Getting to 100

So it might now seem like a lot, but I hit 100 views today. :) It's good to know that there are people who are looking at what I take the time to write. I've been getting things in order over the last few days. I'm not really sure when I'll start posting daily again. I do have some erotica that I may post up (once I change a few things). Maybe I'll start posting about a mental adventure I am currently on. I'm just not sure.

I'll be back soon. I promise. Until then, I'll leave you with these words:

Beat me until I am Yours

I want to be broken but you could not do that for me.

Feed into my self worthlessness.

Beat me, grab me by my hair.

Use me as just your play thing.

Abuse me until I break.  

Don’t use a weapon. Use your hand.

Use your words.

Tell me what you think of me

 Let out all your frustration and anger out on me.

Beat me until I am bruised

I need this more than you know.

I need to be broken.

Beat me until I cannot move.

Torment me until I cannot take it

Until I am barely breathing

Let me fight back

But please don’t give up.
Make me yours.

Bite me

Beat me

Mark me as Yours

I will cry, I will fight.

I will curse, I will throw hits

But break me until I am nothing put a pool of tears

Bruise my body, it is your canvas

Push me against the wall, your hand at my throat

Push into my soul and break it down until it is nothing but ash

Force me to be yours, to do as you say.

Use me as your toy

Do not worry about my pleasure

Whisper horrible thoughts into my ear

Use me until I scream, until I beg for you to stop

Do not stop

Tie me up and use your hands to chip away at my wall.

It is then you will see me.

When you have finally broken me you will see the real treasure inside

I need you to break me

Expose the vulnerable mess inside.

And when I am broken,

Pick up the pieces

Smooth back the hair

Wipe away the tears

Start to rearrange the puzzle

And I will be all yours

-written by Me. 

Getting Through Another Day

I may be hurt. I may feel weak. I may even feel abandoned.  But I will get through this. I will get stronger. I will take my memories, cherish them, and change for the better again.

The End. Time for a New Beginning

So "Master" ended it last night. It was one of those "what the hell..why did you string me along until I had a good day and then tell me this bullshit" kind of things. So I'm going to take a small break from posting. I need to clear my head and get my life back in order. I may post some random things up but it's going to take me a few days or so to really get things clear and write something.

Rise and Shine - a story

This took some time for me to write and get as I wanted it. But here it goes... ______________________________________________________________________

The sun is shining in. The alarms are going off. I groan and turn over in my sleep, hoping that if I ignore it all, I won’t have to wake. The room is cold and I start to shiver. I can feel you turning to shut off your phone, grumbling curses under your breath. You have all the covers, they always seem to wrap around you at night. I can feel cold wind fly up my spine, causing me to shiver more. Then warmth. You arms are around me and you’re pulling me back to your chest. Mmm, safety. Warmth. Love. This is where I belong, I think to myself and lets out a soft sound of appreciation. This is the best time of the day for me. It feels the safest. I no longer have the nightmares when you are here. I wish we could stay like this. You are my defender, even while you sleep. Being so close to you has driven the demons away. When I am close to you, I can finally sleep and not worry. I pull your arms tighter around me and try to curl up.

You start to kiss on the side of my face and my neck. I can’t help but smile. I love when our mornings are like this. Your body is warming mine but your arms tighten around me and you growl playfully into my ear, “Mine.” I look up at you and smile. “All yours” is all I can say. I belong to you, all of me belongs to you. Already, my heart is racing. My mind is finally shutting up, letting me enjoy the time. You growl into my ear again and press against my rear. I can feel it. Your hardening cock. I look up at you with a bigger smile and you smirk, nipping at my ear. I turn over and hook my leg over your hip. Your hand starts moving down my side, resting on my hip before traveling down to squeeze my ass. I start to giggle as you quickly pull me close and roll onto your back, pulling my on top of you. I’m sitting on your lap, smiling down at you.

We do this all the time, but I still feel the same way. My stomach tightens and my heart starts to race. Your eyes always lock onto mine and I can’t help but to lean down and start kissing you. It always starts slow, but I quickly cannot get enough of you. My stomach tightens more and the aching begins to form. I need to kiss you, need to feel my body to yours. I need to touch your skin, I have to pull my shirt of and throw it aside. My hands are on your bare chest, raking gently against the skin. I have to pull away, I need to breath. I inhale your smell, closing my eyes and putting it into memory. I am captivated by everything about you. Your staring at me with a smirk. I can tell you understand what you do to me. But do you really know? Do you know how weak I get when you give me that look? Do you know that is why I walk with my eyes to the ground, because I am trying my hardest not to stop and fall over? Your warm hands are resting on my hip. Yes, so warm. That’s where your hands need to be. This is how you lead me. I slid off your body, cursing myself for doing so. I am met by the cold air, but I know what I have to do. My fingers curl around the waistband of your pajama pants. One day I will get you to sleep completely nude, but I do enjoy this part of the morning. I slowly start to pull them down your legs, biting my lip, waiting in anticipation for your cock to spring loose. I can feel your body relax as I pull the pants completely off and throw them aside.

