Life Keeps Moving

I really should get back into the habit of writing on my blog. It seems since moving in with my new roommate, I have no real place to vent besides my blog and tumblr. She has me friended on almost all my social media sites, so I can't be as open as I'd like, especially if it's because I'm upset or angry with her. She's really not a bad person and I don't have much bad to say about here but there are some things that she does that she is set in her ways about, even when I mention them to her and tell them that they upset me.

On the brightside, we will be moving soon. I will finally be getting my own room! It's stressful though because I've been putting all my money towards the current apartment and helping the roommate get caught up with her bills. But it seems when I am getting short on money or telling people that I am hoping I can afford I can pay my bills for the month, I get scolded about buying things that are "unnecessary". It jut ticks me off. Thankfully the roommate finally as a job and will be able to afford half the apartment bills and I won't have to fork over more. It will be nice to have extra money to save up and get a car (finally) and get a plane ticket to visit back home.


It will be nice to have my own room finally, I can actually close the door and have my own private space. A close friend is very nice and letting me have his old king size bed and frame, so I don't have to go out and get one! That's going to save me so much. I already have a dresser, and I bought a cutting table for my sewing stuff. I'm pretty much all set on furniture for myself now. The other positive about this move is that I can finally start camming for money. I was going to do it before but I had no private space, someone was always home (and my old roommies were very judgemental about sexual activities), and I will have a brand new computer soon!

That reminds me, I will be starting school this thursday. I signed up to take online classes and am going for my Master's Degree. I figured that I should go back. It gives me something to do and occupies my time. So yea...that's about all there is new. I promise to get posting more, I will be scheduling it, along with work, school, camming, sewing, and my social life lol.

<3

Christmas Morning sadness

It's now Christmas. I'm sitting in an apartment, my roommate across the living room typing away on her laptop...and I feel so dang alone. I know I haven't been updating, I need to start getting back into that habit because it helped me so much to get things out and have people message me with their support.

So, remember that poly relationship I was in? Yea, it's no more. It didn't last very long, I don't really care to get into it but I didn't like how I was being taken advantage of and not having my needs met and having guilt pushed on me for finally getting a social life. In the end, it was best I ended things with both of them. It hurt so much, and it still does.

Also, I celebrated a year anniversary with Daddy...and recently had to part ways. He started dating someone that I still have mixed feelings about. I talked about this person before I think...the person my ex-"Dom" started a relationship with and then proceeded to leave me for, yea, that person. And I get the whole moving on with life and forgive, but don't forget. Except...I have a hard time forgiving completely. That event devastated me and drove me to almost committing suicide a few times, but I didn't because Daddy would have been so hurt. And now they're dating. It was already bad enough that I felt I wasn't getting as much attention as I used to. I was trying to keep in contact with Daddy, sending him texts, cute pictures, little care boxes, letters, etc. But it seemed that wasn't enough. Since my computer had died and I couldn't get on our normal chat client, it felt as if I was slowly being forgotten, and this happened. I think I could have braved it, but I will say it over and over again, I CANNOT SHARE MY DADDY!!! I just can't. So when I get a message about him and Ki (the other person) dating and Ki refers to him as his "papa"...I started crying like you wouldn't believe. I fell apart at work and I tried to explain how I was scared and that I was still weary because of the Ex-event. And I KNOW he isn't like my ex, but it hurted just the same. I haven't talked to either since then. Ki has since deleted me from his social media sites, which I'm oddly ok with now.

There is someone else in my life, and he's super great. The problem is, I still feel empty. No matter what I've tried, I can't seem to fill it by myself. I took up sewing again, started drawing, wrote more stories, kept a schedule of going to the gym...and I feel so dang empty still.

Updated

Wow it's been a while since I last posted. There are many updates that I have in store for you. Ya'll know about the google and adult blogs drama, so I don't need to go into that. It didn't affect me, but if things keep going the way they are in Internet Land, they soon will. I'm just working my way through, still finding a place to settle down and call my "blog home". It seems that no matter where I write, I end up getting this feeling like I need to censor myself because of what my readers may think.

I have a new tumblr. Well I have a few actually. One is for my more vanilla life, I have one dedicated to just my stories and poems, and then another to my kink life. If anyone is interested, I can always link ya to them.

