2012 in Review

This is something I usually post on the 31st, but considering recent events in my life I have decided to say to hell with it and post it now. For the past few years, I've done these but never had a place to post them. Now that I have my blog, I figured it would be a good place for it. This has taken me the better part of the month to sit down and write all of this out. This is my 2012 in review.

10 greatest things that happened in the past year:
1. I got to visit Washington DC and visit ALL the Smithsonian Museums (a dream of mine)
2. I lost 80 pounds
3. I opened up about abuse I had never talked about before
4. I learned that I don't have to give up who I am to appease others.
5. I met a new group of wonderful people who are slowly becoming some of my greatest friends
6. I got to go to Maryland to see my best friend and his wife
7. I started to write short stories again
8.  My body is more toned than it was last year.
9. I reconciled with some of my family
10. I got in touch with old friends that I dearly missed.

I am most proud of these three accomplishments from past year:
1. I started to eat healthier and work out more.
2. My drawing ability has improved with the constant practice
3. I have become more fashionable (trust me, this is a big accomplishment compared to previous years)

Three great lessons I've learned from last year are:
1. You don't need to keep people out with a wall, letting them see who you really are is the best thing to do. 
2. If your gut says something is wrong, don't ignore it
3. Don't let people's negativity affect you. Smile and let it bounce off of you.

Three personal developments I have made in the past year are:
1. I have taken over as "head of household" for my family.
2. I have come to terms with who I actually am and what I actually like
3. I cut back a LOT on the amount of alcohol I consumed.

If I could do things again last year, I would do these three things differently: 
1. I would have been open more about things that were going on and how I was feeling
2. I would have made sure that family members were actually going to doctors' appointments like they were supposed to.
3. I would have listened to my gut more often and spoke up about things that didn’t feel right.

Three things I need to do less of in the next year are: 
1. Worry about what negative things people have to say about me
2. Blow off my friends. I should be trying to see them more often
3. I need to drink less liquor.

Three things I need to do more of in the next year are:
1. Visit and hang out with my friends
2. Get out and explore the city
3. I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

Three things I need to stop completely doing in the next year are: 
1. Ignoring my gut.
2. I need to stop doubting myself and my skills.
3. I need to stop putting myself down

Three reasons I didn't achieve my goals from this past year are: 
1. I allowed others to talk me out of achieving them
2. I thought I couldn't do them
3. I was scared that if I achieved them, I would have nothing else.

Three goals I want to achieve this next year are:
1. Finish writing my book
2. Finish my divorce! :D
3. Start Graduate School and find a job.

Three reasons why I want to achieve these goals are: 
1. I have been working on my book on and off for the last two years, it's time I get serious.
2. It’s been over a year and it's time that it's done so I can completely move on in life.
3. I have been putting it off and know that I should get my Master's degree so I can get better job opportunities.

Smartest decision I made last year: 
The smartest decision I made was NOT moving to California. Every time planning starts, life has a way of throwing something big at me to keep me in Chicago. I’m glad I stayed because I got to help my Dad take care of my sister and be there for my sister during her last moments on earth.

Biggest risk I took last year: 
The biggest risk I took was going to DC to spend time with a guy I knew from online. It could have been the worst mistake of my life, but for the time I was with him - it was the best I had felt.

One sentence that sums up this past year:
A roller coaster like no other and I'd do it all again.

One year from right now, I want to my ideal day to look like this: 
Me coming home from work to a completely finished house, whipping up dinner for my family, and relaxing while eating dinner together. Perhaps even preparing for my significant other to come over after work/school and hang out for a while.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Compared to last year I am much, much happier; MUCH thinner; and poorer financially.

Did you fall in love in 2012? Are you still in love? 
I did fall in love this past year. And while it lasted, it was wonderful. Things never seem to go how we think they will. There were too many problems and both of us contributed to the growing number of problems. I am not in love with this person anymore, they will have a special place in my heart – but that’s it.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
For my 24th birthday, I was actually in Washington DC (for the first time) and it was the first time I celebrated my birthday in almost 10 years.

What kept you sane? 
Sane? Who said I was sane in the first place? It was realizing that no matter what happened, I would wake up the next morning and have the strength to get through and survive the day.

Who was the best new person you met?
This is a really hard question. There are a few very wonderful people I met this year that have made my life better and more fulfilling. I've met so many new people in 2012 that it really is hard to say who was the best to meet. There's my fetlife friends that I got to meet and they are all so wonderful and I feel blessed to know them. Then there are blogging friends I've met since I started this whole thing - and the emails I've gotten from this are awesome.

What was your favorite film of this year?
AVENGERS! :D Mmm…Captain America…-drools- It's either that or Ice Age: Continental Drift

What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to get a job this year. People keep telling me it’s ok and that everyone is going through this but I feel like the biggest failure. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough or I’m doing it wrong.

Where did most of your money go? 
Student loans and credit card payments -le sigh-

What was your favorite TV program? 
Once Upon a Time, Walking Dead, and Grimm.