I have to sit back, look over you carefully. I know I never say it enough, but I can’t get enough of seeing you naked. The way your chest flexes and relaxes as my eyes scan over it. You have told me you weren’t that happy with your body, but it is more than I can ask for. My head fits perfectly on your chest; your arms are strong when they hold me to you tightly. Your legs, so muscular that you I don’t fear I’m crushing you when I sit on your lap. My eyes can’t get enough of you. I try my hardest to commit everything to memory. Do you understand what you do to me? I need to remember everything. I need to before going back. I can barely breath; your body is just so enticing. My mouth feels dry but I have to keep swallowing back all the drool. The familiar ache is starting to get worse; I can’t help it any longer. I lean down and run my tongue across the tip of your cock. The soft sigh from your mouth is all I need; I engulf the head into my mouth and suck. I hope you realize, I feel the most submissive here, doing this, doing this for you. I suck more, letting my tongue glide around the head, savoring your taste. Flesh, thick, masculine. I hear your quiet moans, my stomach tightens and I take more of you into my mouth. Your fingers have found their way into my hair and I can feel your body relaxing under me. I want to show you...no I NEED to show you how much you mean to me. Your cock feels delicious and thick in my mouth; inch by inch, I let it slide into my mouth. Your moans have started to increase; your fingers have tightened around my hair. The aching is growing; I need all of you now. I look up and smile at you before pushing all the way down, taking your cock into my mouth, letting it slide into my throat. Your body quickly tenses up and your fingers grab onto my hair before relaxing. You call me a “good girl” and I believe you. You tell me how good it feels, that is what I need. I keep your cock in my throat for as long as I can, moaning louder My saliva gets everywhere, drips down your shaft, my lips are slightly swollen from sucking you. But I refuse to stop. I begin to tear up, trying to breathe through my nose. You hold me there, for a moment that feels like eternity, and then you release me for air. I gasp, and you watch my flushed cheeks as I raise my head.Your cock is even harder, glistening from all my saliva. Your fingers are still clutching my hair. Do you realize how much power you have over me? I stare up at you and I can't help it. I swallow hard, you think it's in anticipation. I wish I would tell you that it's me swallowing back tears. I do this every time. I can't help it. I am weak, you are strong. You're the one who has been there for me. I am the most vulnerable with you, and it scares me.

Your smirking again and motioning for me to come closer. I crawl up your body, my breasts dragging across your skin. Your hand has found its way to my hip and is holding me there. You pull my face close and kiss me, whispering sweet nothings between the kisses, telling me how much of a good girl I am. The ache between my legs is too much for me. I press back against you, feeling the head of your cock poke at my pussy. You smirk again and chuckle, “Dirty girl…” I can’t deny it. I need you so bad. I want you. Your hips lift up and you tease my pussy more, holding my hips tightly so I can’t push down. I can’t take it anymore. I know I am dripping wet. The head pushes against me more and I bite my lip. It presses more, popping in and I am lost. I moan and fall onto your chest. You hold me there tightly and push the rest of you into me. It’s like this every morning. You are too big. I am too tight. I whimper in pain and squirm away. Your arm holds my tight, your other stroking my back. “Sit up puppy…” your voice is soft, but firm. I sit up and whimper. The feeling is more intense but you continue. I take a deep breath and start listening to the sound of your voice, I’m not sure what you’re saying but I wish you would never stop. You warn me to be ready and thrust up, pushing the rest into me. I scream out and shake. I can never take this in the morning. You grip my hips and hold me down, forcing me to sit straight on your cock. My body can’t stop shaking; my pussy grabs at you and squeezes tighter.But I stay seated, squirming through the quick uncomfortableness. I want to tell you, but my voice won't start..i need to tell you how I love you, how I would do anything for you.

My body finally starts to relax enough. You hold my hips down and start moving in and out slowly. I whimper and whine every time you leave, then gasp for air when you plunge deeply inside of me. You start to move faster and dig your nails into my hip. It feels so good. The small moans started again, but this time a little bit louder and lasting a little bit longer. I could feel the wetness between my legs, I could feel it start to drip down over youe cock, knew that I was dripping onto you. Stoke after stroke, I could feel it building up. I could feel you tensing below me. My pussy kept squeezing your cock, imploring you not to pull out. I could hear you moaning, could feel your legs starting to tense. I fell forward, my hands on either side of your head. I needed to kiss you, needed to feel your lips on mine. I started to move this time, moving faster, adjusting so your cock pushed against my g-spot. I could feel my pussy getting tighter. Your moans started to grow louder. I kept going, forcing myself to hold off for a bit longer. My mind was racing away. I could only think of you, think of your voice calling out for me. I close my eyes and I still see you behind my lids.

I could hear the strain in your face. I started to feel your cock pulse and knew it was time. I whimpered and looked into your eyes. “Cum for me puppy” was all I needed and I screamed out and released, coming and squirting over you. Your nails dug into my hips and you roared out, streams of cum blasting into my pussy. My body was shaking, I couldn’t keep myself up. Your arms wrapped around me and brought me to your chest. The sun was shining brighter into the room. The room no longer felt cold. You moaned softly and let me slide off of you. I curled into a little ball and felt your warmth surround me.

This is where I belonged. My mind quiets again. Your arms snake their way around me, pulling me close. I can feel your heart beating against my back. I push back the tears again because I know it will end soon. I will soon be going back. Going where I won't be able to experience this again. Back to where I am not wanted, where I do not belong. I push those thoughts back, I push back the tears. I can't think of that right now. I just want to get lost in your arms.

It is easier to build than repair.

I saw this photo on Facebook today and stopped. I normally go through lots of pictures on Facebook and never stop to think. But this one is different. It speaks to me because I am realizing just how hard it is to repair yourself as an adult. I have a mixed childhood. It was both great and horrible. I lived in a horrible place (south side Chicago) and was exposed to violence on a daily level, so much so that I am desensitized to it. Violence, although I hate it, does not bother me. I was always picked on as a kid. I was the girl who was too tall, too fat, too ugly. I didn't have friends and the ones I thought I had, well, they turned out to be a bunch of sluts looking to hook up with my brother (this is form 5th-8th grade mind you). Growing up, I also had conflicting messages given to me. "Education is going to lead you to great places" and "Education? Why? You're gonna be stuck here anyway!" I had decided to go for the first and applied myself completely to school. This didn't help my social life. I never really learned how to make and keep friends. People just befriended me when they needed things or when they realized that there was someone much lamer than they.