Things have really changed for me lately. I'm back in a poly relationship. It's so weird that I was willing to try again, given my last crack at it. But it's great so far. Wolf is younger but hey, who cares! Him and Kitten are so wonderful. It's still a new relationship and we're all trying to settle down and find our roles, but I have a feeling this one will last. I've become super protective of the two, even though I'm only in a relationship with Wolf.

Also, I moved to Arizona and am now looking for work out here. It's a good change for me. I"m sad to be so far from Wolf, but it's for the best right now. I need to get my life on track and start saving for a decent future for us. Well that's it for now. Time for dinner!

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Thank you for caring. You saw that things were hard for me. You knew before anyone else that I was falling and you were there to catch me. It's hard not being able to talk to you a lot, but I know why. Things are hectic on both our sides so I cherish all the time we do get to talk. You are the best Daddy ever and I never tell you enough how much you mean to me. You are the reason I keep going and pushing myself to do better and climb out of my hole. Our relationship is weird to so many people but I don't care. I think it's fun to watch people figure out how you can be my Daddy Dom without ever being sexual or romantic with me. :)

You've been one of my best friends since high school. I could tell you anything and you never judged me for it. You were always there to help me with my art classes and help me get better. I was confident in my skills because you helped me. Then we lived together when I moved to Wisconsin. And although we may have all had our disagreements, I loved every moment of living with you and Papa Bear! You two were the best company I had in the apartment.

You and I go way back Daddy, and even when we didn't know what it was, you always watched over me. You made sure people didn't pick on me, that I was eating, that I was ready for practice. You were the only one to see me cry when we got the news about my friend David getting shot during out Junior year. You were the first to see my breakdown when we learned about Juan getting killed. I remember you, Papa Bear, dickwad, and I going to the mall and you constantly nagging me about eating so many gummi bears and not sharing.

Sometimes, I wish I could explain better just what you mean to me but I'm always at a loss of words. No matter what happens, I know you'll be there to catch me before I hit bottom. You are forever my Daddy and you will be the only one. Sometimes I wish I could just climb through the screen and curl into your arms, but just knowing you're a text away helps so much. I hope to always make you proud to call me your sweetpea.

Daddy, you will always be the King who shields my heart from all the wayward knights trying to steal it away. Thank you for being such a wonderful man. I love you Daddy <3

Addy

Application for a Piece of Ass - Currently Open

So I'm bored today and don't have much to say. There will be a Poly Prom this friday, and I'll be spending the weekend at a friend's house for some play time. Otherwise, here's a fun application. I'm currently accepting apps ;) hehehe

Still shivering

So the miraculous happened the other day...I'm still in a bit of shock that it did.It was date number two and I wasn't sure what to expect. J came over and look dashing, even in a tshirt and jeans. My face lit up, but I hid it pretty well. Our first date had been low key and awesome, so I had hoped that it would be just as great.

It turned out awesome. We watched movies, chatted a bit, and cuddled. I was able to behave for a long while before the urge to kiss him got to be too much. His kisses were awesome, they were gentle yet passionate, they captivated me. I was able to hold off for a lot longer than I thought. We made out like teenagers, it was awesome. Midway through the movie, he had me take my shirt off. He didn't really do anything, he just trailed his fingers along my arms and tummy. I told him I felt iffy about having my tummy touched because of my insecurities, but he was a great guy about it. Then...of his shirt went. Then my skirt...and then he started to tease me.

Let me start by saying, those who have played with me or seen me play before know I have a HARD time being quiet. I just can't be, I'm not programmed that way. I moan, I gasp, I fucking scream..and loud. Also, I'm sensitive to touches. I love nothing more than having fingers trailed across my bare skin. I melt and go into my own space, floating away to joy.

Yet, J was able to get me to be quiet. It was the way his words rolled off his tongue, how he breathed them into my ear. "Turn, watch the movie, and be quiet. I don't want to hear a noise out of you." So I turned to watch the movie and his arms snaked around me. For a minute, I thought he just wanted us to finish the movie, but I was wrong. His touches were just the right mixture of a determined touch, fleeting softly across my skin. I almost gasped but bit down on my lip. I knew that if I failed, the touching would stop.

The next thing I know, I am off in my happy space, I've orgasmed twice, and I had yet to make a noise (I almost made my lip bleed though). So J learned in, kissed my ear and told me something I had been craving to hear for months "Good girl. I'm proud of you" I melted against him and I couldn't take it, my lips were pressed to his.

