scars. 

My scars are all over my legs and arms. I did them in places people wouldn't pay attention to. I covered up a lot in high school. I always had baggy clothes and wore pants. When I joined soccer and had to wear shorts, I moved from my thigh to my shin, where they would be hidden by shin guards and socks. I tried to stop at the end of high school but it was hard. I gave in a few times. I was more scratching at myself harder than usual to stop it. Instead of cutting, I was clawing myself. I have some faint scars behind my ear and around my body from how often I did it. 

  I did it because it was my release. It was my way of reaffirming that things would be OK  No matter how many times you cut yourself, you could see the scars heal and realize that things eventually heal themselves up. That was my mindset during that time. I kept doing it because I wanted the adrenaline. It gave me energy; it made me able to continue the day. No one knew the reason for my energy; they assumed it was just me being me. It was like an addiction for me, one that I sometimes have problems with.  I stopped completely over a year ago, once I had left my husband. I've learned other ways to deal with problems. I get the urge once in a while. It's usually when I am so overwhelmed and have exhausted every option to deal with it. But so far, it's been about a year and not once have I given in.


Do you have a question you're curious about and want me to answer? Email me at inutehpup@gmail.com

First email will become the topic for tomorrow!