Frustrated.

I am utterly torn in my mind right now. It has been some time since I felt my mind wage war against itself as it tries to sort and process feelings and actions. These past few weeks are a blur in my mind. I had playtime a while back and we did things that I normally would not have done. I pushed my limits and gave into my curiosities. I've barely begun to bounce back from the drop I had after.

Now things just feel weird to me. Something clicked in my head (or unclicked) and I'm questioning everything. I really hate not knowing where I stand with people. I have friends with benefits that I know exactly where I stand - I can go to them with any problem and they will help me because they're my close friends, this includes the need for sex lol. I know my standing with them, I know they get to play with whoever else they want in the same way that I can. It's when I don't know and no boundaries have been established that my mind starts to freak out.

Maybe I'm just not finding the right people or I'm settling. I just can't stand when I meet people and immediately all they talk about is bringing more people into play times. It's like, "Excuse me, but we just met. We haven't even played yet and you want more people involved?" It feeds into the demons in my head. I seem to be attracting those who want to be poly, but only THEY can be poly. And if I decide I want to be, there is a stipulation that it can only be with other women, whereas they can be with women too. So how is that fair? I can't get close to someone of the opposite sex but you can? Uggggg

Maybe I'm over thinking things. I just need to take a step back and collect myself once more.