The rest of the night was wonderful. I won't say the details, but it put a huge smile on my face. It was exactly what I needed. And J ended up making me a squirming, hyper-sensitive, babbling girl who curled into a ball and all he did was stroke my back and whisper into my ear until I recovered.

Thinking back to the other day, I still smile. I still can feel his breath on my neck, his lips kissing all the right places, and his fingers gliding over my skin...I can feel his body on mine, I can hear him whispering in my ear...and I am forced to hold on, close my eyes, and bite down on my lip.

Did I mention that he's mostly vanilla...

Day 2

Nine things about yourself

• I’m 5’8” – tall for one side of my family and short for the other side
• I will have been married for 5 years August 2013. (ugggggg I wish it was over!)
• I puff my cheeks up when bored.
• I stare out the window when I think
• I have a hard time falling asleep without the feelings of an arm around me
• I really like the feeling of someone being on top of me
• I find it really hard to be mean to people, even when they deserve it
• I’m horrible at letting people go from my life
• I am scared of deep waters

Day 1

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:

1. I wish you would hurry up and get out of my life. Every time I get close to getting rid of you, you go into hiding like a coward. You want to marry the chic, fine. But you have to get through with something else first.  Stop spreading lies and blaming bullshit on me. I didn’t leave because I had someone else; I left you because you were an abusive, alcoholic, cheating prick. Honestly, I don’t care about you. I’m just tired of having your last name.

2. You make me so confused. I really don’t know whether to let you more into my life or push you away. I try my best to keep in contact and be a friend, but from your end it’s always iffy. I really wish you would just lay it out what kind of friendship you want this to be, if one at all.

3. No words can truly explain what you mean to me. You picked me up when I was at my weakest and was falling fast. It was because of you that I didn't break worse than I did; it was because of you that I refused to start cutting again and learned to find new coping mechanisms. You are such a great person and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You really are my best friend <3

4. You are a wonderful young woman. It has been a joy to call you a friend. I have had so many good times hanging out with you.  There are days we want to choke each other out, but that tends to end in laughter too. I’m so happy that the few seconds of courage I had to message you has proven to be one of the best things I have ever done. I will always see you as my little sister and I will protect you as one to.

5. I wasn’t sure what to think of you when we first met but I am so glad we did. I was honestly a bit intimidated by you but that went away when I got to hear you joke around with everyone. I feel so blessed to be your friend and that you have accepted me as one of your sisters. Although I’m moving away, don’t think this will change anything! I will come back to visit and you are always going to be on the list of the first people I come back to see! <3

6.  You are the most wonderful Bibi that anyone can have. You have been in my life for a few years and have proven over and over that you’re not going to leave. I know that you are the one person I can run to for ANYTHING and you will be there to scold me if I’ve been bad, then protect me, and devise a plan to get back at those who wronged me. Even if it’s all in jest, it’s nice to know that someone will be my partner in crime.

7.  You make me so confused too. I don’t know what to make of you; I don’t think I ever have. I want to be a friend to you, and I do try, but I’m not sure if it does any good. It’s amusing to me that I gave you a title and you seem to follow it just like the biological ones in my life.

8.  You are one of my best friends and I love the relationship we have. I can actually tell you anything and you might tease me about it, but you pass no judgment on me.  I know I can open up to you more, I know you know that too. I’m just thankful you have never rushed me to do so. I am forever thankful you started hanging out in my dorm room, even if it was to hang with the roommate to begin with. I just wish we got to know each other better while I was on campus. Better late than never though right?

9. You scared me when we met, but you know that. You’re one of my best friends and I LOVE how we understand each other. I think it’s awesome that we both know that just how long we can stand each other before the urge to kill each other sets in.  We know what to expect from each other and you are one constant in my life. I know I can run to you and hide when the world seems to crash down and you will be there with food, liquor, cuddles, and scritches. You know exactly how to pull out the happy me again, even when I don’t know where that part is.

10. Your positive outlook on life is contagious! A chance meeting at GD2 proved to lead to a great friendship. I knew you were awesome the first day we talked and I’m really glad we continued to talk. I wish we had hung out more while you were in Chicago and got to play again, but the time we had together I will cherish. I look forward to seeing you again.