I had always been told growing up that it didn't matter what I felt, I needed to stay quiet and keep it to myself. This worked well until I started breaking. I have a history of abuse (verbal, mental, and emotional) that have lead me to actually have a bit of conflicting feelings around men. They scare me so much, but it is only around some that I feel safe. I have been raped and beaten by men before. I have been told I am a whore, a good for nothing bitch. Growing up, the boys always hated me and picked on me because they were stronger, there were more of them. They learned the best way to get to me, it wasn't physical violence. It was the constant assault of words and slurs. This all started at a young age, and nothing at home changed this. Thoughts that I was never good enough, nothing I ever did was right. I was always doing something the wrong way. I doubted everything I did. I passed 8th grade easily, but it wasn't good enough. I didn't get good enough grades. It didn't matter I scored in the 99th percentile on all tests, school, city, and state wide. It didn't matter I had won 2nd and 3rd place awards for science. It didn't matter I made it to City Competition for my writings. It wasn't good enough.

In high school, I thought it would be different - I was wrong. Something tragic happened, I was raped for the first time. I hid my body. I didn't want anyone to see me. I knew I wasn't pretty like all the other girls. I wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough. I found some friends, but I never let them that close to me. There were a two guys who showed interest in high school, both actually turned out to be total douchebags, but at the time - only one was worth it. I had went for douchebag #1. He was cute, he was popular. I should have known it was a trap right then. He showed interest in me, lead me along for a few weeks. We never dated, but he always alluded to it happening. Then one day, nothing. Next thing I know, word is spreading that I'm stalking him. That i'm waiting for him after class, begging to sit near him. I couldn't shake those rumors that whole semester. I hated myself more, wondering what I did to deserve this. The old words started ringing in my head again. I fell into depression and so began my introduction to cutting. The clothes became bigger too. I didn't want anyone knowing I had a body. Then he came along, (#2). He was my best friend during this time and tried to get rid of those nasty thoughts in my head. Looking back, I see that he was just planting more insecurities.

Again, nothing was good enough for my family and friends during this time. I was constantly criticized for my choice in anything. It didn't matter that I raised the money myself to pay for all my soccer gear and school events for 3 years. It didn't matter that I had earned a chance to go to a conference in Washington DC and actually talk about my science experiments. I wasn't good enough. I was too "manly" for my family, they wanted me in skirt and dresses. I pushed back, I didn't want them to see any scars. I found out I was being cheated on, had been cheated on a few times. I cried and went into depression. I didn't want to talk, I started smoking. I started cutting again. Very close friends had been killed and that pushed me further. I couldn't take it anymore. I sat in the washroom during parts of lunch and cried when no one was around. I pushed myself harder in soccer, dropping lots of weight. It wasn't enough. I was still too fat and I saw it in the mirror. Instead of a beautiful, feminine body. I had these big muscles and fat everywhere.

Even now, I set myself up for failure. Master has tried and tried to  break me of these voices, and just when I think it has worked, they come back and I do something to mess up. It has been almost a year since he took me in, and I know I have made a lot of progress from where I was 10 years ago. I have gone through so much, been married and abandoned. Been thrown to the side with no word as to why someone didn't want to be with me anymore. The voices just got stronger. Then Master came and the voices started to quiet down, but I always end up doing something to make them come back. The words from when I was a child come back to me very clearly, "You're never going to be good enough. You will never make anyone happy with how you are.."

It really is much easier to build up a child than repair an adult...

Wishlist outfit #2

I have no idea where to get most of this stuff. I used the site, Polyvore, and found all these cute things. When I find links to getting them, I'll edit this and post them up. I think this look is so adorable! :D

New Life Plan

Things have been hectic for me over the past few years. I have gone through a lot and have gotten a lot better at a lot of things. I know I am not perfect and I have a really long way to go until I am at a level that is "appropriate" for many people. I got to thinking last night though. I was planning on going to bed but had to quickly ask a friend for a favor and that turned into a long conversation about things that I  needed for an upcoming project.

I had to ask my friend to help me with some drawings. Drawings, why drawings? You may be asking yourself. Well, I've decided that I have so much free time from not working that I should get back into my old hobbies and brush up on my skills. I used to love writing since I learned how to. I would write letters and stories. I loved to write research papers (weird, I know lol). But I had stopped. I also loved to draw. I wasn't great at it, but I was ok. I stopped that too. Lately though, I've gotten back into writing a lot. I've had so many ideas for stories that it's a bit overwhelming. Master has been having me write short erotica for him, which has helped in getting my creative juices flowing.  I have a lot more for Him that I need to polish up and edited before showing them. I also have a few short story ideas that I need to write down before I forget them. My latest one is actually a children's book I had been wanting to write about Halloween. It's nothing big but it's something that I have been thinking of doing for a while. I have posted at least one story up previously and plan to do a few more.

