Peering In

I held my great-nephew for the first time today. I mean, really held him. I held him close and he just stared up at me. I had sworn to myself I would not get attached to this child since his mother and I had always been at odds. But something came over me and I asked to take him for a few minutes. He was being fussy until I picked him up. He stared straight at me. This 2 week old little bundle instantly melted my heart. I rocked and walked him around the house before settling with him on my bed.

He just stared up at me. He kept staring into my eyes and tried to giggle (or made a sound like he did). I know why I needed to hold him. I just can't say it out loud. I have my reasons and they all broke my heart. I held this little boy for 30 minutes. We just relaxed on my bed and he stared at me, the tried to look around. His little hand grabbed my finger and held on for dear life. I have held many babies and many children before. It is not something new to me. It is second nature to pick these fragile creatures up and to cradle them close. My instinct is to hold them and never let them fall - no matter how much they may scream and cry, no matter how much they trash about and hurt me in the process. I have to hold on and let them get it out and they will settle down again.

This little guy though. It took everything in me not to hold him tighter and just cry. The way he held my finger and looked at me, my heart kept breaking and re-breaking. I felt like I wanted to die. To toss him away because he meant something that he shouldn't. I saw in him things that I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone.

And the one person I want to tell them to? Well, I messed that up. So I told the little man everything. I told him everything and he just squeezed tighter and looked at me. No judgement, no getting angry about not saying anything. He just listened. And I fell in love with this child again.