Sick

I just don't know what to do. This cold/flu is getting to me. Every time I think I'm getting better, something else appears and I'm forced back into bed, shuddering in pain. All I want to do is curl up next to someone and be petted to sleep. I really don't like when I get this sick. I can usually handle it. I don't really get what's different this time. I feel my depression creeping on and it's so much worse. Everything that's happening, it's hitting me hard and I have no idea what to do.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Baby tie the rope around my neck
Lead me to my destruction
Don't know how much time will pass
Just let it feel like forever
You don't want to hurt me
Life's too short to even care
Wrap your hands around my neck
Tight. Tight. Tight.
Lick your lips
It's time to go
Down the Rabbit Hole.

A Poem for You

Let me kneel on the floor

Let me be your dirty whore

Legs wide opened

Mouth gagged shut

Please Sir

I just want to fuck

Lay me down

Tie me up

Tell me I’m your little slut
Grab my hair
Force me down
Black and blue
Make me swoon


Let me be your sexy play toy
Dress me up
Rip my clothes
Grab my hair
Tell me I'm yours
Fuck me rough
Fuck me hard
Tie the rope around my neck
Fuck me til you cum.

A weekend in review

I finally went to my first anime convention this weekend and boy, was it a bit overwhelming. For those who may not know, or may not have guessed it, I have social anxiety. I know I hide it really well and people think that I'm awesome in crowds. To an extent I am. I can also fake not being petrified, but deep down inside I am ready to run screaming. So, going to this convention was a bit too much for me, especially because I was by myself. If I have someone next to me most of the day, I'm OK because I can talk to them and ignore the crowd surrounding me. But, I was on my own!

The first day was good, I only had two small breakdowns (actually that is fucking awesome considering the number of times I was close to tears). I ended up finding a small, quiet corner and just sat down and closed my eyes. I ended up constantly texting people, so if you were one of the people I was sending message after message to, well I'm sending you a big thank you if you replied because you actually prevented me from furthering my freakouts. It also helped that I ran into one of my Kenosha Boys at con and kind of buried my face in his chest for about 5 minutes while he hugged me.


Saturday was much better for me. I ran into people I actually knew and got a few hugs. I went to some panels, made a few new friends. Then went to the burlesque show and it was AMAZINGLY awwweessoooome! :D I had a few mini meltdowns but I got the best hug from Uncle.

The last day was honestly the best for me. Though, to be fair, I was in little-mode as soon as I set foot there. I think that's the only way I was able to stay awake and not freak out at all. I ran into my amazing friend who I haven't seen since high school and spent the whole day with her. I haven't laughed like that in a while. Also, we got to talk about how much we've grown but haven't really changed. Things I had forgot about were talked about. Heck, Uncle even got to kinda hear how I was pre-kink lol. Hearing the small stories made me realize how much I have actually changed in the past few years.

Next time, I will be sure to bring someone with me or not go. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people and being around people. I honestly like conventions of all sorts, it's just that I've always had social anxieties. There is too much stimuli for my brain to take in and too much too fast...well I start closing down and a break down starts. The best way for me to stop that from happening and get back to reality is a hug. I mean, a tug of the hair or slap would work too, but those produce a different result :P

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator Results

Partner orientation Submissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you. Arousal method Imagination: You indicated that you are usually aroused through erotic thoughts and fantasies. Pleasure Physical: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through heightened physical sensations. Sexual encounters Adventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.  Tends to rely on their imagination for their arousal. Fantasy and physical sensations are preferred as their primary means of experiencing pleasure and satisfaction in the relationship. Have unusual ability to focus internally while remaining flexible and adaptable to their partner's desires.

What Am I Looking for?

This question seems to pop up a lot. I'm constantly asked it when trying to get general information about certain fetishes and ideas. I get this question when guys message me. So, what is it that I want? It's taken me some time to really think about this and this is what I've come up with so far. I'm sure I will be constantly updating this one post or putting up new ones as my ideas change.

As of now, these are the things I’m looking for with different relationships.

What am I looking for - in Friendships

- Someone(s) who I can just hang out with.

- Someone(s) who is a bit geeky so that we can geek out together! :D

- Loyalty - there is nothing suckier than realizing someone who you thought was a friend is not only willing to stab you in the back, but will also rub salt deep into the wound and attempt to rinse it with lemon juice.