I'm hoping that this will get me back into the habit of writing a story a day and eventually  back into doing research and writing research papers for my own enjoyment. So, what does this have to do with my new life plan? Well this is just the beginning really. I have no idea what's going to happen from now until the end of the year. I had many plans for myself as of January 2012 and none have really succeeded. I figure it's time to think of a different path for myself. I have been thinking of whether Graduate School was right for me. I had been told by one or two people that I shouldn't go for a Master's in Social Work because I can't even get a job with my B.A. But, I knew that it would be hard getting into it. Lots of places are cutting back, funding is being cut from a lot of agencies. It's just a hard time for everyone. I am still very much interested in social work though. I have also been looking into specializing in Sex Therapy and Education. I'm still looking up schools and what I would need to get into this kind of program, but it had always been a joke between friends and I in high school - that I would be the one to grow up and be the sex therapist. The other program I have been looking at is Animal Assisted Social Work  (AASW). It's been an interest of mine since I started my social work program in college. I still have time to think of which one I would want to do first, because that really determines where I will hopefully be moving to.

There are so many things I had put on hold or decided weren't worth doing. There is really nothing holding me back right now from actually going out and finally doing these things (well besides money, but there will never be enough lol). Every journey begins with the first step. I'm taking mine to the start of a new life for me :)

Good Night

I haven't been keeping up with postings. Too much going on for me. I'm hitting the hay though. It's hard for me to sleep lately though. I hate falling asleep by myself. But, I know I have to suck it up and put myself to sleep every night. >----< I wish i never had to sleep...well no i dont XD I love sleep way too much. i just hate falling asleep beause it means i have to wake up..and i'm grumpy when i wake up @___@

Job Hunt

I felt so good when I woke up this morning. I woke up the best way I could, considering the distance between Master and I, a sweet text saying good morning. We got to really talk for a few hours. It was nice, I still have some guilt, but that will stay with me for a long time. The problem for me came when I decided to check my email. For anyone who knows me, they know the problems I have been having for the past year or two in finding a job. People assume that because I'm in the city that jobs should come by easily. That's not the case considering that there are a few hundred other people applying for these same jobs.    

I had a great day until I opened my email and saw, not one or two, but TEN different rejection emails. These are jobs I applied to in January/February and they are just getting back to me. Umm, hello! I figured you rejected me, no need to rub it in. I am at a loss for what to do. It feels like I am in a hole and just can't get my foot in anywhere to get out. I have recently taken the chance and signed up to be a virtual assistant. I've had someone interested, but they backed out last minute. It is a very frustrating time. Especially because I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months. I had been planning to move, but (through my own fault) that fell through and I'm stuck here for a while more. I feel like I have so many useful skills that I have developed over the years but no one wants to give me a chance because I don't have the experience in their field, or just not enough experience at all. I am just tired of not having steady income.

To top it all off, my brother owes me money for watching his daughter. I get that he says he has a lot of bills, but dude just spent $100 to get a flat screen TV and is spending another $70 to get the screen fixed. Um, He owes me about $100 dollars, so instead of paying me, he goes to get a tv. This is why I don't like my biological family, they're so self-absorbed and worried about how to weasel their way out of paying debts they owe. Thankfully Master has agreed to lend me something so I can at least get my cell phone turned back on. I just hate having him give me the money to do this. I don't like borrowing money from people. I don't know where to turn to really. Even if I wanted to borrow money from my family, they would make me jump through loops and bitch to everyone that I'm mooching money off them. I just need a new plan and a new life away from this city.

On the bright side, I got my desktop fixed and running! AND I have it connected to the internet -happy dance-

Love life like you've never been hurt

I saw this quote on fetlife and wanted to post it: 

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back" 

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I know what it's like to fall for your best friend. 

I know what it's like wishing I had more pictures for that time in life. 

I know what it's like to sit there and cry because you realize that you're not going to live forever, no one is.

I remember that time in life when all I did was laugh and be happy.

I remember that time of regret, wishing I had apologized to that one person for yelling at him, but it was too late. 

I remember that day, grabbing my best friend's hand and running down the block through the rain, dancing, giggling and kicking at the puddles. 

In the end, it's true: you should love life like you've never been hurt. Smile like you've never had a bad day. 

Wanted: Outfit #1

I've been looking up things online and making a wishlist of items I want to save up for. This is the first outfit I decided to make out of all the links. My new fascination is with self bras. They are just so sexy and give you a naughty feeling under your clothes. Plus, it seems like a nice surprise for Master to find after coming home, right? The panties are ones he picked out. The front if kind of boring, but given my crafting skills, I can totally jazz it up. it's the back that catches my eye. Most people think of panties are nothing more than something to cover you up. But we know that a nice pair will make you feel incredibly sexy.  I picked the dress because I love the vintage look to it. I've always loved the look of the 50s clothing. Though, I would probably leave the top few buttons open for a more appealing look. I make my own jewelry, so I didn't feel the need to post images of any. Why buy things that I make on a daily basis? 

Panties: http://www.hipsandcurves.com/plus-size-lingerie/p-12030-plus-size-caged-back-panty-panties.aspx

Bra: http://www.hipsandcurves.com/plus-size-lingerie/p-178-plus-size-ruffle-shelf-bra-bras.aspx

Dress: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/soda-fountain-dress-in-cola

Shoes: http://www.heels.com/womens-shoes/stabby-cat-platform-black.html

Spanking a Brat

How to spank a brat


First step... catch her.
Second step...hold on to her.
Third step... while holding on to her. Try to get to your cuffs/rope/ whatever you can get your hands on.
Fourth step... carry her to the bed
Fifth step... stop and try to catch your breath. (while still trying to hold on to her)
Sixth step... catch her again
Seventh step... threaten her with bodily harm if she doesn't stand still
Eighth step... catch her again.
Ninth step... threaten to gag her if she doesn't stop laughing.
Tenth step... drag her back to the bed
Eleventh step...secure her wiggling body
Twelfth step... choose your paddle/ crop/ flogger/ whatever is handy.
Thirteenth step...gag her to stop the giggling.
Fourteenth step...repeatedly smack her ass till she quits shaking with laughter.
Fifteenth step...continue spanking till she starts to moan.
Sixteenth step... give up. No matter what you do, you know she's enjoying the hell out of it. This isn't punishment, it's her way of making you please her.

