Be My Sweet Addiction - a Poem

Be my sweet addiction
Let me have just one more taste
Take my mind, make it yours

Be my sweet addiction
I just need one more hit.
Use my body, brand it yours

Be my sweet addiction
Never let me go.

I don't know...

As you can tell, I took a small break from posting here. I had a lot of things I needed to address and I needed to catch up on some writing and other projects I had been putting off. I've also been trying to keep some distance from the internet, just because I know I will get the temptation to peak in on my old Master and see how is he doing. Instead, I've gotten back into writing letters to friends and working on my Photoshop skills. I've been living in my own little bubble lately and have felt awesome! I've started to reconnect with friends that I ignored while in a relationship and tried to repair a few that fell to shambles because I shunted them to the side and took my ex's side in an argument between the two. Looking back, it was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.

I've also been trying to clear my head. I really needed this time to step back and think about what I was doing with my life. Things still aren't anywhere near where I would like it to be, but they're moving along. I've  also been thinking about things that have to do with the lifestyle. What is it that I am looking for in a Dominant? What kind of relationship do I really want? What things do I need or want to be happy?

These keep running through my mind and it is taking me a while to come up with answers. Usually not knowing the answers would make me nervous. This time around, I don't want to know the answers yet. I want to really explore. I'm tired of doing thing the "right" way instead of MY WAY. This isn't Wonderland, there is no Queen of Hearts around threatening to off my head.

On the other hand, I get moments where I feel lonely and wonder if it would have been better to just cave in and change to how my ex wanted me. I wonder if it would have been better to push through with what I was dealing with and just ignore how miserable and isolated I was feeling. I still get times where I miss him and wonder if he even misses me. I mean, he moved on quickly, and that stings so much. It makes me wonder what I actually meant to have been forgotten so quickly.

I realized something today....

I want to play with fears and roles and identity and worth and and a million other psychological aspects of myself. I want to feel secure in that no matter what surprising, frightening, vulnerable, ugly or scarred aspects of me are discovered, that I will still be valued, wanted and loved. I want to feel free to surrender. I don't want to be forced to surrender. I don't want to be shunned aside as a "drama queen". And that terrifies me. You have no idea how much that terrifies me. Surrendering? Giving up control?? Relying on someone else?!? When everything in my life has taught me that others desert me? When life has SHOWN me that others will leave when I open the curtain into the dark hole of my mind? It fucking terrifies me, and I'm ok with that.