- Realizing that fun times that can be done cheaply. There is no need to spend tons of money on nights out. A great friend is one who enjoys the random times at a park on the swings, or dancing in the street to random music.

I would love to have a group of friends that I feel completely comfortable with. Friends are my chosen family, the ones I go to for a shoulder to lean on and with fantastic news to share. They are the ones who keep me going and keep me smiling my brightest. 

What am I looking for - in a Relationship

- something that is non-monogamous. I love the thought of having that one person that I can always go home to and curl in bed with and just know that no matter what, they're there for me. That is a beautiful thought. However, I love the freedom of being able to go out and do things with other people. I like new experiences with new people. If my partner wants to watch, that’s awesome. If they want to join, even better! I get that this type of relationship isn't for everyone. I've tried the full monogamy relationship multiple times and I've come to terms that it is just not for me. 

Also, I can't do vanilla relationships. They do nothing but leave me feeling unfulfilled and wanting something more. In a perfect world I would have a loving Daddy, who would also be my Handler while I engage in pup play, and who would be a sick bastard when I'm craving days to be completely used and beaten until I am lying in a puddle of sweat, tears, and maybe even a bit of blood. I get that this is may be unlikely to have this all in one person, but it's something that I crave. I don't want to be the dominate one in a relationship. I've done that before, it really isn't me. 

What am I looking for - in Play Partners

-         Please be willing to meet in a very public place if we have not met yet. There are very few times where I am willing to meet with someone without doing this.

-         Do not expect anyone listed on my profile to be included in our play session!

-         Be willing to talk about things before hand. Limits need to be discussed and expectations should be laid out before anything happens.

-         Be ok with the fact that our play session may only be a one-time thing

Well this is all for now. Like I’ve said before, I will be updating this because I realize that I will continue to change and grow as a person and that my needs will change along with this. 

Big News

So, today was a wonderful day for me. Actually beyond wonderful. I got to hang out with two of my favorite people and chill, help out, and watch a great movie. I also got to break some news and now that I have broken the news in person to these people, I can break the news here...

It's a mix of good and bad (depending on who you ask). This is one of the harder things I will write because it's still settling in my mind. But July will be my last month in Chicago. I'm not 100% sure on the exact day I'm leaving, but as of July 2013 - I will be moving to Arizona. I have my reasons and a move has been in the making for many years, but I was always too scared to do it. Now, I've made up my mind. It sucks at the timing because I feel I was just starting to get close to more people and really open up.

I have been doing my best to hold back my tears when I talk about it, but as it becomes more apparent and I'm starting to sort through things and figure out what I'm taking, it's harder to hold them back. So, if I ask you for a day to hang out, please realize that you mean something to me and I am trying to start my good-bye process with you. As it gets closer to that day, it will be harder for me to see people and that's why I will be starting soon.

I'm not sure if I will be having a going away party. I've never been good with them. I've always been one to sneak away in the middle of the night and never be seen from again. I'm trying not to do that though. So many of you have become important to me that I could never just disappear from you. Despite up and downs, despite how uncertain our relations are to one another, despite any hurt there might be - there are a few of you that I love with all my heart and I want to spend time with you and clear the air.

I posted this on my Fetlife and I feel more comfortable continuing on here. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Not only am I moving and leaving my life in Chicago behind, but I'm going by myself. I have always had a significant other waiting for me when I thought I was moving, but this time is different. I'll be staying with a friend and his wife, but I am on my own. I will have no real family to call up if I'm in trouble. I will have no one there to cuddle with and who will give me a kiss on the forehead when I need it badly. I get that some people are going to be a phone call or a text away to talk to, and that helps immensely, but there will be no one else there. I have to start from scratch again. Just as I'm getting settled in and finding my place in a group of friends, I am leaving. I wonder if that's the best.

This is a big, scary step for me. But I know that I need to do this. 

Quick Update

This is just a quick update since I haven't been writing as much. So many things have been  happening to me that I just haven't had time to do anything else. I really have nothing to talk about; I've slowly been pulling away from kink-related things. I've become weary of the males in the scene who seem to want one thing and one thing only; and it's something I'm tired of fighting off. I want something more. Something many seem to not want to have.