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I wonder if my Master would agree with this. I've had my fair share of spankings - both as punishment and for pleasure. The chase until the spank is what is fun for me. It is having Master chase after me and seeing the look on his face. The look that says "Go ahead and run as much as you want. I'm letting for get away for now, but just wait". It's the look that makes my knees go weak and my insides melt. I know that he is just letting me run for a while, that he's going along with playtime until he is ready to grab me and push me over his knee or over the end of the bed. 

Snap Dragons - A Poem

I wrote this in high school. I don't remember when or why I wrote it. It just came to me.
_____________________________________________________________

Snap dragons

Against the brick wall

Clutching her purse

Barely breathing

Shard of broken glass

Sprayed across

The minutes so slow

Blood underneath

Her torn tee shirt

A blanket of smoke

People like to see

They exhale the truth

Screaming

Banging

Jumping!

The color of mangoes

Like a song at dinner time

In the evening

Wine and cheese

I used to play

Imitating rhododendrons

Underneath the stars

Screaming Rock n roll!

Closed in

A bright green picture

Crawling in New York City

In the cathedral

There was energy

Like a pocketful of raindrops

A dark theater

Smoke rings imitating

The Surrealist's Dream - A Poem

This one, I remember writing vividly. It was for my first time ever in summer school. I had to retake an English class and the assignment was to write a free-style poem. We got to do whatever we wanted. This just so happened to come after a dream I had the night before it was due. So I present: The Surrealist's Dream.
__________________________________________________________________


Enter into dreamland

Its such a wonderful place!

Keep your feet inside the vehicle

Its going to be a bumpy night

Look over there!
Watch as your mind makes you see!

See you best friend dying?

Don’t worry, it’s only a dream

Don’t you feel the trickling sweat down your face?

What are you sweating?

It’s freezing in your room!
Enter back into our world and you shall see

Look to your right!
Look at your boyfriend

Pale as if he were dead!
POW!!
Straight in the face!

Look to your left,
As the bright colors whiz by
Red, yellow, blue, green explode

They’re fireworks right in front of your eyes

Watch out

Here comes your backpack

Its mad at you

Its ripped all over

And limps to the side

Look straight ahead,

were almost to the end.

Last time to say good-bye

To all the awful things in your head

Now. WAKE UP!!!

The nights at its end

Come back next time

Well be here until you’re dead

Heaven's So Close - A Poem

So, I've mentioned previous problems I've had in life. As I was going through some of my old stuff from high school and college, I came upon an this old poem. I wrote this when I was in a dark place, right around the end of my first or second semester of college.
______________________________________________________

As the sun sets down and the creatures come out,
You pull me close and hide me beneath your wings.
Saying that you would love me forever and not let anyone harm me.
The sun is about to set, you pull in me for a kiss
I melt into your arms; my body is a perfect fit against yours.
You move away from me, holding your lips like they're in pain...

My heart begins to beat faster, your wings turn darker.
What is wrong?
No answer...
Are you ok?
You let out a horrible screech!
I grab my ears, falling to the floor
Crying...

Crying tears upon tears
Making puddles beneath me
You grab me up and scream!
Your angel wings are no more!
What have you become?
You raise your voice
Nothing is wrong!

I see the struggle in your eyes
The angel and the demon fighting for their side
You yell and throw things about
trying to get away from you,
Hurting myself in the process.

I have never been this afraid!
What did I do to set you off?
No answer from you
You fall to the floor
My heart still beating, drumming loudly into my ears
You grab your face and claw, trying to rip off the mask.
Your wings are almost black!

I stay away, not sure what you will do.
Puddles are forming and the room is turning into a pool

Drowning!
Trying to get through
Both crying so many tears
I go under
Not knowing how to swim my way to the top
To the paradise island that will await me!!

I scream and I yell
They only come out garbled
All the water is flowing into my lungs
Choking me as I grasp for air!
More water fills the room,
It's harder than ever to reach the top

I see you kicking your way to the top
How come you get to go to the island and I am left to drown?
I try to call for you
Scream for you
Only air bubbles
I flail, imitating you
Hoping that the unsettling water will grab your attention.

You finally take notice,
A bit too late.
I cannot hold my breath any longer
I have finally run out of air
You look at me and the surface,
Deciding which to choose
You swim toward me, holding out your hand
I try to grab it,
Try to make my way toward the surface!

The sun had finally set
The creatures are about
You let go of my hand,
Trying to get to the surface as fast as you can
Don't leave me!
I try to scream...

Slithery slimy
Here come the things
I try to swim,
I fall back into the darkness
The creatures claw all around me,
Taking me back to the depths and you make your ascend to your Heaven.

Elevator Ride Up

So, this is a small story I've been working on for a few days. Figured I would post it up. It's not my best at all, but it's something to get me back into writing more! 

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Unlike any other Friday, today was one of those ridiculously busy days for Carol. Although she had already spent the last week running around the city getting everything she needed to get done for work and friends, it still seemed as if she was playing Beat the Clock. No matter what she did or where she went, Carol was always a day late and a dollar short, never quite able to relax or catch up with the rest of the world. The stress was getting to her. 

As she pulled the cord to stop the bus, she heaved a heavy sigh. Maybe today, while everyone else was out of the office, she could catch up on all the work that had been piling up on her desk. Carol sighed as she thought of all the files she had to go through, all the notes that had to be entered into the database, and all the calls she had to make.

