Christmas Morning sadness

It's now Christmas. I'm sitting in an apartment, my roommate across the living room typing away on her laptop...and I feel so dang alone. I know I haven't been updating, I need to start getting back into that habit because it helped me so much to get things out and have people message me with their support.

So, remember that poly relationship I was in? Yea, it's no more. It didn't last very long, I don't really care to get into it but I didn't like how I was being taken advantage of and not having my needs met and having guilt pushed on me for finally getting a social life. In the end, it was best I ended things with both of them. It hurt so much, and it still does.

Also, I celebrated a year anniversary with Daddy...and recently had to part ways. He started dating someone that I still have mixed feelings about. I talked about this person before I think...the person my ex-"Dom" started a relationship with and then proceeded to leave me for, yea, that person. And I get the whole moving on with life and forgive, but don't forget. Except...I have a hard time forgiving completely. That event devastated me and drove me to almost committing suicide a few times, but I didn't because Daddy would have been so hurt. And now they're dating. It was already bad enough that I felt I wasn't getting as much attention as I used to. I was trying to keep in contact with Daddy, sending him texts, cute pictures, little care boxes, letters, etc. But it seemed that wasn't enough. Since my computer had died and I couldn't get on our normal chat client, it felt as if I was slowly being forgotten, and this happened. I think I could have braved it, but I will say it over and over again, I CANNOT SHARE MY DADDY!!! I just can't. So when I get a message about him and Ki (the other person) dating and Ki refers to him as his "papa"...I started crying like you wouldn't believe. I fell apart at work and I tried to explain how I was scared and that I was still weary because of the Ex-event. And I KNOW he isn't like my ex, but it hurted just the same. I haven't talked to either since then. Ki has since deleted me from his social media sites, which I'm oddly ok with now.

There is someone else in my life, and he's super great. The problem is, I still feel empty. No matter what I've tried, I can't seem to fill it by myself. I took up sewing again, started drawing, wrote more stories, kept a schedule of going to the gym...and I feel so dang empty still.

Updated

Wow it's been a while since I last posted. There are many updates that I have in store for you. Ya'll know about the google and adult blogs drama, so I don't need to go into that. It didn't affect me, but if things keep going the way they are in Internet Land, they soon will. I'm just working my way through, still finding a place to settle down and call my "blog home". It seems that no matter where I write, I end up getting this feeling like I need to censor myself because of what my readers may think.

I have a new tumblr. Well I have a few actually. One is for my more vanilla life, I have one dedicated to just my stories and poems, and then another to my kink life. If anyone is interested, I can always link ya to them.

Things have really changed for me lately. I'm back in a poly relationship. It's so weird that I was willing to try again, given my last crack at it. But it's great so far. Wolf is younger but hey, who cares! Him and Kitten are so wonderful. It's still a new relationship and we're all trying to settle down and find our roles, but I have a feeling this one will last. I've become super protective of the two, even though I'm only in a relationship with Wolf.

Also, I moved to Arizona and am now looking for work out here. It's a good change for me. I"m sad to be so far from Wolf, but it's for the best right now. I need to get my life on track and start saving for a decent future for us. Well that's it for now. Time for dinner!

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Thank you for caring. You saw that things were hard for me. You knew before anyone else that I was falling and you were there to catch me. It's hard not being able to talk to you a lot, but I know why. Things are hectic on both our sides so I cherish all the time we do get to talk. You are the best Daddy ever and I never tell you enough how much you mean to me. You are the reason I keep going and pushing myself to do better and climb out of my hole. Our relationship is weird to so many people but I don't care. I think it's fun to watch people figure out how you can be my Daddy Dom without ever being sexual or romantic with me. :)

You've been one of my best friends since high school. I could tell you anything and you never judged me for it. You were always there to help me with my art classes and help me get better. I was confident in my skills because you helped me. Then we lived together when I moved to Wisconsin. And although we may have all had our disagreements, I loved every moment of living with you and Papa Bear! You two were the best company I had in the apartment.

You and I go way back Daddy, and even when we didn't know what it was, you always watched over me. You made sure people didn't pick on me, that I was eating, that I was ready for practice. You were the only one to see me cry when we got the news about my friend David getting shot during out Junior year. You were the first to see my breakdown when we learned about Juan getting killed. I remember you, Papa Bear, dickwad, and I going to the mall and you constantly nagging me about eating so many gummi bears and not sharing.

Sometimes, I wish I could explain better just what you mean to me but I'm always at a loss of words. No matter what happens, I know you'll be there to catch me before I hit bottom. You are forever my Daddy and you will be the only one. Sometimes I wish I could just climb through the screen and curl into your arms, but just knowing you're a text away helps so much. I hope to always make you proud to call me your sweetpea.

Daddy, you will always be the King who shields my heart from all the wayward knights trying to steal it away. Thank you for being such a wonderful man. I love you Daddy <3

Addy