I noticed that I'm also pulling away from friends, but I have no real will to stop and fix that. I am tired of going out and meeting people to do things. I'm tired of one-sided "friendships". I just feel like crap.

On a good note, I had an interview early last week. I think it went really well and my sis-in-law (who works for the agency) said that there is a high chance I have the job. So I'm really happy, especially if I get this! That's really all. I'm tired and my brain doesn't want to work lol

Second Chances

Recently, someone who was once very close to me came back into my life. I wasn't expecting it at all. The thing is, we left off on bad terms. Things were said and things were done that severely hurt me emotionally. I had been angry at him for so long too, wondering if I meant nothing to him the whole time we were friends. Then I heard that he gotten out of a relationship and part of me wanted to laugh because it was that relationship starting that caused me so much pain and isolation. I wanted to laugh at his pain, but I couldn't. I was so afraid that he would message me and I would explode in anger. I was staying away from everything that I knew he could contact me on, but somehow I let my guard down and there it was, a message on facebook. I almost didn't read it. I wanted so badly to ignore it but I answered.

For a few moments, the anger rose. I did my best to keep my cool but just getting that message shook me up and I finally started to cry. I'm not one for tears usually. I do my best to hold them all in and put on the strong face for everyone. So we talked for a bit and I let out some anger, but it was still growing. Anger started to turn to frustration - frustration that the best friendship I had wasn't ever going to be the same. Frustration that I had let people get so close to me and that being so close to these two people had been turned against me. So, I did the logical thing and kept talking. And more information came out. At the time, I thought my ex was a great guy (which he was for a while) but it was after talking to this friend and my Daddy that it REALLY started to sink in the things he did. So after a few more hours of talking, I couldn't be mad.

See, I wasn't really mad at my friend, upset - yes. But that had long been gone. I was more upset that old wounds were being opened. Wounds that I had closed up sloppily. So now, the wounds were reopened, and I am having the chance to let them heal properly. I sat in my chair, staring at my screen and just cried like I hadn't done in months. I realized everything I had been doing up until this point was to make me feel like my old self and none of it helped. For the few who know me very well, I've been fucking miserable these past 6 months. I've had lots of great days that have kept me going, but there was always something missing. I forced many smiles, forced myself out to meet new people, drank to mask pain that I didn't want to admit was there... I have been even more miserable wondering what the hell was going on in my life and why, every time I thought I was getting close to someone and ready to let them see the real me, I started to be ignored and pushed aside. I was so ready to be done with people in general and to just leave. Then he shows up and I started to come alive again. It's weird what one person can do to you in a matter of a few days.


Now I get a second chance. I get a second chance to talk about what I went through and get his side of the story. I get to see that I wasn't the only one hurting and trying to reach out to the other, but there was someone we both were scared of angering. I get a second chance to clean out the wounds and let them heal slowly and properly. Now, I'm not scared to lower the castle bridge and let people in more freely. Because I have my friend back, the one who was in my corner. The one who understands me more than most people because we think so similarly. I have my friend back and this time, we've learned and grown. This time, we'll be smarter and have our eyes open.

I have my friend back and I finally can really smile.

Taken By Many - Probably Not what you think

It's taken me a bit to write about this but there are things I want to say about a few people in my life. Some of them aren't on this site but I got permission to post this up here. This isn't even a complete list yet. I have gotten emotional while writing this so it will take me some time to completely finish this. So until then, enjoy this current work in progress :)

I have come to realize that my heart has been taken. There is a special lady, my Bibi, my best friend. It was by chance that we met. It was on IMVU of all places. For some time, I created things for that site to get some cash and kill time while I was in school. I was ok at it and knew how to really get things done. She was looking for someone to help her. So I volunteered. We talked every day and I would give her tips. Over time, conversations became less about making things and more about learning about each other. Slowly, my Bibi made her ninja way through my castle and found my heart. This is a hard task for many people because I push and I push hard. But, being Bibi, she snickered at the challenge and somehow found the map. This chic is a true damn ninja! It's taken her a few years now but she made her way through the maze. Once she was in, she didn't take advantage of it. She could have grabbed my heart and slowly crushed it. Instead, she's been guarding it. She found my heart and started to nurse it back to health, much like a bird with a broken wing. When I was ready, she watched me carefully and let me test the waters. When I thought I could fly to the sun and came crashing down, it was my Bibi that was there, running to catch me as I fell and nurse me back to my feet.