Carol’s job wasn’t made any easier by the fact that Mike worked in the same building. Not that they were a couple anymore, exactly, but Carol still had deep feelings for Mike. They worked in completely different departments in the building, but they always managed to take the same elevator, riding up to their floors in awkward silence. Carol tried to shake the images from her head. They had dated for a while, but went south after one too many arguments. 

Sitting at her desk, Carol would find herself daydreaming about Mike. His hazel bedroom eyes into which she was longing to look once more; his soft brown hair that she was aching to touch. Sometimes ten minutes would go by and Carol would find her legs tingling while fantasizing about Mike’s fabulous body; her mind kept going to his bare chest, her hands grazing across it slowly... It had been so long since they had been together, Carol wasn’t sure why she couldn’t get him out her mind.

“Face it, girl,” she thought to herself while getting off the bus, “There’s no chance of this ever happening again.” Carol pulled a mirror out of her purse and checked her make up one last time. Holding tight her purse and jacket, she headed across the lot to the building lobby. For a Friday, the place was pretty empty. Approaching the elevator, she pushed the button and waited for the next car up. Her mind kept drifting to Mike and the last time they were together. They had gotten along so well, at least that was until she had to go away to a conference. They always argued when apart from each other.

It only took a few seconds before the doors opened before her. There, standing alone in the elevator, was Mike, looking fantastic, as always. “Hello,” he smiled, but Carol’s throat had suddenly gone dry. She could barely squeak out a meek, “Hi” as she stepped into the elevator. Beneath her suit, she could feel a rush of excitement, a slight shaking at the thought of Mike’s touch. As the elevator doors closed, she wished she had a drink to calm herself down.

“Going up…or…down?” teased Mike, his hazel eyes twinkling. He clearly knew what was going on in Carol’s mind. The truth is that he’d thought of her often, too, and fantasized about kissing her all over – especially her incredible legs. Mike looked her up and down, his mind went to the last time, how her long, muscular legs had wrapped around his waist and kept him close to her. He shook the thought from his head and let out a oft groan under his breath. He looked down and noticed the growing bulge in his pants. "Damn," he thought to himself, "she still has this effect on me."

“Up,” Carol responded, gazing soulfully from her sad, green eyes. “I’m going to the seventh floor.” “I’m going to the ninth,” Mike said as he pushed the buttons. Then, with the doors completely shut, the elevator began moving up. Mike put his hand over the Stop button. He turned toward her and smiled.

“How about splitting the difference?” he asked. He pushed the Stop button in, freezing the elevator car.

Carol was too shocked to answer, dropping everything she was holding on to the elevator floor. Her gaze told Mike everything he needed to know. “Yes,” came a whisper from her full, sweet lips. Mike pressed the button. Now that the elevator stopped moving, Carol began trembling. Mike moved close to her, his hand caressing her rich, brown hair. Without a word, he began kissing her softly on the lips. Quick, light kisses at first. Then harder, wetter kisses. As each kiss grew deeper, Carol could feel her nipples getting harder and her pussy beginning to throb. Carol grabbed his face and kept it close to hers. God, she had missed his lips so much. Mike pushed her against the wall, crushing her between it and his strong chest. Carol moaned into his mouth and pulled him closer. Mike obliged, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her tight against him, almost crushing her. 

Carol wasted no time in undoing his tie and shirt. Her hands found his bare chest and she melted against him. They had always been like this when they were together. Their hands could never stay to themselves. Carol threw his shirt on the floor and she pulled back from the kiss. Mike smirked at her and grabbed her jaw firmly. He stared into her eyes and gave that smile that made Carol go weak in the knees. Carol knew that look all too well. She squeezed her legs shut tight and rubbed them together.

Their clothes fell to the floor in a heap, leaving them naked, except for her blue lace boyshorts and his black boxers. Mike pressed on, looking longingly at her legs, kissing her along her neck, working his way toward her sweat-moistened breasts. All Carol could think about now was Mike, grabbing and feeling his large, growing package. The air in the elevator was getting thicker and hotter. The walls seemed to close in. Carol reached down and grabbed Mike’s engorged cock, squeezing it hard and rubbing it against her soaking clit.

All of a sudden, Mike did something Carol had never felt before. After he gently pulled off her blue lace boyshorts, she felt Mike’s two strong hands grab her waist and lift her up. With one quick motion, he flipped Carol so that each of her legs rested on his shoulders. She was upside down, staring straight at his magnificent cock – and he was aimed directly at her moist, gleaming pussy.

Standing upright in the elevator, both began licking and sucking each other with a vengeance. Suspended from his shoulders, upside down and sucking on Mike’s balls, Carol felt alive for the first time in months. She ran her mouth the length of his shaft, stopping momentarily at the tip to massage it with the full, flat surface of her tongue. With Mike’s massive arms holding her, Carol felt as if she were in a deliriously sensual free fall, but safe at the same time.

Both had been waiting so long for this moment – who knew when it could – or would -- ever happen again?

Mike’s legs were supporting them both, but he knew he couldn’t last forever. He drove his tongue deeply into Carol’s pussy. Carol swallowed the entire length of his cock into her warm, wet throat and let out a scream. Mike moaned and s he sucked her red, swollen clit, unleashed a torrent of cum into Carol’s mouth. Carol shook, shuddered and swallowed every drop.  She had forgotten just how sweet and salty Mike’s cum actually tasted.

With his last ounce of strength, Mike righted Carol and placed her gently on her feet. All was quiet now. Both were a little unsure of what had happened, but were glad that it finally did.