A Funeral & Movie Night

I really need to get better at posting. I really haven't wanted to be online though. Lately, I've been just texting and skyping with very close friends. I needed the pull away from the internet. My last post was about my sister passing. We had the viewing and burial on the same day. My father couldn't take having to wait. I don't think the family could either. A lot of people surprisingly showed up. I saw family there I hadn't seen since my grandmother passed away 10 years ago. So it had been a whole decade and here are these people, trying to hug me and ask how everyone is. I kept myself together most of the day. I smiled and made small talk. I was there to hold people's hand and walk with them to see my sister because they couldn't do it by themselves. I also had the pleasure of taking my 5 year old niece and explaining why we were there and what was going to happen. I was prepared for this, I had my story about heaven and was ready to tell her until she put her hand on my arm and straight out went, "She's in heaven, with Capone and Benji right? She has her legs and she's taking them on walks." Capone and Benji are two of our dogs that died within the past year and my sister had lost both of her legs a few years ago. At 5, she had that pure understanding. All I could do was nod as this little girl grabbed a tissue and wiped MY tears. I had been holding it all in. She took MY hand and led me to my sister. She got on that little bench, placed her hand on my sister's and said "You take care of them and they'll take care of you. No more pain." I walked away, made an excuse, grabbed my baby nephew and walked out to the couches.  I got my composure back after that. I held myself together all through most of the burial too. I knew I had to be strong for my niece and my dad. I was fine. I kept telling myself I would be fine! And I was, until I stepped back and looked down. We were burying my sister at my mom's feet and something lost it. I knelt down and just cleaned my mom's headstone as much as I could. I ignored everyone else and just whispered to her. I used to visit her all the time, but things came up and I stopped going. Seeing that someone was bringing her fresh flowers stung at my heart. It was the worst feeling in the world. Other people had made time, but I couldn't. But I pulled myself together and put on a smile for all to see.

Not much else happened. The Saturday after was movie night. I had debated cancelling but knew I would need this. So, Saturday came, I was up at 6am. My friends were graduating at my alum, so I made my way over and clapped and cheered as they crossed the stage. I wish I had been able to stay longer, but I made my way over to the train and onto my pack mate's house. I should say that I was wearing high heel boots, they're comfy though, but still high heeled. So we get to the end of the train and we're trying to find our way. We arrived 30 minutes EARLY and were an HOUR late to the house lol. My feet were killing me. We kept getting sent in different directions, and then we got followed. It was also raining the whole time. Movie night was SO much fun. We got there and helped cooked the meal. It was nice to get there before it got crowded because it gave me a chance to get to know the hostess and some of the people there and keep my mind from overworking. I think the amount of wine I had also helped. I met some great people there that I hope to see again. It wasn't until later that the person I was most excited to see actually showed up. This man makes me smile so much. It was an exciting night, to say the least. Once the movies were over, there was just downtime and people talking. I got coaxed into a semi-pup state and was gnawing on someone's hand for a bit while someone else petted my head. Scritches are very nice when you're wound up lol. I felt very playful and affectionate by the end of the night. By about 1am, we said our goodbyes, and my ride and I were on our way home. I won't go into details, but a sleepover was had and I spent most of Sunday in the company of a handsome, witty, and awesome gentleman. It was very much needed.

So yea, that's about all that's happened. I plan on doing some holiday and new year related posts soon. :)

Making Last Memories

In a few hours, I will be seeing my sister for the last time. It will be the last memory I have of her before we bury her. As much as we fought, she is my sister. It's going to be hard because she passed hours before the 6 year anniversary of my mother's passing. This was all so sudden but thankfully I have friends who were there for me when family wasn't. When my family pushed me aside to check on everyone else, it was MY chosen family that came to me. When my family lectured me about my new responsibilities and how I have to "Woman-up", it was MY chosen family that held me, even if it was through texts and messages. I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life right now. 

My Daddy has been so wonderful through this all, constantly checking up on me and seeing if there is anything he can do, if I want to talk, etc. He doesn't ask how any one else is doing, and I am thankful for that. I know it sounds harsh but everyone else is concerned about them, I need people to be there for just me. Then there is the wonderful Mr. Otter. He is so new in my life and yet, he's constantly making me smile and laugh during this rough time.  I was so tempted to break down  and call my ex. He had been my rock for so long and I just wanted that familiar feeling of safety; thankfully, these two wonderful men stepped up and helped me be strong. 

_________________________________________________________

Sometimes we smile through the pain

Sometimes we smile through all the hurt

Sometimes we laugh through the rough times

Sometimes we laugh through the stormy clouds

It feels like I should block it all away

Bottle it up and release it later

But that comes at a price I’m not willing to pay

So I will let it out

I will shout and scream

It feels like I should run away from it all

Pack my things and disappear

But I don’t want to leave again

So I will stay this time

I will work it out in my own way.

-Written by Inu