Then there is my Daddy, Joii. Joii has been in my life since high school. He's one of 2 people I talk to on a constant basis from that time. Joii has seen me at my absolute best and my absolute worst. He has always been there for me, even when we argued and I pushed him away, he was there. Joii is more than my best friend, he's my Daddy. Joii was one of the few to visit me in college and we have lived together before. Looking back, even then Joii was protective of me. We have had all different types of relationships. I am so glad we have known each other this long and that he continues to be in my life. I have written so much about him before but it still isn't enough to truly express what this man means to me. I tell him everything. He was the first person I told about the night terrors and the reasons I was going days without sleep. He was the person I willingly told about some things that had happened throughout my life. He never once prodded or gave me an ultimatum to tell him. He just opened his arms and let me move at my own pace. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a Daddy. There is so much I could say about him, but it would take so much space and I'd get to emotional, I probably wouldn't finish :P

Then there is D & A (I don't want to use their real names), sometimes referred to as my "Kenosha Boys" (only one lives there though lol). I met both these guys in college and, although we rarely talked, we were still friends and the conversations were always awesome. I met D while learning to play D&D. It started off with me being afraid of him because of my roommate's accounts (she was his ex). But as I got to know him, I saw just how wrong she was. D spoke his mind and introduced me to many awesome things. We liked all the same movies, and he introduced me to many I had not seen. He was the person I went to when my then boyfriend and I were arguing and I got the back of a hand to my face. We spent that summer hanging out, watching movies, and picking on the snotty kids and workers that were there for the summer. Although there is distance, I try to see him as much as I can. He is one of the few guys I know EXACTLY where I stand with. We understand how our relationship works and the limits to how much we can hang out; hell, we understand than hanging out for more than a week will lead to us attempting to kill one another. He was one of very few who actually offered to take me in when I was kicked out of my house and not welcomed in my dad's house.

Then there is A. He is my closest friend. We weren't that close when we first met in college and I only talked to him a few times before moving off campus and leaving school. However, once we reconnected, we became really good friends. A allows me to vent to him when I can't take it anymore. I feel so comfortable around him and let down my guard every time, something I rarely do with people. I don't feel I ever have to hide how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

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Ok, that's all I can write for one day lol. There are about four or five more people that are to be included in this list. I'll write it later, when I'm not so sappy feeling lol

When is it Ok to give up?

When is it ok to give up? When much of your days are spent  deeply fantasizing about a life that doesn’t even remotely resemble your own? When you look at people having fun and enjoying themselves and almost feel like they are communicating in a language which you no longer know how to speak? How about when all of your thoughts are consumed with what could be if you were only just brave enough to leave? Is it ok when almost everything that comes out of your mouth is a dumbed-down version of a lie, because you just cannot bring yourself to admit the only truth in your mind: I hate it here; is it ok then? How about when you have found yourself crying every night while you are all alone, when no one else can see you, because you have never felt more alone or unable to do something about what your life has become? Is it ok to give up then?

What to you do when your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you nearly burst into tears just because you cannot stand bringing yourself to going through another day in a life you hate? What do you do when your friends all offer to go out but you have lost all motivation to join them? What do you do when you just can't bring yourself to fake the smile so many people have come to believe is real? Is it ok to give up then?

A New Direction in Life?

There has been an idea on my mind for a few months now. Actually, I had this idea when I was in college and feeling really broke. I just never thought I could do it. I thought of being a phone sex operator. I don't find my voice necessarily sexy but if people are constantly asking to chat with me on Skype and the phone, it must be I guess. For some reason, this has been in the back of my mind. I guess it's the whole "This is not something you're supposed to do" mentality that I grew up with and the need to push against that state of mind.

Back then, I had did a little research into becoming one but let it slip out of my mind. At the time, I didn't think that I could ever do it. I had very little confidence, even less when it came to being "sexy" or sex in general. I thought I had no appeal to anyone but the guy I was with (and I thought he was doing it out of pity). With the way things are going lately, my mind keeps revisiting these old thoughts. I have grown so much since I first thought of it. I still have some research to do about this and I am going to take my time and really think things through.

What do you think? I have my reasons and ideas, but it's always nice to get others perspectives on things.