As he handed Carol her blue lace boyshorts, Mike looked at her with his kind, hazel eyes. “You know, I’ve been thinking about you for weeks now. It’s been driving me crazy. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know what to say or do when I finally saw you again. I've missed you...”

Carol put her finger on his lips and kissed his cheek. “Shhh,” she quietly said. “Me too.” Then with her beautiful green eyes welling with joyful tears - and the first smile she’d given in weeks - added: "I've missed you too.” They pulled on their clothing and dusted each other off.

“I guess being here in this elevator with you was how it was meant to be,” Carol winked as she hit the elevator’s up button. “I think you’re right,” chuckled Mike, putting his arm around her waist. 

Tired Kind of Day

I am exhausted right now. I have been up since early this morning. I didn't wake to my alarm though, honestly I didn't even hear it go off. No, I woke up to my sister screaming at the top of her lungs. So, instead of getting up, I just stood in bed and prayed the arguing would stop. This is nothing new, there has always been screaming going on in my family. I learned at a young age that screaming is the way to be heard in this family, I didn't adapt well to that. So I stood in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering when the screaming would stop. I stood in bed, even after hearing my Dad march his way down the stairs and scream at my sister. My dad is many things, a screamer is not really one of those things. He doesn't bother with the screaming until it hits his last nerve. I sighed and figured it was time to get up and start getting ready. I had the joy of a birthday party to attend.

My Dad has been recently trying to get us to mingle with his girlfriend's family. They already view my Dad as their step-dad, and tell everyone that. So, it was one of his "grandbabies" first birthdays, so we went. I stayed down stairs. I haven't been feeling festive these past few weeks. I have cancelled lunches with friends, days to hang out - honestly, it was the lack of money. But these past two weeks or so, it's because I just don't want much human contact. The human contact I do want, I can't have. On the bright side, my Dad's girlfriend introduced me to some members of her family that she had me tell me quick qualifications to and I built a small network at the party. This is awesome because since graduation in December 2011, I have not had luck with finding a job. The only thing is, if I manage to get a job, I can't leave. I'd have to stay in Chicago for a few more years, possibly longer than a few, and there goes my plans for getting out of the Midwest, away from everything I need to.

You see, my pain is located in the Midwest. I have many good memories, but the bad outweigh the good. I'm in a bit of a tough spot right now. I could spend the money and get what I need to possibly get a job here. Or I can try to get out of the Midwest, go where I want, and get a job.

On another note, my great-nephew is coming over again. And, Master seems busy tonight. So, I might sneak   Lil' Man (great-nephew) away for a while to hangout and relax with me. :) Or I might just work on a story I've been writing for a few days. Not sure yet

Exhuastion

The last few weeks have been a hard time for me. I have been going through a lot and felt like I lost the two most important people. I don't want to get into it, but I was told that if I wanted to get the chance to make it work with Master, and hopefully one day get a chance to possibly refill the role as his girlfriend, that I had to tell him everything about any past abuse. Let me start off by saying that this topic is one I try to avoid at all cost. I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and there are those who have seen how much of a bitch I can be, but I don't delve into this topic because it makes it hard to keep up with my bubbley exterior that so many people seem to prefer.

So, for about 2 hours I poured everything out that had every happened to me from 14 until 24. It felt great to finally tell someone all of this. I had bottled it all up inside, pushed people away when they pried. He did something different though, instead of coaxing me and pleading, he just told me to tell him everything, or else. And I rambled for the whole 2 hours. I was surprised that I had held the tears until the end, and I bawled all night. My body was aching, my chest was burning, my head was pounding. I had two anxiety attacks while trying to tell him my history, and he never once judged me. I had finally told someone everything that happened. Someone finally hear what my ex-husband had did to me, what I had gone through by myself all these years.

It hurt though, to tell my story. Because we're miles apart. I had to bare my soul, tell the whole story, and then just cry by myself while he was on the other side, typing away to me. The hardest part about opening up like this was I was afraid of the judgement. I had just told this man my deepest, darkest secrets that no one knew. With all the bad that has recently been happening, I was so glad to be telling him every thing. No matter what, he really is my best friend. I know that I am a pain in the ass, ask my family and they will tell you. I know that my bad side is ugly and almost relationship-damaging, but it's not who I am. I was dealt a bad hand through the years.

My past may be something bad, but it is mine to deal with. It has made me learn many things. I probably have a long way to go before I get through my insecurities and all my demons, but I'm glad I have someone willing to be there for me. Even if we're not where we once were, I couldn't stand not having him in my life right now.

So, Drake, if you're reading this I want you to know how much you mean to me. I have never felt more safe with anybody, never thought of a real future with anybody but you. I hope that I can keep working toward getting your trust again and maybe, just maybe, we can go on with the plans we once talked about.

Peering In

I held my great-nephew for the first time today. I mean, really held him. I held him close and he just stared up at me. I had sworn to myself I would not get attached to this child since his mother and I had always been at odds. But something came over me and I asked to take him for a few minutes. He was being fussy until I picked him up. He stared straight at me. This 2 week old little bundle instantly melted my heart. I rocked and walked him around the house before settling with him on my bed.

He just stared up at me. He kept staring into my eyes and tried to giggle (or made a sound like he did). I know why I needed to hold him. I just can't say it out loud. I have my reasons and they all broke my heart. I held this little boy for 30 minutes. We just relaxed on my bed and he stared at me, the tried to look around. His little hand grabbed my finger and held on for dear life. I have held many babies and many children before. It is not something new to me. It is second nature to pick these fragile creatures up and to cradle them close. My instinct is to hold them and never let them fall - no matter how much they may scream and cry, no matter how much they trash about and hurt me in the process. I have to hold on and let them get it out and they will settle down again.

This little guy though. It took everything in me not to hold him tighter and just cry. The way he held my finger and looked at me, my heart kept breaking and re-breaking. I felt like I wanted to die. To toss him away because he meant something that he shouldn't. I saw in him things that I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone.

And the one person I want to tell them to? Well, I messed that up. So I told the little man everything. I told him everything and he just squeezed tighter and looked at me. No judgement, no getting angry about not saying anything. He just listened. And I fell in love with this child again.

Me

I go by a variety of names, but around here – I’m known as Inu. Yes, I am a pup ( a non-sexual one at that so stop asking >-< ). I am currently collared. I am not just a pup though. It is just one role I serve to Him and it is one that helps me relaxe the most – so I identify as such.

I am currently going through a period of self-reflection and growth. I have been in the lifestyle for a while but am still trying to find my place. My life right now is a bit hectic and I am nowhere near where I had planned to be about a year ago. I am a college graduate. I have a B.A. in Social Work and minored in sociology. I am very into people. I like watching them and seeing how they act with and react to their enviornments. I am hopeful to go to grad school soon. I’m not 100% sure if I am going to stick with social work, but I know I want to do counseling of some sort. I started a small business that has kept me busy for the most part of the year. Online sales sucked but things seem to work out better in person. Am I going to continue with it? Probably. Just because it is something I do enjoy, it brings me a little more money to spend on bills, and it keeps me busy.

I am a self-defined dork. I’ve also been told by many others that I am too. I am a bit of a gamer. I love RPGs and strategy games. Not a big fan of FPS though.

let's see, I'm afraid to let anyone really close to me. Some have tried and almost succeeded but I push them away. I am filled with insecurities, abandonment issues an,d other problems that span back to childhood, yadda yadda. I have some mommy and lots of daddy issues. I keep secrets to protect myself. I have deep, dark secrets that I refuse to share, even with those closest to me, because I if I let them out, I'm afraid that I would not be able to bear that person leaving. Overall, I'm just a messed up person.

I have discovered the 'little' side to me and she helps me deal with my parental issues. I'm still scared for people to see that side of me and I have only let 2 people ever see that side of me. so yea....

Conflict of Heart

So, when I woke up, instead of letting my little out and greet her Daddy for the morning, I decided to let out the submissive in me. That part of me has been hiding for a few days, afraid to come out, afraid to have any sexual contact with the man we call Master. There was a big fight (my complete fault for it starting) so we have been on odd terms. The little has been out for the past few days and trying to win back her Daddy's heart. Is it working? Well I'm not sure. She gets responses here and there - though that could be because he's busy, but he doesn't say. It's hard for me though. I feel like I am separated from these roles that I have. I feel like an outsider in my own body and that these roles are just parts that are taking over. Yes, they are part of who I am, but it's strange for me.

The little is bright, bubbly, and just wants to make her Daddy proud and have him say "I love you" and tuck her in every night. She wants to be the princess and her Daddy to be the shining knight there to keep her safe. But even she is struggling and that's my fault. I feel like I am censoring her. She wants to cry - I tell her not to. She wants to run to her Daddy and beg him to tuck her in - I tell her that he is busy and she can do it herself. She loves Him completely and just wants to be near him all the time and make him happy. Yet, I am the one who is so scared that I pull her away. I am the one saying "Don't worry. Don't be sad if he doesn't reply back. Don't be sad if he doesn't say goodnight". And I can feel the big sad eyes of this little child inside me growing and looking at me with anger as if she's saying "Why wouldn't he answer me back? He's my Daddy and he loves me!" I wish I could be more like this little girl. I'm so afraid to love someone completely and let them see me but she doesn't. She runs through her day and as soon as Daddy is home, anything that went wrong is all gone with a simple hug and a kiss to the forehead.

Then there is Inu. Inu is the pup in me. She is excitable, loving, hyper, and a major all of fluff. Her days always consisted of being fed, taken for walks, played around with, and petted until she fell asleep. Then I opened my big mouth and took that away from her. I have essentially kenneled the part of me that keeps me going day to day. It is her excitement of seeing her Owner and getting to play and go out for walks with Him that was the reason I would get up in the morning and do what I needed to during the day. Now, it feels like I have locked Inu away in a cage and she has been pawing and crying to get out. But I felt the need to ignore her. It felt wrong to let her out because I wasn't sure where Master and I stood. So, she is still locked up and cries every time I think of him. And my heart breaks each time. But I still don't let her out. When things are better, she will get to come out.

The submissive is the last part. She is the one I decided to let out for a while today, just to see how things would go. It has only been a few days since the argument, yet it feels like it has been months. My sub-mind can't seem to get back into the swing of things either. I know that I know all the rituals and things to make Master happy, but I am doubtful of if I can do them. I have been wanting Master for days, but knew I had no right to even request time alone with him. I felt I had no right to be sexually released, so I have bottled it all away. It hurts every time I bottle more away. It makes me afraid that the next time I get to play (whenever that may be), it will be so intense I will have another sub-drop and another argument will ensue - this time, there is no more getting Master back. So I hold it in, and use that energy else where. Nights are the worst time though because it has always been our time to talk and relax from the day's events.

Now? Well, I let the little run around and see if she can use the energy. But it's the 'nilla side of me that pulls that energy back and tells her to calm down. To leave her Daddy alone and let him finish his work. I am letting the submissive out for the day to see what happens. So far, He has responded  well to the little being out, but I'm not sure about what will happen. Maybe I'll be able to let Inu out to see her Owner, but I don't know. She is so ready to see him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready if He decides to ignore her. Only time will tell.

This time, though, I have to be completely perfect.